My story Part 1 – stepping into Anorexia Nervosa

39

14. August 2014 by swissfitchick

Good morning and happy Thursday!

Thank you everyone for your hilarious comments on yesterday’s post. You guys crack me up and I am thankful I am not the only ‘lady’ who experiences some nasty behaviour once in a while. Happy sneezing. (with food)

Today I am starting the first part of my series ‘my story’ – after asking you guys on what you like to read, I got a LOT of requests to tell my story more detailed and especially how I managed to recover and overcome all the shit (I am sorry, my language is part of this all…..). To be able to explain how I did this, I have to start from the very beginning – and that is what you will have to read for the next 2-3 Thursdays/Fridays. I am sorry if that bores the hell out of you – there will always be some cheerful/silly food/fitness posts in between, so don’t worry.

image

Before I start, I want to say, that I will try to speak as much as possible only about me. Things which happened happened because of different reasons, but NO person in my life is to blame. Not my first boyfriend (there are 1-2 ex who can be a little blamed though), not my family, not my friends. The decision to stop eating or to start bingeing was all mine. I was loved and supported deeply and unconditionally by my parents, my brother and my friends throughout all times and still today.

I definitely was Daddy's girl....

AND Mommy's girl.

I had the most wonderful childhood you can imagine. My parents stayed together for as long as they could (my Dad died in 2001 – I was born 1978 – yup, I am a 70’s chick!! That’s pretty cool, believe me) – and me and my brother were raised in a big house together with another family who were also with 2 kids. So basically, I have another brother and an older sister too. Yeah, I was the baby of the family. Hippie-Community-Style. There we all lived in that house with a huge garden for everyone, rabitts, birds, cats and other pets (chinchilla’s, anyone?), a basemet with Pinball, Kicker, Ping-Pong and all that jazz. We had parties on every occasion – our house was the place to go for the entire neighbourhood. And no, it wasn’t perfect – we were a normal family who fought, who bitched and who had all the ups and downs like other families have too. But it was perfect for me and it was the time of my life.

Yes, that girl with the stupid batch on the eye is me :-)

Yes, that girl with the stupid batch on the eye is me🙂

We had the most normal eating habits one can think of. 5 meals a day, carbs, fats, proteins, veggies, fruit, dessert, everything. Healthy and some not so healthy. Balanced and normal. And Momma is a fantastic cook, so we were blessed with delicious meals daily (except when Dad cooked. Seriously, his sausage-cheese-salad was h-o-r-r-i-b-l-e!!!!🙂 )

Lucie

Turning 12 years old, my Dad was diagnosed with cancer. I remember, being terrified as a kid of all things diseases, death, war and natural catastrophes. So when he told me that he is seriously sick, this was the downfall for me. There was no way I knew how to handle the thought of losing the most important person in my life beside my bro and my Mom. So I chose a strategy: I ignored it. I asked him, if he would die (‘Maybe’), I wanted to know what the plan was (he showed me all of the meds he had to take and explained the therapy plan to me) – and then I didn’t talk about it anymore at all. With no one. I walked away when he started to talk about it and I focused on ‘normal’ things in life, like my saxophone, friends, school, sports. I thought, if I wouldn’t put this ‘happening’ into words, it would just disappear. I wanted to close my eyes and go through it, and when I open them again, everything would be over and just the same as before.I wanted his disease to be over as quick as possible, SO bad. I couldn’t cope with the fact that my dream childhood was over and my precious, safe nest of security and love jeopardized.

Past

Nothing was like it was before. Watching my Dad going through a chemotherapy was very tough for 12-years-old me. I mean – how are you supposed to handle something like this? Not only me, as a child, but also everyone around and my Dad himself – NOBODY prepares you for things like this. You just have to accept it and be strong and positive. I guess, that’s life. Dad recovered (for the first part). But I didn’t. There were other things going on in the family which I won’t talk about here, but let’s say, it wasn’t too easy for all of us. We had the usual teenager madness going on. I was the worst bitch-teenager, I smoked weed like there’s no tomorrow, got drunk every weekend (I am well aware that I still do that sometimes today, thanks🙂 ) Partying and being a cool Punk-Grunge-Girl were the priorities in my life. Fuck school and teachers and all uncool grown-ups. Yeah , like that . I still feel terribly sorry for Momma and Dad.

