Never worth a pill.

22

26. January 2016 by swissfitchick

I am probably not the only one who is listening to this song non stop, actually constantly.

Looking back to the post I recently wrote (k, that’s a lie, it was before my massive break some when in fall 2015) – if I am recovered or not, is still a question I got asked a lot. I can see that people are skeptical to see a full recovery when they know how important training still is for me and how I show myself extroverted to the world out there. I am not gonna pick this subject up again, but I can say that I won a huge fight against the addiction over the past two years.

Icebergs with High Tide, Bondi Beach, Sydney, January 2016

Icebergs with High Tide, Bondi Beach, Sydney, January 2016

Colour steps, Bondi - Cogee Costal Walk, Sydney, January 2016

Colour steps, Bondi – Cogee Costal Walk, Sydney, January 2016

The struggle started in March 2014, when Sandro broke up with me and all the dreams we had together for the future just burst like a soap bubble from one second to the other when he told me it was over. I will never in my life forget this moment – after months of getting stronger and feeling my natural energy and my Luce-nature is coming back to normal again, not disturbed by any freaking demons in my head – this moment made me feel like I am falling into the deepest hole since a long time and I was losing ground.

I did not relapse. I did not binge and I did not swallow one single pill. I may or may not have downed a few glasses of wine the following weeks and nibbled on chocolate every day, but I stayed clean.

Manyana Beach, New South Wales, January 2016

Manyana Beach, New South Wales, January 2016

View from the Beach House @ Manyana Beach, New South Wales, January, 2016

Sunrise View from the Beach House @ Manyana Beach, New South Wales, January, 2016

The break up was one of the worst I ever experienced, basically because I have never in my life trusted a person like I trusted Sandro. BECAUSE of him, recovery was possible. He was by my side, unconditionally, 100% of the time. He saw me in my darkest and ugliest moments and still did not leave me. He stayed and loved me with everything that I am. I had no idea that something like this even exists. I have massive trust issues and it took me a full year to trust him completely – but then I discovered this wonderful feeling of Love and security, safety and comfort. It did not work out in the end, but I owe Sandro my life. I don’t know where I’d be without him.

Tamarama Beach on Bondi - Cogee Coast Walk, Sydney, January 2016

Tamarama Beach on Bondi – Cogee Coast Walk, Sydney, January 2016

Kangaroos, Bendalong, New South Wales, January 2016

Kangaroos, Bendalong, New South Wales, January 2016

It took me a long while to get over it and the past year wasn’t the best either. The disappointment over having to leave CrossFit Basel made me struggle big time and again, I was losing ground, I was gripped with emotions and my brain was racked with anxiety.

I did not relapse. I did not binge and I did not swallow a single pill. I stayed clean.

Coming from 20 years of addiction, I know the price I pay when I fall back into these old patterns. They have been my friend and enemy for so many years and it took me so much effort, time and patience to leave them behind me.

Chocolate Tarte, Milton Village, New South Wales, January 2016

Chocolate Tarte, Milton Village, New South Wales, January 2016

Friends strolling, Manyana Beach, New South Wales, January 2016

Friends strolling, Manyana Beach, New South Wales, January 2016

Whatever life wants to throw at me, now or in the future, I swear that I will never go back there again. Never say never, I can see that – but in all seriousness, what’s the point? Having a down is bad enough, why hurting yourself even more by taking drugs and bingeing to sickness? It’s a pattern of isolating. Which I like to be honest – if I am having a difficult time, I ALWAYS sort it out by myself. I will eventually contact my friends when I feel ready to talk about it, but I will back out from the world and create a facade until I am over the worst. I rely on myself, always. But isolating in order to do drugs – that’s a big no.

Path to Cogee Beach, Sydney, January 2016

Path to Cogee Beach, Sydney, January 2016

Bronte Beach, Sydney, January 2016

Bronte Beach, Sydney, January 2016

During the past two years, the majority of the time I was tempted, on the line and at risk to grab an obscene amount of pills or powder and down them. Or to run into the supermarket, stuffing my face at home and then hang over the toilet to get rid of it, followed by depression and hopelessness. But I knew it wasn’t worth it. I grinned at life and the old grumpy ugly Eating Disorder, said ‘fuck you’ and moved on.

