My story Part 2 – Being hit. Not only by Bulimia.

43

21. August 2014 by swissfitchick

If you missed out on the first part of the story, check it out here. – the childhood and anorexia.

IMG_4894

So, I was 18 years old and after the check up with the doc, I knew I have to start eating again if I didn’t want to lose my life. This might be hard to understand, but I was SO relieved that FINALLY a professional person who I TRUSTED gave me the OK to eat. It was what I needed – someone I really, really trust to tell me that it is OK to eat.

Hahaha, omg that POSE.

IMG_0997

So I slowly started to increase my amounts of food and started to enjoy foods I loved again. It was so hard – letting go off the control and seeing the weight going up. I struggled a LOT. But there was something that outshined the struggle and the fear of gaining weight – the way I felt. My energy came back and I felt like LAUGHING again (I sometimes couldn’t really laugh anymore cause I was so weak and had no coremuscles whatsoever), I slept so much better and I was vitalized during the day. I wasn’t myself yet, but I started to feel a lot more like myself again – still way too skinny (for me and my taste), but an adventurous bundle of energy which is my temper.

Friends

Yup, smoking.

Yup, smoking.

IMG_1008

‘Funny’ thing was that the relationship to my boyfriend ended in a very similar way like the one just a few months ago. With getting back into life and feeling strong, I kind of outran him and didn’t ‘need’ him anymore like the way I did during the sickness. We broke up only about 2 months after my start of recovering from anorexia after being together for almost 3,5 years.

But it wasn’t over at all. I started to binge. I had no idea what was happening, but every time I came home from a night out, I walked up to the kitchen and ate a lot of food. It was superscary for me to be overwhelmed by this behavior and not knowing how to control it. Bingeing is so dominant and I felt completely pilot-controlled. Losing control – my nightmare.

Lucie

I want to cut this phase e little shorter. I binged on and off. Remember, I never really faced or reflected the cancer story of my Dad, nor the other issues we had in our family. So of course these things bothered me – but instead of reaching out for support, I covered these emotions with food. I had days and weeks where I didn’t binge and then I had phases when I binged more. I compensated with restrictive eating – I didn’t know how to purge, so I just didn’t eat for a few days. Which lead to bingeing again – obviously. I felt so ashamed of this behavior and as I knew it, I didn’t talk to anyone. I binged secretly and struggled on my own.

IMG_1005

At the age of 19, I went to California for 4 months to study English, together with my friend. A new place, new foods, new people. I wasn’t as confident as today and didn’t really dare to just go to a gym or for a run – means, I didn’t workout for 4 months. The bingeing didn’t go away, ESPECIALLY with the feeling of guilt because of not working out and all the insecurities which appeared being away from home.

I gained a lot of weight. And I am SCARED to post these pics today, as I never showed them to anyone before except my friend who was with me in Cali.

Lucie Lucie

 

Lucie

I hated myself. Everything about myself. I hated being ‘fat’, a failure, cause I didn’t manage to control my food intake, I hated myself for not being disciplined enough to workout and I felt so unbelievably ashamed returning home looking like THIS. It was the worst moment for me to face my family and friends, seeing their shocked faces about my weight gain. HORRIBLE. Still, I didn’t talk to anyone about it.

Right when I returned home from my USA trip, I came together with a new man. He treated me sweet and nice for the first 3 months, until I moved in with him into his appartment. From that moment on, I was caught. He was insanely jealous and wouldn’t let me do the things I loved so much – being out with my friends, visiting my family – being YOUNG. He was 10 years older and felt the need to dominate me. He demanded that I lose all that ugly weight and that I dress like a ‘grown-up’ and that I only go out with him, if so. It was SO irritating for me, yet I fell for him and didn’t dare to leave him. Being with him made me feel small and worthless and I thought that without him, I would be lost. When we fought, he hit me. Many times. I can not remember a lot of the scenes (I guess I still surpress it), but I know I had to wear long sleeves or scarfs too many times. ‘Look at your butt. People laugh at you cause you have such a fat ass.’ I never forget that. I also never forget that he chased me along the empty beach in Thailand cause he was so mad. I ran for my life, I was sure he is going to kill me. I worked for Swissair at that time and I didn’t dare to admit, that I was relieved when I was up in the air and in whatever city I stayed. It was the time when there was no cell phone, no Skype, no Email, no Facebook. When I was off, I was off. I had to deal with bulimia all the time in this phase. I tried to talk to him about it, but he said he doesn’t want to hear that. I should just ‘get this shit under control’.

