5. December 2014 by swissfitchick
The toughest test to check on recovery from an Eating Disorder is a crisis. To know if I was actually recovered, I knew I’d have to be stable during weal AND woe.
This year was all of it. I can definitely say I had huge crises and am still fighting with the aftermath – and I have another big factor in my life that is very insecure and unstable at the moment. Such is life. But aside from that, I experienced new, fabulous and wonderful things this year as well and I GREW so much in these past months (Literally. Mentally and physically. I had no idea my body is a guns machine in disguise.) like I never did before.
During the 20 years of my addiction, there were many of them when I was in a ‘remission phase‘. Means, I was relapse free, I looked quite healthy and from the outside, one thought I was ‘normal’. Mostly, this was in times when things in life went ok. Not too much pressure, no uncomfortable changes, no challenges, no confrontations. Simply, nothing that would threaten me emotionally.
During these times, I was convinced that the nightmare was over. 100% convinced. I forgot about the times when I binged and I didn’t care so much about food anymore, BUT – the ‘not-care-about-food-thing’ was a problem in a way that I just didn’t really eat. I partied, I smoked, I drank and I sometimes ate a little. I felt safe like that. I still worked out daily, but food just wasn’t important, I never cooked and never had something at home besides popsicle, prosecco and maybe a yogurt (light of course).
Oh how I fooled myself. It wasn’t over at all, and I think if I actually would have faced it, I would have known. Being skinny obtained first priority. Gaining weight was the scariest thought ever and dinner parties were extremely unnecessary in my opinion – why eat, when you can party with prosecco and a handful of chips.
Yes, I was always a welcomed guest, I was giggly and lively, silly and good to talk to, probably not so different from today. A social person, I always was and always will be. No one, not even me had the idea what in the depths of my subconscious mind awaited.
I was hit by reality. Means, my addiction showed me very clear, that it is not gone at all – that it is still here, lurking around me and waiting to attack when I am weak. It happened about 3 times full force. I remember these times in every little detail, I was in complete shock, that the monster, that I thought I locked out of my life is back – bigger, fatter and stronger than ever before. It took over control within one day and there was nothing I could do about it – or so I felt. It was a nightmare.
It takes way more than just structured eating habits. Moderate exercising. Not freaking out when you gain 1-2 kilos. It takes SO MUCH MORE to be recovered – at least that was the case for me. I had to change my mindset. My thoughts. My attitude towards myself. I had to gain confidence, I had to start loving myself and to stop defining myself through a number on a fucking scale. It wasn’t about the food. It wasn’t about the insane workouts or the skinny jeans which fits or doesn’t. It was in my HEAD. As I said in many posts before: How you talk to yourself and what you choose to believe about yourself shows up in the world, unmistakably.
I can only tell you what worked for me. And for me, it took shit tons of patience to change that mindset, step by step. Every day a little bit. I was so unbelievably pissed when I looked at myself in the mirror and knew I have to accept what I see. There was so much hate. I was SO irritated when my coach back then told me I need to keep up meditating daily to find results. I was freaking bored. But I stayed consistent. I did what I thought I need to do to find that balance I was longing for so badly. There were so many women around me I adored, cause they had this calm and peaceful charisma and I wanted to be like them. I wanted to be relaxed about life and confident about myself. It was my wish and I strove for it, day by day. Until it actually started to become real. In tiny little progress steps, I started to feel that inside of me, things are changing. The way I reacted on relapses, the way I talked to myself. The way I showed up in the world, towards others. I started to OWN things, and not caring about what others say. The confidence I had when I was a kid started to come back and let me be myself, and myself only. It felt right, the world felt right and I knew I was on the right track.
I make mistakes like every other human being does and I do backsteps here and there. I am not 100% happy with my mindset yet, and I will probably never be, cause I won’t and never want to be perfect ever. I doubt myself, I am insecure, I tend to fall into extremes – things I have to work on, but that’s life. A learning journey.
With every experience you make, you will learn and grow. Enjoy the ride.
Would love to hear your thoughts about remission and changing mindsets!!