Bondi Beach from far, Bondi - Cogee Coastal Walk, Sydney, January 2016

Bondi Beach from far, Bondi – Cogee Coastal Walk, Sydney, January 2016

I am not at a point where I can cope with all the challenges life has in store in a healthy, balanced and perfect way. I am not a healthy, balanced and perfect person. I am a tad, if not very extreme person who loves the risk and to ogle adventure. I am not blessed with a logical and rational mind, yet more so with a hot temper and an emotional soul (I am non-violent though, despite my rebellious stance – just for the record). I have to work on my balance day in, day out. At least meanwhile, I like myself and manage to do not fall for things that can hurt me. I am chilled and relaxed in moments and phases when others would freak out. It works, and sometimes it doesn’t. One day at a time, one step after the other.

Girls Night out at Harvest Pub, Milton Village, New South Wales, January 2016

Girls Night out at Harvest Pub, Milton Village, New South Wales, January 2016

Manyana Beach, New South Wales, January 2016

Manyana Beach, New South Wales, January 2016

However, if you are in a fragile state and mull over if the voices in your brain might be right – embrace YOURSELF and watch after you. Nothing – absolutely nothing in life is worth to give in. Stay strong.

xxx,

Luce

22 thoughts on “Never worth a pill.

  1. The Padre says:

    Those Tiled Steps Are Fan-Flipping-Tastic. Gr8 Catch

  2. Shellsiee says:

    I listen to that song a lot too! Thanks for sharing your photos and mind battle. We all have struggles and you are so brave to share yours so that it may help others. You are many wonderful traits Lucie, chilled and relaxed as you say, a winner and wonderful company.

  3. Irena says:

    Oh Luce, I soo know how that feels. I’ve had a complete sh*&t of a year last year and felt the temptation to slip back into ED, but don’t even know how – managed to stay on top – not letting the b*&h win! One day at a time is all anyone can do – no plans, no running away, no hiding, no trying to numb the pain with the physical and mental pain of ED!
    Thank you so much for sharing this. Recovery is a lifetime task as it includes re-learning thinking patterns that took our whole lives to develop.
    The journey can be the goal!
    Take care! Lots of love!
    Irena

  4. Great job! I’m almost 6 years into recovery and it’s always work to maintain it. I’m glad you didn’t let such a big force in your life bring you back down a road you don’t want to go. Keep up the great work!

  5. Kate Bennett says:

    Such a beautifully written post. I think your “one step at time” statement is so true in many situations. Continue to inspire!

  6. Always knew you could do it — never a doubt in my mind🙂 It’s been pretty freaking great seeing you get so much stronger over all these years, not only mentally, but physically as well. Recovery definitely always feels like a work in progress, but I 100% know what you mean when you say what’s the point in going back and making yourself feel EVEN worse during the hard times. I couldn’t imagine ever going back to the way I was during my ED. Definitely not something I ever want to relive again.

    • Your words mean a lot to me girl, you know that – and I am so grateful you believe and always believed in me. Never will I forget when I started to read your blog and getting inspired by you! Love you!

  7. Lesley says:

    Love this post Lucie. Stay strong x

  8. You are amazing, and I’ll always be here for you.

    P.S. I love the picture of the painted stairs. So very cool.

  9. I heart you. And those stairs in the second pic are bad ass. Tell me you ran them.

  10. Awesome post Lucie and great to read such a strong attitude to recovery. Even though we all have our tough days you are so right… It’s just not worth going back to those disordered days. Thinking back to those times makes me realise just how strong I am now, even when I don’t feel like it.🙂

  11. Great Post Lucie. I’ve been following your blog for a few weeks now and I’m hooked. I really connect to you and how much you struggle everyday with recovery. You share your good days and bad days, which makes me feel normal because I identify with you in so many ways. Today’s post is a gem. Thank you for sharing the depths of your soul with all of us.

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