Recovered or not?

27

9. September 2015 by swissfitchick

I few months back, I got a comment on a blogpost from someone stating that I am not recovered and that I suffer from exercise bulimia. That I would still binge, but that it is justified, cause I workout like a crazy mad freak.

I have a strong tendency to think about and review criticism towards me and I also tend to fall into doubts about if this person is right or not. Sometimes, when uncertainty hits too hard, I go out and talk to someone who knows me very well to get a second opinion. Most of the time though I ponder for a while and like to respond to this person in my honest and straight way. That I did.

Recovery or not – that subject is huge and I doubt that there is a clear line to be drawn as if someone is recovered or not. To state if someone is recovered from an Eating Disorder needs the knowledge of that person’s life. Means, a person who rates my state of recovery needs to know where I come from, where I have been and what I went through. I must say that I am mesmerized by the ginormous difference there is from my mindset back then and today. I realize this particularly when people ask me about fears and anxieties, or how I used to handle food or body image. I also realize it when I hear about or see people who are still suffering, and it rings a bell, like:’ Oh damn YES. I have been there. I know this so well.’ But it also shows me how far away I am from these disordered thoughts and how I clearly have to REMEMBER how this all felt like.

LUcie

There is not a single doubt that I am addicted to exercise and my CrossFit workouts and that is why I follow a strict Training Plan that guides me through the week, involving everything I need to make progress and to reach my goals. I am very well aware that I would burn myself out with exercising if I hadn’t some kind of coaching. When I come to think of it, this is basically just a general pattern which you may just as well call the story of my life: Extremes.

CrossFIt

CrossFit CrossFit

This is a tendency that existed and still exists in my family since all times. All of us own some kind of an addictive potency, me probably being the most extreme character of all of us. I have to work for my balance day in day out, and that is why I meditate. That is why I need me time, time off and breaks where I am forced to reflect and to slow down. My energy is somewhere beyond normal and I got to be aware of where I stand and how I feel about my world at all times.

When I lose it, the addictive patterns sneak in and I turn to overtraining, disordered eating behaviors, drugs or way too much social activity. And one day I break down with a horrible relapse.

Naps - I take them daily if possible.

Naps – I take them daily if possible.

This is this side of the story and I do say and I also do believe that I am recovered. Yet I need to approach life differently from any ‘normal’ person who does not have an addictive background or a past with a 20 years disease. The Eating Disorder and the drugs are and will always be part of my life and I can not and will never ignore this fact. I regret nothing. It makes me savor life differently from when I wouldn’t have had to face all this shit. I am sure about that.

The other side is the judgement from others. There are quite a few voices out there who think that as long as I prep my meals and eat clean and do my workouts, I am not recovered. Who rate, that if I am not able to eat junk all day and gain weight and NOT care about it, I am not recovered. I STRONGLY disagree with this.

Food

I talked to my boss about this comment and about people who distinguish normal people from not normal people and he just said:’ You know Lucie, who dictates what normal is? As for us athletes, training daily and eating clean is normal. This is the life we live and love and it is a routine, not a crazy effort we need us to force to. No one at the gym thinks the other is disordered only cause he/she is training hard and watching their food. Is laying on the couch each night and busting out a package of Oreos normal? Is drinking wine every night normal? There is not ONE normal way to live, it’s what we choose for us to be normal. And as long as this feels balanced for you and makes you happy and healthy, you do not need to worry about it.’

That totally resonated with me and I find this is such a huge point in my life. I spend tons of time at the gym with competition athletes who’s world spins around training and performance. It is their passion and their hobby. It is what they want to do and getting better is what they strive for. I am at a similar point, though being almost a master athlete, I take it with a wink and try to stay relaxed – most possibly I won’t ever compete at a big CrossFit challenge and that is totally fine. I am off that pressure and I do believe this is perfectly healthy for my mental health.

And then I spend time with my friends outside of the box who do not know CrossFit at all. Who don’t even know a thing about macronutrients. Does it matter? Not even a shitty bit. If normal or not, who the fuck cares, I am able to live in balance about 85% of the time and that is my kind of perfection in recovery. And who wants to be normal anyway? I don’t think I ever was.

