24. April 2016 by swissfitchick
I`m usually the one who takes care of others, prior to myself. It’s my nature and makes me happy. Sometimes though, there are times when setting priorities anew is called for.
Like during my recovery. As mentioned in previous posts, I had been through a lot of remission phases, thinking I was recovered – which was a major error. Yet, in early 2012 was when I entered the real shit of recovery.
I had been in my relationship for three years by then and finally started to trust that man and realized that with him and for love I could do it. It was the last attempt, the final test. I had to learn to stop running after things and having to be part of them instead. I figured that I did not need 54 ‘friends’, but that I was fine with about five best friends. By meditating every day, and trying to keep this connection up, I found out how to listen to my body and soul. Instead of covering up my fears, doubts and emotions with addictive, hyperactive and obsessive behaviour, I sat and listened and watched and spent a lot of time by myself, going for long walks at the lake and made time to just be or do things that created ease. I recovered. Processing and facing all the shit including some small relapses took its toll and energy and it was crucial for me to be able to take all this time and space to finally become healthy.
My boyfriend back then and I did a pretty good job of living a beautiful and more or less healthy relationship despite the fact that we were carrying the heavy load of an Eating Disorder. Looking back, I realise that without him, I probably wouldn’t have made it that far. Maybe one day – though our love was one of my biggest motivators and a huge part of my healing process. Seeing him living this healthy and carefree life made me want to do the same. Our relationship didn’t break up because of the eating disorder. There were other things, and our two very different characters that caused the end. But that’s life.
What I learned during this time was to be selfish in a positive way – I had to make myself a priority and ‘feel’ that I was important. I learned, that my health is important. Not only for me, but for the people around me, who needed me. I was still available and 100% there for my loved ones, but whenever I needed time off, I took it.
Today, I am not as selfish anymore. I came back with a more or less healthy balance between caring for others and looking after myself. I will most probably always put the happiness of others above my own, but today, I protect myself from fake people, people who hurt me or things that feel wrong to me.
Being ‘selfish’ is a form of creating self-love. You learn to treat yourself just like you treat your friends, children and partners. You hug them, you kiss them, you listen to them, you cry with them, you support them, you feed them, you laugh with them, you take time for them and you build them up. Start doing the same things when it comes to YOU. You deserve just as much love and care, no matter how many times you feel like a failure or a disappointment.
Calling yourself a failure or beating yourself up is an unnecessary judgement that will only reinforce negativity in your life. No one around you thinks this way about you – unless of course you really fuck up and go out there and hurt people intentionally. Or if you bitch around for no fuckin’ reason.
I really don’t get people who make a fuss out of stupid nothing.
Anyway, apart from that – give yourself these credits, the hugs, all the crowns, the time you need, a huge garden full of pleasures (not guilty pleasures, because there ain’t no fuckin’ guilt) and space for you, while you are recovering. At the same time, leave the comfort zone, challenge yourself and rock on. Go and take a look in the mirror and smile. Because this is the prettiest outfit you can wear. Strong and smiling.