The scary F word


3. April 2016 by swissfitchick

Quick update. I finished the CrossFit Games Open and celebrated with booze #whatelse, I started a new job, I got a new camera from a very special someone and I planted a vacation feeling on my balcony: Lavender. 

image CrossFit


Give me Food and Wine and I am good, give me a camera and I am happy. What a Beauty. Just as the donor. 


But now let’s talk about the F word. Not the one you are thinking, dirty minds….the one I am talking about is simpler and a big part of an Eating Disorder.

So, recovery is a collection of learnings.

A process during which you find a way back to balance and during which you get to know yourself so much better. That could be scary, I absolutely agree with you – however, at the end of the day it is pretty damn advantageous if you know yourself best – cause you are going to spend the rest of your life with you and this relationship is the only one that is guaranteed – no divorce possible. So you better make it a good and healthy one.


Beach Vibes on Palm Beach Waiheke Island, New Zealand, February 2016

Beach Vibes on Palm Beach Waiheke Island, New Zealand, February 2016

Feeling full after a meal was one of the top enemies during my Eating Disorder and accepting this fact as a completely normal, physical, not dangerous and especially temporary state of my body was one of the biggest and toughest part. As absurd as it may sound – the feeling of having food in my stomach scared the shit out of me. All I wanted was to have a flat belly 24/7, being hungry and feeling skinny from am to pm and at night.

Even just having a bloated belly or not having this empty stomach feeling after drinking a glass of bubbles caused stress in my mind. Countless times this was the trigger for a relapse, cause I simply could not handle the anxiety to turn into a fat whale just because I ate food.


Zipline Day, Waiheke Island, New Zealand, February 2016


Apart from re-learning what, when and how much to eat, listening to my body and treating myself with care, I had to get over the fear of the full feeling. Feeling satisfied and full after a meal does not hurt, it does not make one fat all of a sudden and it is not dangerous. That I had to figure out by bearing up with the feeling until hunger hit again.

Slowly but surely I got better in training to hang on to the truth that this state is temporary, normal and not life threatening. After every positive experience that the curve of my belly will flatten again and that I am not going to die because of food in my body which I didn’t get rid of immediately, I got more relaxed. Regardless of how my stomach felt like, I was ok. Believe me – it took shit tons of time and a big effort to fight the asshole demons in my head to overcome this big fear. The urge to do Cardio until I feel skinny again, or to just get rid of all I just ate in the toilet, was huge and incredibly strong.

Sunday Brunch, Basel, April 2016

Sunday Brunch, Basel, April 2016

Friday Nigth Vibes, Sydney Harbour, January 2016

Friday Night Vibes, Sydney Harbour, January 2016

Clearly, I still do not like the feeling of being overly stuffed or bloated, who does, really. But my emotions are not associated or dependent on the state of my body. I managed to cut the connection and being a less emotional eater, seeing and feeling about food for what it is: Fuel and enjoyment, and seeing the full feeling for what it is: a normal physical process that happens after you ate food.

Breakfast Bliss, Bondi Beach, Sydney, January 2016

Breakfast Bliss, Bondi Beach, Sydney, January 2016

Manyana Beach, South Coast Australia, January 2016

Manyana Beach, South Coast Australia, January 2016

You got to practise these things. Habits and patterns that evolved over years, will not disappear or change from one day to the other. Take one step at a time, one day after the other and you will eventually get where you want to be. Just keep on walking and do not get stuck in the past. It is helpful and important to process what happened back then, but once you faced that shit, you need to move on.



Letting go is hard, but sometimes holding on is harder. Let go – and you will have two free hands.



12 thoughts on “The scary F word

  1. Beautiful! Several ‘scary’ F-words here: fullness, food, and fear. Empowering to see how much you have worked to overcome them all. Because that other F-word, Freedom, is so worth it 🙂

  2. Beautiful camera… Lucky girl! 😀
    With my ED, I don’t think I ever let myself even get to the stage where I felt full. It was more of a ‘mental fullness’ – I would see how much I had eaten, tell myself that was enough, and force myself to believe I was full and I didn’t need to eat anymore. Took such a long time to get over this, even now I sometimes have to allow myself to eat more than my head tells me. But what happens? I get stronger, I can fuel my training, make massive PRs… which shows me what I eat now is exactly what I need and is the right thing. My head can no longer argue with that.

    • Yes, the camera is beautiful and I took my first pics with it today – very much in love! 🙂 ❤ Oh yes, the ED is all in our head. I would drink tons of sparkling water, making myself believe I was stuffed…..
      Love that you could overcome the nasty thoughts in your head and enjoy the fuel!

  3. Well. This isn’t the F word I thought I was coming here to read about. Imagine my disappointment. 😉

    I heart you. And I want to hear about the job!!!

  4. Thanks for the reminder! Feeling full is something that I’m also struggling with. it’s just not pleasant. But I do try to remind myself to eat actual meals that will satisfy me because otherwise I end up a) starving or b) eating constantly.

    • Yes! It feels way more scary than it actually is – especially when you just ignore it and realize that the struggle goes away in only about an hour when the full feeling goes away 🙂

  5. I love food. I love feeling full, although not overtly completely stuffed of course. No one likes that. Being fed and feeling full though, yeah it makes me happy, although I know I’m coming from a totally different mindset on this stuff. I find yours empowering and I love how you put it all out there. Blows kiss.

  6. Tara says:

    It’s interesting, because i think in my recovery I swung to the other end completely. I feared hunger and wanted to be full all the time. Obviously, neither are ideal!

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