Lucie

So, what I told this person was, that I agree that I am addicted to exercising, yes. And I totally care how I look, oh yes, I do. I might have gained something around 10 kilos in the past 2 years, the majority of it being muscle. If this wasn’t the case, meaning, if these kilos were FAT, that would be a whole different story cause I would LOOK completely different. So yes, my look, my training and my food is still important. But there are things that are MORE important and this is when the recovery part comes in. My job and my friends go first. Always. Having a glass of wine with Besties and finishing all the urgent tasks of my daily job are a priority to a workout. I take a rest day to make these priorities, yes I do. I can go all out the next day, nothing happens.

friends Friends

Friends

I am a sassy tomboy and my life is very different from the lives many around me live. This has always been like this, my brother is the same, so another family pattern I follow here. The biggest step in my recovery is, that I do not care. I excluded 95% of disordered thoughts of my life and I do not give any fucks about what anyone thinks as long as I don’t hurt anyone and as long as I take care of myself. It gives me an incredible feeling of freedom and it gives me the strength and serenity to be there for others and still not losing myself in the craziness.

Basel

When do you think is someone recovered?

Is there a rule for being normal?

 

27 thoughts on “Recovered or not?

  1. ivanavrcic says:

    Don’t listen to the haters ghurlfriend!

    1) as bloggers (well, from what I have experienced so far) we are always exposed to critic because we expose OURSELVES. That will always get us comments that will make us think and maybe also leave a bitter after taste. It’s important to know what to take on board and what to push away.

    2) My name is Ivana and I’m addicted to: Crossfit, chocolate and dogs. Mostly all dogs but labradors in particular.

    3) who needs normal anyway? Your coach is right, who has the right to define what is normal? I am yet to meet someone who fits that mould. And if they do, it is a negative thing for me. Because I love the unique ones.

    Keep doing what you’re doing. It’s great!

    • The Padre says:

      Dogs are the best, so is chocolate, best day ever!! Cheers

    • 100% agreed, Gorgeous!
      I definitely do not want to be normal and I am extremely convinced that I will never be – whatever the fuck normal is supposed to be. I don’t even think about it.
      And yes, we do expose ourselves and I am totally fine with critical comments – it’s what keeps things interesting, right? Though – judging is shit. That I like to screw off my blog.

      Love you! And YES CROSSFIT!

  2. i think you are recovered when YOU feel you are. everyone else can have their own opinions and frankly they can fuck right off, or kiss your nice strong ass. LOL.
    no such thing as normal. i know that many people are addicted to MANY things and don’t claim to have addictions or disorders, but some of us people have admitted our weaknesses and share them with the world. you are an inspiration and if you are happy than that’s all that matters. screw the rest! LOVE YOU!❤

    • Thanks so much Danielle! Oh yes, they can kiss my strong backside for real, haha!🙂
      I felt that it got so much easier to handle my disorders once I was aware of it. I definitely think this would help so many others too!

  3. abby says:

    Yes! Good for you. This is a powerful post and it’s awesome.

  4. I loved this post and can relate immensely. I don’t think that anyone can you tell you when you’re recovered; only you can know. I’ve gained 30 pounds this year alone and am i fully recovered? I don’t think so, I still find it hard seeing my body the way it is now but people perceive since I’ve gained weight that I am 100% fine. Only you will know❤ keep it up, and BE YOU!❤

    • Oh yes. The weightgain or weightloss is always a sign for people to judge the state of our disorders or recoveries. I think I care even less about my body than others meanwhile do!
      Thank you Alexa!

  5. Jan says:

    Great insight. There has to be so much to conquer physically and mentally in this type of situation. You have amazing willpower and courage….Keep plowing through!
    😀

  6. Love your approach to this comment Lucie – it really was spot on. My ED will always be a part of me and my life, does that mean that I will never be ‘recovered’? Heck no! Living a life as a stronger and healthier human that isn’t controlled 100% by a disordered mindset, that’s my aim. Do I ever want to be normal? Well as you said, what is normal?!

  7. Phil says:

    Thank you Lucie for sharing all these things with us. We all have our disorders and recoveries all life long. The only normal thing for us is to die. Everything else is 8billion times different to others but a lot of people do not recognize this fact and do not see that they are all blessed souls and bodies on this beautifull planet. All INDIVIDUALS!! 🌺
    Thanks again ❤️
    Phil (same CF box)

  8. Such an inspirational post Lucie. Your boss really has hit the nail on the head there, for what after all is normal? Find your version of it and shine🙂 I’m pretty sure a lot of my friends wouldn’t say I’m normal, and a lot would say I am. It’s all so different and that’s one of the best things about this world!

    I love what you say about having to approach things differently because of your past experiences, that really rings true with me.