Lucie HippieWe still had a beautiful, priviledged life and happy times, with fun anf love. But there were deep wounds. When in therapy years later, I figured, that – as this 12-14 years old girl – I felt like I take up too much space. There was too much to handle for my Mom and Dad with the cancer and everything else, so I felt like I am a burden for them. Don’t get me wrong – NO ONE EVER made me feel like I was a burden. But it was just that I found it easy at school, I had friends and all, and basically had no ‘serious’ problems in life – or so I thought. I felt like I shouldn’t make any ‘trouble’ at home.

Past

Still, I was traumatized and I completely refused to show that or talk about it. It is a strategy I chose back then and still choose today – handling things on my own. That never changed. I felt and still feel the safest when I am on my own, when something bad/sad happens. You will never find me calling someone when I am in trouble – and I didn’t do that as a child/teenager either. I do take support today and reach out for help when I really need it – but in the first place and whenever possible, I completely rely on myself only.

Bena

The urge to not take up so much space resulted in a quite logical but scary action – disappearing. And I did that by making myself smaller  – smaller as in skinnier. I wasn’t aware of this of course. It started so harmless – at the age of 15, I was deep in love with my first real boyfriend (oh, do you remember the first love? Soooo cute and romantic) – a medicine student. In his first years of studies, he learned things about nutrition and started to talk to me about it. At that time I never gave a second thought on what I ate. I just ate. I was a curvy teenager, but I was never ever overweight or chubby. Anyway, both of us then just started to eat a little healthier. That was it. Harmless.

Until the pounds started to drop. I had no intention whatsoever to lose weight, but it just happened. I got compliments. My pants fit better. I liked it. I started to control my intake a little more. And some more. It wasn’t that I totally changed my eating habits from one day to the other, it was a very, very slow and sneaky process. Everyday I changed something in my diet, just little things, and in a timeframe of a few months, I hardly ate anything anymore on a given day.

Past

I loved the control I had over everything. I felt extremely fierce, confident and strong because I was SO in control. It was like a drug, being able to say no to all the seductions. I couldn’t stop. I never ate, but the only thing that mattered in my life was food. My people got worried, of course, my boyfriend tried to talk to me countless times, my friends let me know that they thought I was too skinny. That pushed me even more. It was like a compliment – HA! – they notice. Must go on. Must do more. My hair was crazy thin, I was pale like a wall, my skin was kind of tranpsarent, my bones stuck out. I could hardly cycle, I was so exhausted after cycling to school. Still, I was driven. I forced myself to workout, daily, every day. Move, move, move. Weigh. Move. Weigh. Control Food. Go to the Supermarket and stare at food. Buy Chewing Gum. Collect Recipes. Eat half a light yogurt and take 30 minutes for that. Drink tons of bubble water. Bake sweets for others and test your discipline not taste testing. Be thrilled about every lost gram. Bodychecking, bodychecking. EVERY time I crossed a mirror – bodycheck. Still too fat.

Lucie_Thin

I was scary underweight for about 9 months. I still thought I need to lose weight – my body awareness was completely distorted. No period of course, no loud Lucie. I was too tired to be loud and full of life, as I naturally am under normal circumstances. I hardly went out, I had to sleep early, cause I was so exhausted. I never had sex with my poor boyfriend. My hormones were half dead, so were my eyes – no gloss in my glance. I still had my friends and I still had fun with them. You know me – humour is one of the biggest parts of my life and I will never EVER stop being silly and laugh. We went on skiing camps with school, we had parties – I was part of it, and I loved it. No Anorexia was ever able to take away my social side. It is how I was raised, it is what I feel most safe and confident at.

Past

One day, my boyfriend took me to the doctor. He was sick and tired watching me starving myself to death. He said:’We go there. Or I go.’ So I went. I loved him way too much to give up on him. Thank GOD. The doctor was straight and honest:’ You have to put on a lot of weight. Otherwise you will be in hospital very, very soon and we will feed you. What you do, is a slow suicide.’

I woke up. And started eating.

My story Part 2 – gaining weight and getting to know signs of Bulimia – coming up next week.

xxx

Lucie

39 thoughts on “My story Part 1 – stepping into Anorexia Nervosa

  1. Bridget says:

    It’s such a powerful story so far… Scary though. It is helpful to hear how bad it was and to see who you are today… A beautiful and healthy woman!

  2. Linda @ Fit Fed and Happy says:

    I can’t wait to hear part 2. I’m so sorry for everything you had to go throughm the loss of a family member at such a young age is devastating. But now you’re stronger and wiser and above all, happier.

    Are you still with that boyfriend?

  3. Thank you so much for sharing your story (and what’s to come)! XOXO

  4. Wow thank you for being so honest with your story Lucie and I’m sorry to hear about your dad! I’m sure he is looking down now and gleaming with pride at how far you have come.