Lucie

Don’t be too sorry. It was my choice to stay.

My friends were desperate. IF they got to see me, they saw a pale girl with blue spots, sad, scared, insecure with no single bit of self-worth or self-confidence left. They were worried to hell and I remember a letter I got from one of my Besties, begging me to come back to them, leaving him – finding back to myself. He called her and said to stop writing all this shit to me and to leave us alone.

He threw me out after 1 year, cause he said he can’t keep up control anymore and he doesn’t want to hurt me anymore. I went home to Mom and Dad, crying like a baby. They were the happiest people in the world.

I stayed with Swissair for one more year. It was a great resttime as a single, but it was also a trigger for the Eating Disorder. No structured meals, only plane junk food, no routine. I sometimes binged in the galley (kitchen on the plane) while my crew members served the cabin. Or I ordered 1/3 of the room service menu, trying to shy away from the irritated look of the room service boy. It was the time when I started to take laxatives and started to purge sporadically. No good memories.

IMG_0996

At least I was back with my friends and I was beyond thankful they ‘took me back’ after I kind of left them for almost a year.

And YES, we dressed up as Aerobic Chics for a costume party. I LOVED it!!!🙂

Friends Friends

About a year later, I met a new man. He was still married, but seperated and he had a little son. Let’s just say – it wasn’t a healthy relationship either. It lasted over 3 years and this guy also had phases of jealousy which were out of control. He was a bodybuilder, so you can imagine that I was scared to death when he freaked out and that it was dangerous when he hit me. Though this time I stood up for myself and hit back. Of course I didn’t have the slightest chance, but at least I earned his respect. I am not proud, but it was my will to survive which was acting. I have to say that despite all the things he did, he was and is a good guy, but he went through really rough times with his divorce and his little son. I know that NOTHING can legitimate violence and abuse, but at least he really reflected his behavior and changed for the better – just not in the time when I was with him.

Lucie Lucie

There were good things about this relationship too. He helped me to find a way with workouts and food that made me get into balance. I lost quite some weight ( that was ok, I had enough ‘depot’) and learned how to eat regularly and workout without obsessing. He was my Personal Trainer. Which of course gave him the power over me he was looking for, but at least I got a break from bulimia and could stop those quick and unhealthy weight fluctuations. I was bingefree during the whole relationship. Looking back at the pics today, I find myself too skinny, but I know I did eat quite carefree and relaxed. Being skinny was a priority though. As always. We broke up several times, but we never made it too long without each other. It was this unhealthy addicted relationship – we were obsessed by each other and still couldn’t stay together. One day when he broke up again I didn’t fight anymore. I couldn’t. I was done.

It took me a long time to get over the end of this relationship and we never got to talk things out. Never. Even today he appears in my dreams, sometimes mad and dangerous, sometimes sweet and friendly. I don’t know how he is and I never got to know why we actually broke up in the end. And I probably will never know.

I stayed stable even after the relationship ended, but I wasn’t eating properly, I almost fell a little back into restrictive eating and was really skinny. But I was ok and I never went dangerously underweight anymore. Being skinny was a priority. As always.

 

Lucie

Coming up: Part 3 of my story – Dad leaves us, a new healthy relationship and the big relapse

xxx

Lucie

 

 

43 thoughts on “My story Part 2 – Being hit. Not only by Bulimia.

  1. I am really loving reading your story. You have been through so much and tell it all so beautifully. Sending you so much love, as always.

  2. You have been through so much girl! But you are so strong and I admire that it you! XOXOXO

  3. Linda @ Fit Fed and Happy says:

    I simply love this story…thank you so much for sharing. Abusive relationships are SO toxic! But at least your last relationship with that man was sweet as bitter as it was. By the way, if it helps you feel any better, I still think you look kind of slim even at your worst! Of course, feeling your best is always the best.

  4. WOW, Lucie, you have been through so much. What a powerful story. I know you are helping so many people by openly sharing your ups and downs and how you came through them. I’ve fortunately never been in an abusive relationship, but I know that for any type of struggle, it always helps to hear others going through the same thing. Thank you for being so brave!

  5. Thanks for sharing more of your story Lucie. Your openness is refreshing and touching.

    I think you look beautiful in your California pictures, especially the one on the…maybe a swing. Seriously, I don’t see an overweight girl at all. I see a beautiful face and a lovely little smile.

