When emotions become raw.

5

14. July 2016 by swissfitchick

During my longtime fight, process and recovery of my Eating Disorder, I’d come to find that all my disordered behaviors, my obsession to have control, my addictions and my anxieties were a cover-up for the real thing. These actions and disorders were simply representatives for an emotional imbalance I wasn’t able to face.

Take the break. Sempione Park, Milan, Italy, July 2016

Take the break. Road-&Photography Trip, Sempione Park, Milan, Italy, July 2016

Freak Show. Streetart, Corsico Milan, Italy, July 2016

Freak Show. Road-&Photography Trip, Streetart, Corsico Milan, Italy, July 2016

Instead of crying, I was making food plans and training excessively. Instead of being upset and saying this out loud, I went to buy drugs and went high. Instead of lifting myself up because I was shit scared of the future, I stuffed my face with food and then went purging. Instead of screaming in pain and disappointment of things that happened in my past, I starved myself nearly to death.

Not without you. Bests, Survival Run Thun, Switzerland, February 2014

Not without you. Bests, Survival Run Thun, Switzerland, February 2014

I forgot how to listen to my body and to my heart. When things became difficult in my subconsciousness, I started to turn to something that felt familiar to me: my addiction. The rituals gave me peace, the control mania occupied my mind and I was save from what I was scared the most: to feel.

Windy conditions. Pass of Gotthard Switzerland, Roadtrip to Italy, July 2016

Windy conditions. Pass of Gotthard Switzerland, Road-&Photography Trip to Italy, July 2016

CrossFit

Hide it. Training@CrossFit Basel, June 2016 Credit: Mike Wolff

Things like the loss of my Dad, abusive relationships and what not made me not only believe that I ought to be perfect, so my life would be as well – and things like this wouldn’t happen to me no more. As such, it also made me build up a wall and turn away from emotions which could probably hurt, or make me feel insecure. During all these years of trying to find peace, I felt like an alien to the system of emotions.

Young. Home in Basel, May 1994

Young, disordered and hopeful. Home in Basel, May 1994

Stay sceptical. Sempione Park, Road-&Photography Trip, Milan Italy, Juy 2016

Older, stronger, happier – sceptical. Sempione Park, Road-&Photography Trip, Milan Italy, Juy 2016

Albeit, my courage, will and determination hadn’t lessened throughout the time with my ED for these 20 years. I knew I got to push through after every relapse and after every setback to find the balance and peace I was looking for so desperately. I shook off the dust and moved on – every day anew. Meditation, patience, practise of gratitude, dedication, my stubborn mind, courage and mental strength slowly but surely laid open what was underneath these layers of disorders. It took me years to break that wall of fake protection and jump into the cold water of discomfort. A goddamn load of ups and downs to remove the façade which I practised to perfection throughout all those years.

Walk the walk. Milan, Italy, July 2016

Walk the walk. Road-&Photography Trip, Milan, Italy, July 2016

When you start to feel the emotions in their raw structure, no cover-up, no imitation, no fake – it feels like freedom in the best way possible. It is beautiful. No lies to yourself no more. A lot more self-confidence. Self-love. Penetration, amazement.

No lies. Zurich, Switzerland, June 2016

No lies. Zurich, Switzerland, June 2016

Individual Liberty. Streetart, Corsico Milan, Italy, July 2016

Individual Liberty. Road-&Photography Trip, Streetart, Corsico Milan, Italy, July 2016

Oh it may be scary, so damn scary. There are times when I wish, I could hold them back, filter them, block them out or be less sensitive. The more you let emotions be raw, the more you become vulnerable. The more you let emotions evolve and take up space, the more you need to build up balance and stability. And that is exactly what I did in the past years. Today, I stand on a solid ground, built by myself – while learning how to feel. It doesn’t mean that I don’t fall sometimes, that I fail at things and in situations, that I lose myself or that I am clean of self-doubts. I am not. But I am also not scared of anything life has in store for me. I went through enough mind-blowing shit. With living the emotions the way I live them today, I can actually soak up every single moment of my life in its pure condition – if it is sad, hurtful, crazy or happy – I am right there in this moment with this emotion and I don’t want to miss one single bit of it. Life lessons are the most enriching, important and simple way of education and development. Go there. Don’t close your eyes – realize and see what is going on there.

Go there, don't close your eyes. Road-&Photography Trip, Milan, Italy, July 2016

Go there, don’t close your eyes. Road-&Photography Trip, Milan, Italy, July 2016

5 thoughts on “When emotions become raw.

  1. ❤ ❤ ❤ such beautiful words… That I find myself nodding in agreement to!

  2. Made me learn a little bit faster, made my skin a little bit thicker, made me that much smarter – thanks for making me a fighter!

    You’re definitely a fighter – and you rock.

  3. What a beautiful post and perfect for anyone who struggles with addictions or blocking out emotions. It’s easier to ignore them, although you’ll be so much better off if you feel them, process them and then let them go. It’s how we learn and grow. It’s how we live. I love this.

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No filter. And no one ever tells me again bullshit like that CrossFit makes me look like a man. Left side, 1998 (19y), ~60kg, in an abusive relationship, fueled by a daily dangerous skinny drug cocktail which almost killed me and hours of cardio, no lifting and an oh so fucked up mindset. Right side, 19 years later today (39y), ~68kg (~8kg gainzzz!!). Recovered from 20 years of extreme disordered eating and drugs; and passionate about CrossFit. A healthy mind (pretty much at least 😏😉), a healthy body, freedom and a joy of life I had never experienced before. To be alive and healthy is a fucking miracle. I've always been a stubborn kid and I never half-assed things - contrary, I went and still go full-ass with everything I did and do - which also led me to extreme addictions. But it also allowed me to fight through suicidal thoughts and hurdles. Yet, if you want to overcome something so incredibly strong and stubborn like an Eating Disorder you have to be stronger and more stubborn and to want it with all your heart and to give everything you got. If you are willing to let go in favour of your health, then get your shit together, you can do it. It's possible, I'm the living proof. Trust your strength and never stop believing. And for fucks sake, no one ever goes trying to make me feel embarrassed about my muscles again. I'm not. I'm perfectly ok, just like everyone else. #nojudging #crossfit @crossfit #fightforit #muscles #health #trusttheprocess #believe #eatingdisorderrecovery #awareness #support #loveyourself #bodyimage #fullass #getshitdone #loveyourbody #recovery #addictivepersonality #drugs #overcoming #bulímia #anorexìa #sweatpink #fitfluential

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