    • And anyway, who wants to be normal??🙂 Yeah, it’s such a wide term, I don’t think there is any definition of it – not possible. And that’s why life is interesting, as you say!

  9. Love this post & I couldn’t agree more Lucie! Your boss sounds very wise and hit the nail on the head. The term “normal” is so subjective and differs across the board. One person’s normal is undoubtedly going to be someone else’s “occasional” or “never”. I personally think normal is something that feels normal and allows you to live your life to the fullest and ensure you are happy. Some people (e.g. you and me) prioritise being in shape and healthy living and so of course working out daily and meal prepping. Some people aren’t so bothered about their health and for them, normal might mean sleeping in or grabbing sandwich on the way to work. Are either of them better? No! It’s just about finding what works for you and really owning it regardless of other people’s opinions!

    • Perfectly put, Khushboo! So there. Normal is….everything and nothing. Plus, you can say goodbye to an old normal that might not be healthy for you and train a new normal – constantly varied.

  10. To be totally honest, I don’t know the answer to this one because I’ve never experienced it. That being said, I do understand pushing to extremes because I’ve been the same way. It’s also why I meditate, take naps, relax, spend days doing nothing and loving it. You gotta balance out those extremes and slowly over time, I’ve gotten better at not pushing myself to an extreme. Does it still happen though? Yes absolutely. I’m a work in progress.

    From an outside perspective, I would say recovery is kind of an ongoing life long thing. When you look back, there’s progress, although when you look forward, you should hope to see progress there too, meaning it’s always ongoing and always improving. I think some get stuck in a mentality that I’m way better than I was a year ago, therefore I am recovered and need not progress anymore. I don’t think you’re one of those people because you’re constantly evolving.

    Do you. I happen to like that person a holy crapton.

    • Balance, oh yes. Though sometimes I love the Extremes. Not for too long, cause that is clearly not healthy, but sometimes, breaking out and celebrating this unreasonable chracter trait is just what I need.
      And then go back to meditation🙂

      And I totally agree. I made great progress, but today in a year I will be even further and I believe, as long as you keep focused and looking forward, there’s something new to learn every day. And that’s quite wonderful, right?

  11. I don’t think anyone has any sort of right to say whether someone is or isn’t recovered. IT’s not their business, and I don’t feel like comments like that ever come from a caring or concerned place… so why the need to tear others down? Recovery — hell, life in general — is a journey, and I don’t think there are any set criteria for how to do it “right.” You rock my socks off, so just keep on being fabulous.

    • Absolutely agreed. Recovery is such a wide term, just as disordered. We all have patterns and relapses in some kinda way, so how could anyone state if this is right or not.
      I feel that it’s still so much society talk around here and I’m always amazed how people care about other stranger’s issues. Of course, I put myself out there and I absolutely accept criticism, but I don’t like to be judged.

  12. cottercrunch says:

    haters gonna hate, right? I’ve been accused of a lot. It’s funny how people just say things without even knowing you. But then again, it all stems from their uncertainty about themselves. Recovered or not, addicted or not, we all relapse into old patterns at some point because we are human. but thank GOD for people in our life and accountability to help us see where we truly are. Love you!

    • Thank you so much for this Love!
      I am ok with criticism, you know, but I am not ok with judging – especially when this person does not even know me. I like ro discuss different point of views and it’s super interesting to find out who loves what and what makes the other feel good. And then accept it and love it – we’re adults and can do what we want, yes?

  13. Heather says:

    This is something I’ve asked myself many times too.What an interesting question, eh? I agree that recovery is different for everyone. Just like everyone has a different normal. What matters is that you’re happy and healthy. That you feel good in your body and your heart. Be you! You love crossfit and swimming, so keep it up for as long as you love them.

    I consider myself recovered, and fitness was a big help with that. I’m 35 weeks pregnant right now and have gotten dirty looks from strangers who see me out jogging. As if I don’t know what feels good for my own body and what is good for my baby. People judge. Especially when they don’t know you.

    Thanks for this post!

    • CONGRATULATIONS Heather! I am so happy for you. And YES, run, if you feel running! We all need to find a way to get out of downs and it0s so individual what helps who. It’s sad that so many people still try to give advice or judge when no one is actually interested….

  14. […] Recovered or not? via Fit Swiss Chick […]

  15. […] wrote (k, that’s a lie, it was before my massive break some when in fall 2015) – if I am recovered or not, is still a question I got asked a lot. I can see that people are skeptical to see a full recovery […]

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