24. July 2014 by swissfitchick
Last week, I met a very good friend of mine for lunch. He told me about a project he is involved in and how much he struggles with the decision to go for it or not. ‘Why do you doubt?’ I asked. ‘Cause I am so damn scared.’ Me: ‘Then you should do it.’
I can not even count the situations when I struggled with fear. And I regret a few of them when fear stood in my way and kept me from doing something I actually wanted. The reason why I haven’t got a higher matriculation from school is fear. Yep, I might be blonde but I would have been bright enough to do it – I was just scared. The reason why I am not a professional saxophone player is fear. I was blessed with a musical talent that wanted to be challenged, but I was scared.
I had self-doubts.
I still have fears. Anxieties. Doubts. I guess pretty much everyone has them. But today I know that I have to do EXACTLY what scares me. Overcoming fears are the way for me to get confident with myself. To find out, what I am capable of. To drop the doubts and to feel proud.
Travelling to the Philippines to do development work and travelling on my own for 3 months? I almost peed my pants. I had no freaking idea how I was supposed to live without power and water but with cockraches and geckos for WEEKS. I had no idea how I would manage to repair a school building and how to find my way around the islands on my travels. I went and faced every effing fear that came my way – there was no other choice anyway! I had the time of my life.
Moving to Berlin to work with criminal young men for 7 months? As the only blonde Swiss female in a big group of guys who certainly liked to challenge my repartee and intelligence? I went for it. Me, a huge city and a job that was super challenging, difficult, emotional and men-dominated. I organised my travels, the job, my appartment there and my life in this huge city. I was scared to death, but I loved every minute of this adventure.
A new adventure comes my way – Sydney. 6 weeks in this city on my own – and then 3-4 weeks of travelling to – I don’t know? California is on the list. I will be in a car. In the middle of Australia or California on my own. Holy shit. It will be hard – challenging – fun. And I know I won’t regret it for a second. It will add value to my life. It will boost my confidence even more. I will make wonderful, scary, maybe sad and fun memories. So worth it.
Crossfit. As much as I love it, as much it scares me. Why? I don’t really know. Failure? Not being as good as others? The presence of those self-doubts? Not being strong enough? To be belittled for being older than many others, a blonde chick, not skilled enough? Maybe. Plus the unknown. You never know what a Crossfit Class brings. It’s not your decision, you follow the coach. It’s such a challenge for me every single time, I push my limits or even cross them every single time. It’s hard, so it’s scary. I have huge respect of everyone who does Crossfit.
My biggest fear was letting go of my Eating Disorder. Anyone who struggles knows exactly how terrifying this is. An ED is a reliable ‘friend’ – so perfidious and sneaky yet always there. You can depend on an Eating Disorder in every situation. It won’t go away. Dangerous. The thought of letting go of this life-filling ‘friend/hobby/passion’ is scary. What happens then? What will fill this empty hole where the ED lived in?
Who am I without my Eating Disorder?
For a long time I couldn’t imagine living ED free, as I only knew my life WITH it. Besides the disordered behaviors there is so much emotional stuff behind an Eating Disorder that has to be faced, reflected and handled. It made me panic. As you know, it took me YEARS to finally let go of all those destroying habits and sorting out my emotional issues. It was the hardest thing for me to do to get ready living without this familiar ‘buddy’ on my side.
I know it’s not always easy, but don’t let fear stop you. Be confident. Be courageous. Be strong, cause you ARE. Fear doesn’t go away unless we face it and prove that black is white. You can do anything you want – see above – fear is nothing more than an obstacle that stands in the way of progress. It can take over our life and dominate our mindset letting us in self-doubts and anxiety. It can drive us crazy and make us believe that we are not capable of doing the things we want to. WRONG. You CAN do it. Take those fears, punch them in the face, then drop them and move on.
What was the biggest fear you overcame?
What do you want to do but are afraid of?
Did you wear glasses like me when you were a kid?