When you decide to take over

10

27. September 2015 by swissfitchick

Hey, Loves.

I am not going to formulate any lame excuses, just sayin’ life happened. Some good, some bad – hey, I even tossed in some travelling for two days. My big bro celebrated his 40th birthday and I flew in to Dublin where they had a stop over on her one-year-surf-and-kite-roadtrip through Europe.

Being on the plane and travelling is clearly the thing for me. I have a strong desire of freedom and feeling stuck somewhere, bound or dependent, I need to break out. And travel.

Dublin

Booze first, always.

Booze first, always.

It was the best surprise ever.

It was the best surprise ever.

image

I drank coffee. Who am I.

I drank coffee. Who am I.

image

A day later I photographed my peeps at the Swiss Alpine Battle. In between superstars like Sara Sigmundsdottir and Brooke Ence. CrossFit Comps are my favorite part of my job, for sure.

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Anyway, this intro is kind of misleading, as I am not planning to talk about my life, in all honesty, I am backing out in talking too much about my current stuff – I suspect most of it is nonsensical mutterings anyway, and in any event, some things do not belong here.

I’d like to share a throwback moment I had when I was out with my blondes crew in Zurich the other night and we took a short walk along the lake, the lake where I used to live by back in the days – about three years ago. I remember so well this day. I was without a job and I took runs and walks along the lake daily, cause it gave me relief and peace. This day was about 2 days post relapse and I had enough. I said this ‘I have enough’ about 6000 times during my ED, but that day was different.

Walk

I decided to take over.

Whoever is struggling with an addiction knows exactly what I mean when I say that you feel like you are pilot-controlled. You take actions you don’t want to take. You hurt yourself despite wanting to be good and despite knowing that what you do right now will just devastate you. And still, you’re doing it.

That’s the central lineament of the Eating Disorder and that’s why it always scared me. I felt helpless and weak, and I was angry, cause for me, it seemed like I WANTED to stop but I just COULDN’T, cause this stupid monster kept on chasing me. IT. THIS. THE ED. But in the end, it was ME. I had a choice – to be stronger and to fight, or to give in and keep on whining. To accept the mark of being disordered, or not to. To hide myself behind the disease and taking it as an excuse to act weird, or to get rid of it and be courageous, honest and – myself.

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On this day, I decided not to be bulimic anymore. I knew this would not work from one day to the other, but I knew I had to take a decision and to keep focused on that. I knew it will be the roughest ride of my life, but I knew it was worth it. I DECIDED TO BE NORMAL. I decided to not let an addiction define me. I wanted to define myself with whatever the hell I pleased.

I wanted to live life JUST the way I wanted, doing things I love, being free and runaway. I was fed up with the mark of ‘YOU HAVE BULIMIA, and that’s why you do all that’. ‘You are a disordered person.’ ‘You can not work 100% cause you are sick. You need special conditions.’ ‘You are addicted. You have to live a different life than ‘normal’ people.’

WHAT THE FUCK. WHO defines who you are? All of a sudden, I realized that the sign written on it – ‘disordered. addicted. sick.’ was glued on my forehead and in my consciousness in a way that I almost let it be a part of me. Almost.

Marilyn

If you want something so bad, you have the strength to do it. I can not even put into words how much it took from me to recover. I am still amazed that I actually survived. But I wanted it more than anything else in the world. More than anything else in the world. Live, laugh and do whatever the fuck I please. No delusion of control, no judgements, no freaking guidelines, no rules, no traps, no cage.

An Eating Disorder is full of behaviors that keep on repeating. Rituals. Rituals can be consoling and that’s why we go for it. When we struggle, we reach for things we can hold on to and which give us comfort and a familiar feeling. Addictions have a strong tendency to act like these ‘good friends’, and that’s why we aim to turn to them. Letting go of them and take own decisions is scary and may release insecurity and fear. There’s the point to step out of the comfort zone.

Linda_Lucie

I slowly but surely took over. I talked a lot about my recovery and you may know that it took me countless attempts, fails, get ups and relapses to finally make a change. That day was a change and that was only the beginning of THREE more years until I was fully recovered. It takes shit tons of time and that’s why we all fail at it so easily. But you gotta trust the process and keep on going. Focus, focus, focus. I knew I always have the choice. Every day, every minute. When the ED chased me and got me, I still had the choice to drop the food and walk away. When I held the package with the drugs in my hand, I still ad the choice to bin it or not. Even when the stuff was already in my mouth I had the choice to swallow or to spit. Take smart choices with everything you do, cause the option IS there.

Don’t get blinded and don’t give away the steering wheel. YOU are the one to drive the car now, so you better stay on track.

What is your smart choice today?

xxx

Lucie

10 thoughts on “When you decide to take over

  1. Girl this is a crazy powerful and EMPOWERING post, and you’re right. And that meme is right: society’s ideals are UGLY. We are made for a beautiful purpose and we need to own who we are, despite us thinking we are all full of flaws, no, those flaws make you flawless!

  2. Thank you thank you for sharing this. You are so awesome and inspiring and just dead-on right! The only thing we have real control over are our own actions, but it’s so easy to lose sight of that sometimes.

  3. You are so right, recovery is not easy but the choice is totally up to the individual.
    In the beginning of my recovery I had to get rid of my binge foods. Then over time I just didn’t mind as much but noticed that I would still binge every now and then. Well I’m seriously done with binging. I really don’t want to surround myself with shit that makes me feel like shit. So I made the decision to put things around me that I love. And don’t feel like shit. I have to responsibility for myself and stop the madness! Just because someone else can eat whatever doesn’t mean I have to or need to. I want to feel good and I’m making changes to make feeling good my life.
    You take the most beautiful photos!!! Xox

    • I love this! I am so glad you’re over the binging part – that is huge!
      Binging is not an issue for me either anymore, more like bored picking and snacking and then feeling guilty. But that’s nothing compared to the earlier times and it’s still a work in progress, right?

  4. We always have a choice and when we chose ourselves, we win. You are fantastic and this post was incredible. The good ones are worth the wait.

  5. I remember the day I said ‘I have had enough, I am going to take over’ as clear as day in my mind. I was sitting in bed with David, feeling so ill, my mum on the phone and I fully admitted to them I was sick but I was going to do something about it. I decided not to let my head dictate to me anymore what was right or wrong. I was going to change.
    You are so right, it wasn’t as easy as ‘wanting to change’ – there was a lot of downs, a lot of crazy moments and there still are – but the progress out weights them a million to one.

    The smart choice I make every day is to put me and my body first. Every choice I make.🙂

    • Isn’t it amazing that this day is stuck in our heads? I think, cause it differs from all the other 10’000 times we used to say ‘it’s over’. Because it actually IS over. And yes, the transfer is another rough ride, yet, so worth it!

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