1. June 2015 by swissfitchick
Recovered or not – in most ED cases it’s hard to tell where the line is and it’s a tightrope walk. All I can say, is that once you stepped into recovery for REAL, not only a remission phase, it only gets better from there. You know how it works. You have faith. Without even realizing, you make steps forward – these steps are so small, you won’t recognize them in a short timeframe, but you will when you look back after a longer period. You will be pleasantly surprised and amazed by your progress that seems to keep moving even though you thought it couldn’t get any better. Be patient. Believe in it. Practice it. And all is coming.
As with almost everything, my approach is to look at it individually. My recovery is different than yours. One year ago I felt recovered and I was diagnosed so, yet I feel like today I am even better. Compared to people who are completely FREE from an Eating Disorder, I might still be disordered. We can’t tell.
Additionally, like with all the things in life, it depends on myself how I feel about my progress and improvement in handling food, my thoughts attached to it (or not attached in that case), exercising, self-esteem and the importance of my appearance. I own my way of recovery. It’s the right track for me and fortunately I stopped caring about what people think of me.
Now I went to this 5 weeks trip and before I left I honestly did not have a good time in regards to food and training. I was overtraining and I was snacking all day long, stressed, sleep deprived, overworked and just craving sugar at the ungodliest hours of the day and nights (read: constantly). I was thinking about making a plan for my trip and working hard on my nutrition, but then I remembered that whenever I leave for a vacation, things tend to just fall into place. Getting in more sleep, sun, beach and having time for good trainings usually normalize my eating behaviors.
And it was exactly like that. CrossFit is a huge part of my life, so certainly I made sure I stay on track there and I trained on a regular basis during the whole trip. I made sure to fuel my workouts with real and healthy food, but I didn’t restrict or bothered about macros or measurements. If I had the chance to cook my own food, I did so, if not, I enjoyed my meals out. Plus my daily dessert and the occasional drinks – a little more when I was with these guys, hardly any when I was on my own.
Thoughts kept me occupied for the first few days of the trip – nothing wild, but I was watching my intake and worried about being too puffy and big. But then – the longer my trip lasted, the more I was distracted with shenanigans, new impressions, activities and travelling. Food wasn’t a priority no more, far from it. My body adapted, no funny stomach, no puffy feeling, no slugishness. It’s not that I stopped caring about what I eat, I probably will never do. I made sure to eat protein and vegetables and keeping my meals as healthy as possible while also enjoying some of the unhealthy stuff I love. That was it.
There were days when I ate a full bag of White Cheddar Cheese Puffs on my own followed by crackers and cheese and M&M’s and champagne. There were days when I ate two meals, nothing more cause I forgot (FORGOT!) about food. There were days which were filled with greens and lean protein. And there were days on the plane when all my meals consisted of Questbars.
Did I gain or lose weight? I can’t tell cause I don’t use my scale anymore. I probably I lost a little. And even if: there are two things today which are my priority when it comes to the subjects of body image, looks, weight and so on.
1. I want to feel powerful and strong in my workouts, I want to be rested and fueled enough to make progress and to feel fit every day.
2. I want to be happy about what I see in the mirror and I want to be able to wear my favorite clothes.
Point 1, check. Point 2, check. Without a mealplan, without counting macros, without stepping on the scale and without stupid thoughts which take away too much space in my brain. But with being mindful what I need/crave/buy/eat and by listening to my body as much as I can. It’s still not an easy thing for me to do cause I still use my training to bury emotional threats. And there IS stuff going on, I can tell you that.
This is the current state. I don’t know if this keeps going, I do hope so. I am still the girl that lives the extremes, so let’s pray for balance. 🙂