4. September 2014 by swissfitchick
So it’s the late year of 2008, I was back from Berlin and I continued my studies in Social Work at a technical college in Basel. I had a hard time to leave Berlin and the boys. The boys came a long way and watching them grow more confident and letting go their difficult pasts and making changes and gaining hope and trust during the time we coached them was wonderful. Letting them go into a life on their own without us coaches was good, but also sad and not knowing if they would make it made me struggle.
As mentioned, I was stable and I felt happy. In my opinion, I was recovered. I found a pretty good balance with workouts and food – but I still took all the pills. Laxatives, Diuretics, illegal metabolic boosters, appetite surpressors and all the other shit. To decrease the side effects of the former, I took other medicine – aka Aspirin, stuff against stomach pain and shit tons of guarana to power through when I was weak from the diuretics. Dangerous and stupid. Very, very stupid and very dangerous.
Please note: these drugs DON’T make you lose weight. The only thing that stuff does is messing up your metabolism and your health and your body will have a rough time to recover from it. Don’t ever touch this shit.
I was addicted and I knew it – but I ignored it. I didn’t want to face the fact that I need to ditch all that shit. Instead, I studied hard, enjoyed my single life and partied.
I went for a random check at my doctors, when he found that my heart rate is way too high only from sitting on his bench. He read my face. He knew my story and he figured, I take stuff. We had a long talk when he recommended I should do a permanent treatment in a rehab to get rid of the pills. I was scared to death. And I didn’t want to believe it – I never thought I would have to go a place like this.
But yeah – my body suffered. Let’s keep it real here. I had diarrhea every day, I was dehydrated all the time, I had a constant headache from the metabolic boosters, I didn’t sleep well, I worked out way too much, and during my workouts I was short of breath cause my lungs suffered from the dehydration. My heart rate was always too high and I had stomach cramps every night. Over years.
As always, this was my secret.
A few months later, in February 2009 I checked in at the hospital for 2 months. I don’t like to remember this time. How can I explain this? Being there made me feel that I am really sick. It made me feel like I am abnormal and I don’t belong to the real world anymore. I had to do what the doctors said, there was a daily schedule that we had to follow and I had to do therapies I didn’t like. I hated it. See, I am independent. I might not do everything perfect, but I always want to try it on my own. I hate when I get patronized and I don’t like being said what I have to do.
Also, the hospital was not sepcialized for people with Eating Disorders. Means, I was able to cheat all around – I skipped meals, I worked out too much as a compensation for being off the drugs. I thought I was supersmart to be able to revolt without anyone noticing it.
I ditched all the pills. I got out of the clinic in March and I was clean. For a few months, and then I started all over again. I binged occasionally and I started to take the drug cocktail again. Fail.
Here’s the story on how we met.
I was pretty sure that my life is perfect now. Even though I was back into my addiction, I was pretty stable. I was in a kind of a remission phase, means, I just had a break from my ED and I thought this way I could live with the ED. I thought, I would never be able to recover more than that and I accepted to stay ‘partly sick’ – which I was ok with. I was a happy student, I thought I met the man of my dreams and everything is going to be perfect.
Except it never turns out the way you plan it, right? Relationships with an Eating Disorder ain’t no fun. Read the post about how we handled the situations – which was pretty amazing if I may say so. But see – relationships are like a mirror. A person who knows you so well like your partner, might be wonderful and a blessing, but he also uncovers all your insecurities, self-doubts and lack of self-worth. It was difficult for me to open up to Sandro, to trust that he would STAY even though he would get to know all of me and my past. I never opened up to a person before like this. I always had my secrets and my pokerface. Showing off my real self was so damn terrifying, it took me way too long to be able to do that. Still today, I am not sure if Sandro knew it all. Not talking about myself and my struggles is a very stubborn habit for me to break. I might write it all down here, but telling things face to face to an important person is so different, ‘shameful’ and difficult for me.
I had another huge relapse when I started to work in Zurich. I gave up my apartment in Basel, moved in with Sandro in Zurich and started a new job there as a Social Worker. It was too much. Too many changes at once. My friends and my family were not around and I was working 10-12 hours a day, it was crazy. I got up at 5, took my pills, went for a short run, was in the office at 6:30, worked through without a break until 6 and left the office with a bad feeling, cause I still had PILES of work to do. I loved to work with my clients, but it wasn’t possible to take the time to really listen to them, help them and care for them the way they would have needed it or deserved it. I had too much to do. When I came home, I binged all evening, purged and then went to bed to get up at 5 again. A nightmare.
I don’t know how Sandro and I made it, but somehow it didn’t affect our relationship. We stuck together and fought through until I was close to a burn out and quit the job. I was without a job for 6 months during winter 2011, but I slowly recovered from this rollercoaster year.
In March 2012, I decided to recover. YES. It is a decision – it was MY decision. I think this was the decision that pressed the start of the end of our relationship. I will tell my whole recovery process including the final detox of the drugs in the next part of this series, let’s stay with the relationship here for a moment.
Sandro and me stayed together for 4,5 years. We broke up past March. And yes, I thought he would be the man I will marry and have family with. And no, it hardly ever turns out the way you think it will. Many factors played a role on the WHY we broke up. Sandro had an amazing ability to give me a feeling of security, safety, and unconditional love. He was my rock, my support system and my shoulder to lean on in all these crazy times. And he had the car I loved 🙂 Joking. Or not. I loved the car. And him.
We were 2 very different characters. We share the same humour and we shared the social side. I think people loved to have us around, cause we both are team players, lively and silly. But there is a different energy, I think I sometimes overwhelmed him with my energy and temper – he is a very down to earth and totally less extreme character than me. The ED played a role as well of course – being recovered made me a different person from the one he met 4,5 years ago. Today, I am independent – I don’t need anyone to hold my hand, and I am 100% myself again. When we met, I was in need, I was insecure and I needed someone to be there for me – and I wasn’t 100% myself. 1 person, 2 different characters.
Anyway, we are in good terms today, but it’s over. I am 36 and I am not married and I have no kids. But I am happy and I have trust that I will find love again. Not now, cause I like my single life at the moment 🙂
I seriously can not be more thankful for my life. And I am curious and excited on what’s to come – maybe more fights will show up, maybe and hopefully I can continue to be happy all around. Whatever life has in store for me, I’ll take it. When I look back or read my story, I see I had some battles to fight. But in all honesty, I wouldn’t change a thing and I am thankful for every experience I made, even if some of them were damn hard or sad. But they formed my mentality, my strength and my trust into myself. I know I can rely on myself in all situations of life. I never gave up smiling and being thankful for a privileged life with bumps and obstacles.
Coming up, part 5 and last one – I will talk about my recovery, how I transferred my decision into action, how I failed and then succeeded. I will talk about how I managed to get rid of the drugs for good and how I managed to come back 100% to live life to the fullest. Stay tuned.