  5. Lucie…..I actually have no words for this post. I can’t even imagine you’re mindset at that tender age- You honestly should be so damn proud for your progress- and Dad is definitely proud. So proud.

  6. wow Luce. Your honesty is amazing. I think a lot of people will find they can relate in many ways. Believe me, I can. I dealt with some pretty traumatic family sickness in college which led to me going overboard with trying to be “healthy”. It’s only now that I realize this but of course, hindsight is 20/20. Thank you for sharing your story, you’re seriously inspirational!

    • I am so sorry you had to go through this girl!! It is always the wrong pont of time, but it is even worse when you are still a child. It’s amazing what coping strategies one finds, right?

  7. carlyjg says:

    You’re amazing for sharing this. Honestly. xx

  8. Thanks for being so open and honest with your story Lucie! I’m sure a lot of people can relate – I didn’t have any illness in my family, but it looks like we went through a lot of the same things otherwise. It’s scary to look back on, isn’t it? Thank god that we’re both in better places now!

    P.S. I’m jealous that you had a chinchilla. I always wanted one.

  9. Wonderful post Lucie! I can tell how genuine you are and how much you are writing from your heart. Also love the fact you are telling “your” story and not what other people want to hear.🙂

  10. Anoushé says:

    Wow Lucie.. reading this brings back so many memories.. Crazy how this illness overcomes all your thoughts. I remember how much I was able to obsess over food without ever eating it.. sometimes I ask myself though (almost) fully recovered from bulimia, how much my wanting to live a healthy happy “normal” life is also a slight obsession. Because I know how terrible the illness was and how terrible it made my life and would never want to go back so start obsessing over becoming “healthy”. Just something that came to my mind while reading your post and remembering all the dreadful thoughts I used to have…
    So powerful of you to be able to share!

    • Everything in extremes isn’t healthy. There are so many different ways of obsessing over something that in reality only covers up something that is underneath. Finding a balance and REALLY live a normal life is very difficult an needs a new commitment every day. But nothing is impossible!!

  11. Beautiful story Lucie, not sure if you knew this about me but my Dad passed from cancer at the age of 6 years old, funny how we both were bulimic/anorexic with the same childhood kind of, I wonder if there is some connection. Either way, I am happy you are able to share your story with others and I know it will help many women out there who suffer from this kind of thing! All my love to you xo C

    • I am SO sorry Courtney to hear this!! I had no idea!
      There is always a reason why we meet someone and I can totally see the reason why our ways crossed. We have SO much in common!
      Sending you love and hugs!!

  12. Ann says:

    Wow…I love you even more, Lucie. You are so strong and fearless for sharing this!

  13. Love you for being so open and honest about this❤ I turned to restriction too as a way to control my life when all the plans I made fell apart and I found my mind reeling in the chaos it left behind. It numbed me to all of that, but opened up a whole other world of hurt that took ages to recover from. You know the crazy thing, though? I still wouldn't change it… I feel like I'm a better person coming out than I was going in.

    • I am right there with you. I wouldn’t want to change it. When I look back to what I achieved so far, I feel so strong and invincible. That wouldn’t be like that without this past!

  14. Thank you for sharing your story. It’s incredibly open, honest and poignant. You’re good at the social side of life because you are willing to share yourself, and it’s one of the reasons I really enjoy your blog.

    I’m sorry you had to go through your dad’s illness. That sucks, and it wasn’t fair.

    On a lighter note, I was born in 1978 too.🙂

  15. Lukas says:

    Very brave to share this story! Thanks Lucie
    Awesome writing as always…

  16. cottercrunch says:

    oh friend, thank you for sharing this. I can’t imagine what you went through watching your dad go through cancer. And it makes sense then wanting to feel invisible. But i am so glad that your family and friends love you and you found yourself again. True strength!!! xxoo

  17. Lucie this is a beautiful and honest post. I loved reading every single word and I loved getting a little window into your soul. THANK YOU

  18. […] you missed ‘My Story’ Parts 1 or 2, you can find them here and […]

  19. […] you missed part 1, 2 or 3, you can find them here, here and […]

  20. […] you can catch up with part 1, part 2, part 3 and part […]

  21. […] you missed the earlier parts of my story, you can find them here: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part […]

  22. […] I was SO irritated by the ending when I was younger, but I just love the music – considering I grew up as a Hippie kid, this fits. Also, we can pretend to be Berger and perform on the kitchen table and shout ‘I […]

  23. […] I opened up to the world by going down the memory lane and digging out all my black secrets, it was even more terrifying. But the […]

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