Bingeing. It happened. And it’s NOT about the food.

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2. August 2015 by swissfitchick

I was torn between making a concession about this relapse or just being quiet about it. Maybe my haters laugh up their sleeve, but what the FUCK, I don’t give any. I decided to go out with it cause I feel it to be important to clarify, that my life is not perfect, that ME is not perfect. I digged myself out of 20 years of addiction and yes, I came a long way and I am in a good place today. But that does not mean I am not having shit days and that does not mean my past as a disordered girl won’t catch up with me on days.

It’s too long ago since that happened, but it did this week. It was kind of foreseeable, lots of things are going on that make me ponder, lots of pressure too. Pondering about the future, what happens/happened and what conclusion and consequences I need to draw here. Doubts, anger, disappointment, fears, insecurity, sadness. Things that are extremely uncomfortable to bear and what better way to bury them – eat. Yes, I absolved the full program with buying junk, eating in the car, eating at home even if I was already sick. Popped some pills too and called it a day.

Pills It’s not the fact that I binged and swallowed shit that made me struggle, but the fact that something is going on that really bothers me. Cause this behaviour shows. And that is exactly what I try to make clear to my readers who reach out to me, asking for help: It’s NOT about the food.

When we – I talk about people who are fighting disordered eating here – feel the urge to binge, to isolate and to beat ourselves NUMB with stuffing our bellies till they hurt – then something deeper down is calling for attention. And because this something is probably a thing that is scary, that provokes doubts and uncertainty, we don’t want to face it. We rather swallow it. Literally.

All week long I invested all my strength and power to stay cool, to work hard, to train hard, to keep smiling and to meditate every morning, affirming myself with positive thoughts. It kind of worked. I distracted myself with tons of work – which is a relatable thing that there is always enough of it – I swam, I sweat, I lifted and I cooked good food.

Work and watching my CrossFit family.

Working and watching my CrossFit family.

CrossFit

That was extremely horrible in the best way possible.

Lucie Pool

Sugar Peas, grilled Turkey, Bellpeppers

Sugar Peas, grilled Turkey, Bellpeppers

But I was done by the weekend. I gave in and I was devastated – if only for a few hours. But I was and I knew I need to take a closer look and something has GOT to change.

And here comes the smart part in: Focus on the feeling, not on the food. Don’t start to make clean eating plans and workout schedules for the next 80 days. You don’t need this. You probably know exactly what you need to do workout wise and food wise. What you need is attention, love, awareness and balance. Emotional balance. Self-Love. Being aware of the MOMENT and not letting your ego or outside circumstances take over. Attention to YOU. Food, body image, your weight and your appearance is a cover up. It could as well be smoking or excessive exercising. Anything. It’s not where it’s at.

LucieIn the end, what counts, is how you rise after you fell. You could drown in self-pity and binge more, or purge and binge again, or you could go out and do excessive Cardio, or you could fast for 5 days and then go back to bingeing. You could let the disease spreading their fingers all over you and trap you back in.

Quote OR you can slap the bitch in the face and prove YOUR strength. Cause you are stronger, and it’s not legit – no matter what shitty situation we are in – to let the negativity of the addiction get back in your life. You can decide. Commit. And succeed. Cause we always have a choice, yes? Always.

I might be in a difficult situation currently, but in the end, ME is the one who decides where I am going. I choose the direction and my life is in my own hands. I can go wherever I want to, whenever I want to. I just have to decide and act. I have never been the person who sits in the corner, waiting for better times. I have never been the girl who was waiting for happiness to come around the corner, or the girl who whines about struggles. I handle them on my own and, especially, I ACT. I may tolerate quite the pressure and difficulties, but I am not a machine and I have just so much capacity. And then I take on a change.

Lucie

So. I got to get away and have some days off, some space and time and sleep – and things will show. Let’s hope a getaway can happen this month, if not, at least I can look forward to a week in October – in SPAIN. My heart belongs to the beach, and this place is one of the best places to be. Can NOT wait.

Bena Bena

Tell me where you are right now. A good place? A difficult place? What do you do?

What is the next place you are going to visit?

Cheers,

xxx

Luce

27 thoughts on “Bingeing. It happened. And it’s NOT about the food.

  1. THANK YOU times a million! I have been in a very bad place. I was under the weather last week, which made me worse emotionally, which made made me worse physically. VIcious cycle. Appointment made. No more feeling sorry for myself…seeking help. I am grateful to you for sharing. I don’t feel so alone❤

  2. Josh says:

    Thanks for this honest post, Lucy. Always so inspiring and raw. I’ve written here a couple times before but always am so grateful for your openness.

