2. August 2015 by swissfitchick
I was torn between making a concession about this relapse or just being quiet about it. Maybe my haters laugh up their sleeve, but what the FUCK, I don’t give any. I decided to go out with it cause I feel it to be important to clarify, that my life is not perfect, that ME is not perfect. I digged myself out of 20 years of addiction and yes, I came a long way and I am in a good place today. But that does not mean I am not having shit days and that does not mean my past as a disordered girl won’t catch up with me on days.
It’s too long ago since that happened, but it did this week. It was kind of foreseeable, lots of things are going on that make me ponder, lots of pressure too. Pondering about the future, what happens/happened and what conclusion and consequences I need to draw here. Doubts, anger, disappointment, fears, insecurity, sadness. Things that are extremely uncomfortable to bear and what better way to bury them – eat. Yes, I absolved the full program with buying junk, eating in the car, eating at home even if I was already sick. Popped some pills too and called it a day.
It’s not the fact that I binged and swallowed shit that made me struggle, but the fact that something is going on that really bothers me. Cause this behaviour shows. And that is exactly what I try to make clear to my readers who reach out to me, asking for help: It’s NOT about the food.
When we – I talk about people who are fighting disordered eating here – feel the urge to binge, to isolate and to beat ourselves NUMB with stuffing our bellies till they hurt – then something deeper down is calling for attention. And because this something is probably a thing that is scary, that provokes doubts and uncertainty, we don’t want to face it. We rather swallow it. Literally.
All week long I invested all my strength and power to stay cool, to work hard, to train hard, to keep smiling and to meditate every morning, affirming myself with positive thoughts. It kind of worked. I distracted myself with tons of work – which is a relatable thing that there is always enough of it – I swam, I sweat, I lifted and I cooked good food.
But I was done by the weekend. I gave in and I was devastated – if only for a few hours. But I was and I knew I need to take a closer look and something has GOT to change.
And here comes the smart part in: Focus on the feeling, not on the food. Don’t start to make clean eating plans and workout schedules for the next 80 days. You don’t need this. You probably know exactly what you need to do workout wise and food wise. What you need is attention, love, awareness and balance. Emotional balance. Self-Love. Being aware of the MOMENT and not letting your ego or outside circumstances take over. Attention to YOU. Food, body image, your weight and your appearance is a cover up. It could as well be smoking or excessive exercising. Anything. It’s not where it’s at.
In the end, what counts, is how you rise after you fell. You could drown in self-pity and binge more, or purge and binge again, or you could go out and do excessive Cardio, or you could fast for 5 days and then go back to bingeing. You could let the disease spreading their fingers all over you and trap you back in.
OR you can slap the bitch in the face and prove YOUR strength. Cause you are stronger, and it’s not legit – no matter what shitty situation we are in – to let the negativity of the addiction get back in your life. You can decide. Commit. And succeed. Cause we always have a choice, yes? Always.
I might be in a difficult situation currently, but in the end, ME is the one who decides where I am going. I choose the direction and my life is in my own hands. I can go wherever I want to, whenever I want to. I just have to decide and act. I have never been the person who sits in the corner, waiting for better times. I have never been the girl who was waiting for happiness to come around the corner, or the girl who whines about struggles. I handle them on my own and, especially, I ACT. I may tolerate quite the pressure and difficulties, but I am not a machine and I have just so much capacity. And then I take on a change.
So. I got to get away and have some days off, some space and time and sleep – and things will show. Let’s hope a getaway can happen this month, if not, at least I can look forward to a week in October – in SPAIN. My heart belongs to the beach, and this place is one of the best places to be. Can NOT wait.
Tell me where you are right now. A good place? A difficult place? What do you do?
What is the next place you are going to visit?