    • Aww, thank you Meghan. I think it was also the way I felt – I was so scared of this auto-pilot behavior I didn’t know. I had no idea how to handle it and it stressed me out big time. So for me, it wasn’t the happiest time – but yeah, some of the pics are kind of cute. The swing was at Venice Beach!

  6. Whoa girl… I didn’t know the half of this! You are such a smart, beautiful woman with amazing energy and strength. You deserve so much more than all that crap. I love getting to know you more and more, and I can’t wait to see what else the take on and conquer. Cheers, my friend.

  7. I agree with Meghan about your California pictures- I see a beautiful girl who doesn’t look overweight by any means. I am sorry you have had to endure such painful relationships, both physically and emotionally. But I guess there is some truth in the cliche ‘whatever doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger’! Cheers to the worst being over :)!

  8. WOW Lucie! You really have come so far! Your story is truly heartbreaking but what I like about it is how you have been able to push through every struggle and come back stronger. Not everyone would have been able to deal with half of what you have experienced but you still kept going! I admire you for that! Thank you for sharing!

    • Thank you Elsie! I was raised with a positive outlook to life, so this is my attitude no matter what happens. It’s always what we make out of it – even of sad stories!

  9. I am so glad you are so open and sharing every minor detail- so many bloggers hide these aspects but I think as part of your growth and overcoming it, writing it out in detail can be beneficial for you.

    While I want to say i’m sorry you had to suffer through all of this- I’m partly glad you did experience this- no doubt each and every bit of it has contributed to this amazing person you are today. It’s rare to tell someone is ‘amazing’ without actually meeting them but you exemplify it.

    • You are right – looking back now, I know this all happened for a reason and brought me to the GOOD place I am today. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right.

  10. I just want to reach out and hug you right now – you’ve been through so much! I’m sorry that you’ve had to suffer from all of this and some painful, abusive relationships, but seeing how you are today and how you’ve gotten through it all reflects what an amazing, strong women you are!❤

  11. Shelly says:

    It takes someone with incredible strength and spirit to leave a physically or emotionally abusive relationship. Congrats to you for knowing that you deserve better!

  12. Oh Lucie you really are my soul sister! Next time I am in Switzerland, maybe next year? we must meet. I adore you and feel inspired by your journey, which is WAY too similar to my own. You are never alone, at least that is the message I am hearing inside myself when I read your story. It’s beautiful and so are you🙂 We are recovering goddesses of strength and power, together! xox

  13. Wow, Lucie – thank you so much for sharing your story, in all of its detail. I can only imagine how hard it must be to relive some of this. I hesitate to say that I ‘enjoy’ reading this story, because obviously it breaks my heart to think that you went through what you did, but I just very much appreciate your candor and acknowledgment in such a public forum.

  14. Nicole says:

    You are so strong. xxoo

  15. cottercrunch says:

    wow oh wow.. Lucie. you amaze me. And i know all this happened for a reason. You don’t even know how much of an INSPIRATION you are! I truly think you should write a book on this.❤

  16. Bridget says:

    I just feel like you have spent time in my shoes. Seriously… I totally understand the stuff about the controlling man…

  17. Oh hun… I can’t even believe how much you’ve been through❤ But it just shows how strong and amazing you are to go through all of that and come out the other side with so much happiness and positivity in you.

  18. […] If you missed ‘My Story’ Parts 1 or 2, you can find them here and here. […]

  19. […] you missed part 1, 2 or 3, you can find them here, here and […]

  20. […] you can catch up with part 1, part 2, part 3 and part […]

  21. […] you missed the earlier parts of my story, you can find them here: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part […]

  22. […] I opened up to the world by going down the memory lane and digging out all my black secrets, it was even more terrifying. But the feedback […]

  23. […] then. Or feelings I ignored to reflect on over years – like the grief over my fathers death, the caning of my ex boyfriends, the fear of dying when I was anorexic or just the feeling of being not good enough for the world. […]

  24. […] first time I got to know the States was in January 1998, I was 19 and I went for a 4 month trip with one of my best friends – learning English and […]

  25. […] swear to you that I went through times when I thought I can not handle this anymore. When I felt like I am losing ground, […]

  26. […] like the loss of my Dad, abusive relationships and what not made me not only believe that I ought to be perfect, so my life would be as well […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 2,014 other followers

Follow me on Instagram!

Best nights out are the ones with the Bestie. #basel #trouble #nightout #opening #centralstation #larrysbar #blondesout #baselbynight #nightlife #friendstime #switzerland @sylviagysin

Follow me on Pinterest

%d bloggers like this: