14. July 2016 by swissfitchick
During my longtime fight, process and recovery of my Eating Disorder, I’d come to find that all my disordered behaviors, my obsession to have control, my addictions and my anxieties were a cover-up for the real thing. These actions and disorders were simply representatives for an emotional imbalance I wasn’t able to face.
Instead of crying, I was making food plans and training excessively. Instead of being upset and saying this out loud, I went to buy drugs and went high. Instead of lifting myself up because I was shit scared of the future, I stuffed my face with food and then went purging. Instead of screaming in pain and disappointment of things that happened in my past, I starved myself nearly to death.
I forgot how to listen to my body and to my heart. When things became difficult in my subconsciousness, I started to turn to something that felt familiar to me: my addiction. The rituals gave me peace, the control mania occupied my mind and I was save from what I was scared the most: to feel.
Things like the loss of my Dad, abusive relationships and what not made me not only believe that I ought to be perfect, so my life would be as well – and things like this wouldn’t happen to me no more. As such, it also made me build up a wall and turn away from emotions which could probably hurt, or make me feel insecure. During all these years of trying to find peace, I felt like an alien to the system of emotions.
Albeit, my courage, will and determination hadn’t lessened throughout the time with my ED for these 20 years. I knew I got to push through after every relapse and after every setback to find the balance and peace I was looking for so desperately. I shook off the dust and moved on – every day anew. Meditation, patience, practise of gratitude, dedication, my stubborn mind, courage and mental strength slowly but surely laid open what was underneath these layers of disorders. It took me years to break that wall of fake protection and jump into the cold water of discomfort. A goddamn load of ups and downs to remove the façade which I practised to perfection throughout all those years.
When you start to feel the emotions in their raw structure, no cover-up, no imitation, no fake – it feels like freedom in the best way possible. It is beautiful. No lies to yourself no more. A lot more self-confidence. Self-love. Penetration, amazement.
Oh it may be scary, so damn scary. There are times when I wish, I could hold them back, filter them, block them out or be less sensitive. The more you let emotions be raw, the more you become vulnerable. The more you let emotions evolve and take up space, the more you need to build up balance and stability. And that is exactly what I did in the past years. Today, I stand on a solid ground, built by myself – while learning how to feel. It doesn’t mean that I don’t fall sometimes, that I fail at things and in situations, that I lose myself or that I am clean of self-doubts. I am not. But I am also not scared of anything life has in store for me. I went through enough mind-blowing shit. With living the emotions the way I live them today, I can actually soak up every single moment of my life in its pure condition – if it is sad, hurtful, crazy or happy – I am right there in this moment with this emotion and I don’t want to miss one single bit of it. Life lessons are the most enriching, important and simple way of education and development. Go there. Don’t close your eyes – realize and see what is going on there.