    I’m unfortunately not in recovery from bulimia, though I am doing “better” than I have in the past 10 years. I have about 2 “bad days” per week (usually last about 8 hours of bingeing and purging). Man, would I absolutely love to stop. Though this is certainly better than all day everyday like it has been for most of my bulimia, I still hate it. It still rules my life. No matter what inner work I do, though, that need to stuff stuff stuff with food won’t leave. I really don’t wanna do it or live like this anymore. I have 89538945 reasons why life would be so much better without it.

    Either way, thank you again. Though I don’t know you personally (I wish I did), I can see what a beautiful, inspiring woman you are.

    • Hey Joshua, thank you so much for your open comment.
      I’ve been there and I had all, ALL these reasons too – and eventually I made them come true. But oh, it was a hell of a lot of work. A LONG journey, tons of relapses and patience, patience, patience. Don’t give up. As you said, it is BETTER – and that is all that counts. Baby steps – each day one after the other. Keep it up and don’t stop believing!

  3. Thank you for sharing this. So powerful and true. You’re an inspiration🙂

  4. Your honesty and openness is as usual very inspiring. I sincerely hope that things will look brighter for you soon! And you’re right: it is all about getting back up!

    I’m going to England two weeks from now and I can. not. wait.!

  5. Emily Hawkes says:

    Thank you for being so honest. I was so disappointed in myself when I relapsed a couple of weeks ago (compulsive exercise and skipping meals). It’s good to know that it happens to the best of us, and that we can stop it from taking us over again. xxx

  6. your openness and honesty is inspiring! seriously though, i really appreciate that you are being REAL and allowing yourself to be vulnerable. you know how special that is since we come from ED pasts, being open and honest is not natural if you are struggling. so that tells me that you are already MUCH stronger than anything you can imagine! bumps in the road are normal for recovery, i know that i’ve sure hit a few bumps over the last couple of years but i’m still a thousand times better than where i was 5, 10, 15, or 20 years ago!
    it’s progress, not perfection… right?
    i find myself having moments where i want to just binge then go on some detox.. but them i’m like NO THANKS, i’ll just allow myself to eat and then deal with life naturally. some days i want a lot, some days not so much. it’s ok. the little voice is still there, but it’s not so loud anymore and most of the time i just ignore it…
    love you L! xox

    • That’s the way to go Babe!! The voice gets quieter and quieter and the happiness gets louder! That’s how it works and the direction to go for. And looking back on how far we have come is always so healing in moments when we think we are a failure.

  7. There’s absolutely no shame in slipping up and falling back into old habits — it happens to the best of us, especially when it’s a demon we’ve been fighting for years. What matters is what comes after. How we pick ourselves up and go on. And I have no doubt that you’re going to kick this thing in the teeth again. Sending tonnes of love and good vibes❤

  8. My friend… I think you are a total rockstar. Life happens… what counts is how we stand back up. xoxo

  9. You are always so honest and true Lucie and that’s why we love and respect you. You are so right, what has happened is done and it’s how you move on from it that counts. You have the strength there and I just send lots of hugs to you.
    Life has lots of crazy times which really tests us. My husband and I are moving to Australia on Saturday – it’s amazing and incredible but also stressful and goodbyes are so hard. I can tell my head is creeping in with bad thoughts but I am trying to keep strong and keep that ED side of my head at bay and not allowing it to take advantage of the stress!

    • Thank you so much for these words Jen! I am so excited for you for that new chapter in your and your husband’s life – I know it releases fears and tempts us to hold on to old patterns, but – YOU got this!!

  10. Hayley says:

    Thank you for sharing this. No matter how “recovered” anyone is, we all have our weak moments and times where we slip up. You are right that what matters is how you move forward afterwards.❤

  11. Heather says:

    Thank you so much for sharing. You are the coolest chick ever. I feel inspired!

  12. I puffy heart you. I blame/love meg for teaching me that line.

  13. You already know everything I have to say about this. Even so, you are amazing and remarkable, even when there’s a blip, especially when there’s a blip.

    Love you

  14. […] stuff on my blog that is useful and interesting for the majority of my readers – and after my post about my relapse, plus the article in the newspaper, I had such a huge feedback, I felt there is still so much need […]

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