19. May 2016 by swissfitchick
Once a junkie, forever a junkie. I have heard and been told this sentence more than I care to admit. Truth to be told, it’s right.
Yet, there is a big difference between being a junkie in action and being recovered. Hell yes, addictions are lurking around each and every corner – drugs, food, alcohol, work, sex, gambling, shopping – you name it, the list goes on. I painted myself into the corner with several of them; drugs, bulimia, anorexia, shopping, training. Been there, done that.
DONE that. I am done. After losing my shit several times (shit as in – life), I decided to skip this madness. Sounds easy. Is an assload of work, paired with years of patience, relapses, fails, tears, successes and rising again.
As a ‘junkie’ I am extreme in whatever I do. There is no thought wasted on what ‘could happen’, or what the consequences may look like. The only thing that counts is the moment. The kick – over and over again. Seeking the adrenaline, chase it, catch it, feel it – and then fall. That’s how it usually worked for me and it worked well. I got incredibly bored without it. What others are scared of, I longed for. What others think of as crazy, felt like home to me. What others feel secure at, I feared. What others are striving for, I avoided: Security and balance. Having a safe daily routine? Made me freak out. Knowing what my plan is for the next ten years? Made me lose my shit. I was always willing to take risks in order to feel. Even if it hurt – it broke out that connection to myself and released tension. Penetration.
Which may lead to obsession, possession, addiction – clearly a dangerous state of uncertainty until the bomb explodes. I know the traps and the perks of an addiction so well; so well, I know how to dominate them or take advantage of them. I may fall into the trap with my toes, yet it doesn’t get the full load of me anymore. It’s tempting and sweet, but – the kick I get by staying clean has become a lot more accomplishing. It’s the genuine feeling of power. It’s the prove that I am me and only me. Not pilot-controlled and operated by some shady MoFo-addictive thoughts.
Addictions have no regards for personal space. They eat you alive if you let them. They don’t give a damn about your job, your health, your family or your friends. They are selfish as fuck and want all of you and your full attention. Nasty, tempting, sweet, evil, dangerous. So easy to go back and have just a little piece of the cake. Except you can’t just eat a piece – as a junkie, you eat it all. And then you fall.
I grew up in a Wannabe-Hippie-Community and even though Mom and Dad held a good amount of conservatism, they lived an unconventional way of life and were addicts. Us kids followed – and chose to go the unconventional path with some bouts of craziness.
I see addicts and I find my kind of people along the way. I want to support them to find their very own version of happiness with the balance THEY choose. I will always be extreme in whatever I do. Throughout the years, I found a way to embrace my hyperactivity and the perks of my nature in a healthy way. I know how to eat just a piece of the cake and still be satisfied. I managed to include balance in my life. Sometimes, I still fall. I am far from being perfect, though it’s a fact – before someone shoots me, I will always rise again.
PS. I am addicted to Squats. Because…..damn.