26. January 2016 by swissfitchick
I am probably not the only one who is listening to this song non stop, actually constantly.
Looking back to the post I recently wrote (k, that’s a lie, it was before my massive break some when in fall 2015) – if I am recovered or not, is still a question I got asked a lot. I can see that people are skeptical to see a full recovery when they know how important training still is for me and how I show myself extroverted to the world out there. I am not gonna pick this subject up again, but I can say that I won a huge fight against the addiction over the past two years.
The struggle started in March 2014, when Sandro broke up with me and all the dreams we had together for the future just burst like a soap bubble from one second to the other when he told me it was over. I will never in my life forget this moment – after months of getting stronger and feeling my natural energy and my Luce-nature is coming back to normal again, not disturbed by any freaking demons in my head – this moment made me feel like I am falling into the deepest hole since a long time and I was losing ground.
I did not relapse. I did not binge and I did not swallow one single pill. I may or may not have downed a few glasses of wine the following weeks and nibbled on chocolate every day, but I stayed clean.
The break up was one of the worst I ever experienced, basically because I have never in my life trusted a person like I trusted Sandro. BECAUSE of him, recovery was possible. He was by my side, unconditionally, 100% of the time. He saw me in my darkest and ugliest moments and still did not leave me. He stayed and loved me with everything that I am. I had no idea that something like this even exists. I have massive trust issues and it took me a full year to trust him completely – but then I discovered this wonderful feeling of Love and security, safety and comfort. It did not work out in the end, but I owe Sandro my life. I don’t know where I’d be without him.
It took me a long while to get over it and the past year wasn’t the best either. The disappointment over having to leave CrossFit Basel made me struggle big time and again, I was losing ground, I was gripped with emotions and my brain was racked with anxiety.
I did not relapse. I did not binge and I did not swallow a single pill. I stayed clean.
Coming from 20 years of addiction, I know the price I pay when I fall back into these old patterns. They have been my friend and enemy for so many years and it took me so much effort, time and patience to leave them behind me.
Whatever life wants to throw at me, now or in the future, I swear that I will never go back there again. Never say never, I can see that – but in all seriousness, what’s the point? Having a down is bad enough, why hurting yourself even more by taking drugs and bingeing to sickness? It’s a pattern of isolating. Which I like to be honest – if I am having a difficult time, I ALWAYS sort it out by myself. I will eventually contact my friends when I feel ready to talk about it, but I will back out from the world and create a facade until I am over the worst. I rely on myself, always. But isolating in order to do drugs – that’s a big no.
During the past two years, the majority of the time I was tempted, on the line and at risk to grab an obscene amount of pills or powder and down them. Or to run into the supermarket, stuffing my face at home and then hang over the toilet to get rid of it, followed by depression and hopelessness. But I knew it wasn’t worth it. I grinned at life and the old grumpy ugly Eating Disorder, said ‘fuck you’ and moved on.
I am not at a point where I can cope with all the challenges life has in store in a healthy, balanced and perfect way. I am not a healthy, balanced and perfect person. I am a tad, if not very extreme person who loves the risk and to ogle adventure. I am not blessed with a logical and rational mind, yet more so with a hot temper and an emotional soul (I am non-violent though, despite my rebellious stance – just for the record). I have to work on my balance day in, day out. At least meanwhile, I like myself and manage to do not fall for things that can hurt me. I am chilled and relaxed in moments and phases when others would freak out. It works, and sometimes it doesn’t. One day at a time, one step after the other.
However, if you are in a fragile state and mull over if the voices in your brain might be right – embrace YOURSELF and watch after you. Nothing – absolutely nothing in life is worth to give in. Stay strong.