3. April 2016 by swissfitchick
Quick update. I finished the CrossFit Games Open and celebrated with booze #whatelse, I started a new job, I got a new camera from a very special someone and I planted a vacation feeling on my balcony: Lavender.
But now let’s talk about the F word. Not the one you are thinking, dirty minds….the one I am talking about is simpler and a big part of an Eating Disorder.
So, recovery is a collection of learnings.
A process during which you find a way back to balance and during which you get to know yourself so much better. That could be scary, I absolutely agree with you – however, at the end of the day it is pretty damn advantageous if you know yourself best – cause you are going to spend the rest of your life with you and this relationship is the only one that is guaranteed – no divorce possible. So you better make it a good and healthy one.
Feeling full after a meal was one of the top enemies during my Eating Disorder and accepting this fact as a completely normal, physical, not dangerous and especially temporary state of my body was one of the biggest and toughest part. As absurd as it may sound – the feeling of having food in my stomach scared the shit out of me. All I wanted was to have a flat belly 24/7, being hungry and feeling skinny from am to pm and at night.
Even just having a bloated belly or not having this empty stomach feeling after drinking a glass of bubbles caused stress in my mind. Countless times this was the trigger for a relapse, cause I simply could not handle the anxiety to turn into a fat whale just because I ate food.
Apart from re-learning what, when and how much to eat, listening to my body and treating myself with care, I had to get over the fear of the full feeling. Feeling satisfied and full after a meal does not hurt, it does not make one fat all of a sudden and it is not dangerous. That I had to figure out by bearing up with the feeling until hunger hit again.
Slowly but surely I got better in training to hang on to the truth that this state is temporary, normal and not life threatening. After every positive experience that the curve of my belly will flatten again and that I am not going to die because of food in my body which I didn’t get rid of immediately, I got more relaxed. Regardless of how my stomach felt like, I was ok. Believe me – it took shit tons of time and a big effort to fight the asshole demons in my head to overcome this big fear. The urge to do Cardio until I feel skinny again, or to just get rid of all I just ate in the toilet, was huge and incredibly strong.
Clearly, I still do not like the feeling of being overly stuffed or bloated, who does, really. But my emotions are not associated or dependent on the state of my body. I managed to cut the connection and being a less emotional eater, seeing and feeling about food for what it is: Fuel and enjoyment, and seeing the full feeling for what it is: a normal physical process that happens after you ate food.
You got to practise these things. Habits and patterns that evolved over years, will not disappear or change from one day to the other. Take one step at a time, one day after the other and you will eventually get where you want to be. Just keep on walking and do not get stuck in the past. It is helpful and important to process what happened back then, but once you faced that shit, you need to move on.
Letting go is hard, but sometimes holding on is harder. Let go – and you will have two free hands.