3. January 2016 by swissfitchick
I used this sentence so many times before in my blogposts and I will use it again and again – how you talk to yourself and how you see yourself shows up in the world right away, unmistakably.
Intentionally or not, we talk to ourselves daily. If you do not happen to be a Zenmaster or a Meditation Crack, it happens unconciously. The majority of us will be a tough critic on ourselves – when you pay attention, you will realise, that you tend to say things to yourself, which you would never say to a friend of yours.
It might sound cheesy, but I am a huge advocate of positive self-talk and I believe in it to a 100%. I have been beating myself up for about 20 years during my disease with shit tons of horrifying shit storms daily, cause I felt I was a failure. The mental aspect in an addiction or while recovering from one for that matter, is huge. Like – it’s everything. If you can not get your mind together and keeping it sane, you will not be able to leave the shit behind you. At least that is how it was for me.
The way I talked to myself was the way I felt. Fat, weak, insecure, doubtful. To bury these uncomfortable emotions, I dived into a mess of drug cocktails and my Eating Disorder. As perverse as it sounds, it was where I felt comfortable, familiar and secure. My addiction was my friend. The pills in my hand, ready to be swallowed calmed me down. I knew it all. Since years and years, this was the place where I found safety and felt grounded.
Except that I was everything else than grounded. The ‘hangover’ was terrible. When I woke up or spent time with ‘normal’ people, I realised what sick place I am at. That is also the reason why I will always be SO thankful I ALWAYS had these down-to-earth grounded friends in my life. I was unwilling to face it, but – they showed me where I was supposed to be. And where I was not, back then. So I crawled back in to my cave of depression and insecurity. Starting all over again by throwing rigorous rules at myself as to how I was supposed to live and look and by throwing abusive monologs at myself as to why I wasn’t capable to do so.
Imagine, a friend of yours opens up to you, telling you honestly that she has a problem – whatever problem that might be. She is sad and insecure, she maybe is mad at herself, disappointed. She might be hopeless and desperate and does not understand why she can not get her shit together. She feels weak, and clearly, she opens up to you cause she is looking for feedback. A mirror.
Would you beat this friend up? Would you talk to her as if she was a loser? Would you tell her that she will never be able to live the way she dreams of? Clearly, the answer is NO. If a friend asks for help, it is a sign of trust and a sign that she/he is willing to listen to your feedback and to receive your support. I am honest with my friends, always been and I might tell them things once in a while they are not keen to hear. It is simply an honest way to help – the way I expect from them in return. Anyway – the point is, that the way we build up our friends, we are supposed to build up ourselves in order to become a content person.
Positive self-talk takes time to be implemented. As cruel as it sounds, but talking in negative terms to ourselves seems easier. Sad enough. So – positive self-talk needs practise. Being kind to ourselves needs to become a routine. Being our own best friend should be a matter of course. Building ourselves up rather than beating ourselves down is a thing – and it should be a priority in your life. Make YOURSELF a priority. Cause people around you need you, so make sure you are strong and happy.
I am far from being a perfect Zenqueen. I am way too emotional, I judge myself, I am insecure at times (not very much anymore) and my hot temper takes over more times than I like to admit. If I do not practise meditation and non violent communication towards myself and others daily, I easily – EASILY – fall back into patterns of being strict and mean to myself. When I started to enter recovery 3 years ago, this task was the biggest one. It was the most important one and it was also the one I struggled with the most. I tried it all – talking to myself in the mirror, telling me I loved myself. OMG, I felt silly as fuck. Also, I didn’t believe one single bloody word. I wrote it all down. I wrote one single thing a day of which I was proud of into my pretty book. I had days when I was so frustrated over my whole performance and my appearance, that it was the hardest thing to do to find something positive about myself. But, I hung in there, I made it. I kept on going, kept on practising, event though I hated it at times. It seemed like a project of impossibility to ever like myself the way I am. I had to be patient and I am NOT a patient person.
It paid off eventually. Practise is KEY. Practise, and all is coming – like with everything in life. But you will be able to confront and encounter with yourself on an attitude that is kind and sympathetic – after a long while and a lot of practise. Do not stop. Do not EVER stop. I know the feeling of feeling so bad about oneself and not finding ANYTHING good. But look at you as you would be your friend and it all makes sense. Practise it with your loved ones and then give back the exact same thing to yourself – it all falls into place.
The point of the title is, that you WILL show up as a positive person and you will attract positive people and people will be attracted by you. You might still face a ton of challenges, ups, downs, sad days, great days – but I can assure you from the bottom of my heart, that when you manage to fill your mind and heart with positivity, you will be able to tackle everything in life stronger and fearless. You will be able to rise from anything that life throws at you. If you do not believe this, then just look at me. I dare to say I went through a good load of shit and I won – kindness, strength and a positive outlook on life. Not everyday. But most of the days.🙂 – and I plan to continue like this.
Even though I find it harder to love myself this day – after 4 weeks of a diet containing of 50% healthy meals and all the rest of chocolate and booze, I feel more like a family-sized tent rather than a lean machine. It’s totally fine – it was a blast. Sydney will bring back the Clean Factor!
So, this might be one of my resolutions for 2016. IF there are any resolutions for that matter, but I will keep up with my practise and trying to be a better person, day by day. For me and for my loved ones. Maybe one day I will be able to get my big loud mouth, my hot temper and my insatiable urge of freedom under control. Having said that, I may not even want that though……😉 Yet, being a little more rational and less emotional might help. I swear, this shit can be tiring at times – for me, that is.🙂
This post includes a resolution and pictures from last week, so I sneak it in the link up of one of my best Besties, Meghan with Week in Review. Thank you Gorgeous! Here’s a little Video Review from my Beach Cike Tour.
Keep on smiling – xxx,