26. June 2014 by swissfitchick
Funny enough, when I first started to do fitness, I lifted weights. I was 18 years old (or 17) and joined my first gym. I never sat on a bike and you never found me on the Treadmill – I religiously followed the weight lifting program the trainer there created for me.
Though I didn’t want to get strong, I simply wanted to look tight and fit. I didn’t care how much I lifted. And honestly, with the amount of food I ate (or maybe better I DIDN’T eat), there was no way I would build some serious muscle.
With the progressing of my Eating Disorder and especially when I entered the field of bulimia, Cardio started to play a more important role.
To cut this short, over the years, I became the Cardio queen. I ran at least 100 minutes a day, every day. If I didn’t run, I spent 2-2,5 hours on different Cardio machines at the gym. When I think about this today it makes me sick. I have no freaking idea as to how the HELL I was able to waste my time like that and how I didn’t die in boredom. Call it addiction, I guess??
I still like to run. But today’s runs are fun. I go out when it’s beautiful, to explore areas, to move to good beats, to clear my head, to meditate. I don’t care if I burn calories or how many miles I run and I don’t give a shit for how long I am out there – I can’t stand more than 50 minutes anyway.
I also love to do some intense HIIT stuff or the ‘cardio’ we do at Crossfit – like practising Double Unders (did I just say that?? I must be mental), rowing (yes, I really like it!!), sprints, Kettlebell craziness and stuff.
About 1,5 years ago, I fell in love with weight lifting AGAIN. I also tried Crossfit, but I wasn’t hooked yet. Crossfit got me past January. Both weight lifting and ESPECIALLY Crossfit now are the first sports I actually do structured, mindful, goal oriented, consistently and patiently. Means, I train to get better, constantly. I love how my body changes this way, and I eat to perform and to get lean. But my focus is on the passion of working out, making progress and training to reach my goals. I have no CLUE how many calories I burn and I simply don’t care. I take 2 full restdays a week, sometimes 3. If I feel like running, I run, if not, I don’t.
Gaining muscle and strength didn’t only make me stronger physically, but also mentally. As much as I was intimidated to enter the free weights area at the gym and join all the muscly groaning men – I now don’t care anymore what they think of me. It’s not THEIR weight room. I am blonde, and I have boobs. Yes, I wear pink and a ponytail, my nails are painted (mostly red) and sometimes I wear make up. Such a cliché. What does SHE want here. She should be on the Elliptical. I dare to say they shut their thoughts when I start lifting. I am not the strongest and I will never be. But I can lift some heavy stuff and I am proud of it. I give myself credit for that and I don’t need stupid remarks or looks from bored bodybuilders. I simply want to train hard and don’t care about their shit. Oh yes, I am that arrogant blonde bitch at the gym. I call it focus.
Surviving Crossfit WOD’s and Benchmark weeks is another thing that supports my self-confidence. Honestly?? The first 3 months I was friggin’ SCARED of every single Crossfit Class. I felt weak and stupid and I was terrified that my performance sucks, that I fail, that everyone is better than me and that I simply embarrass myself. I had to kick my ass to cycle there twice a week and face those fears. It sounds stupid, but it’s the truth. Thanks to my sweet friend, neighbour and Crossfit buddy Vanessa I wasn’t always on my own and felt so much better when she was with me – and I still do.
Today, I am looking forward to it. I am still nervous – everytime. But I know the trainers, I know some other Crossfitters and I made progress. I am – and maybe always will be – in the very beginner middle-field with my performance and that is ok. I am ambitious and I want to improve my skills and strength but I do this for ME in the first place. It takes time and I just keep on working hard. But the most important thing is, that I am amazed by what my body can do. Those past 20 months made me appreciate my body so much, its capabilities, its strength, its flexibility. I pay tribute to my body for all what it achieved so far – especially after all I put it through.
So – first of all – if my body does this all for me, I should do something for it too. I should take care of it the best I can. I should nourish it with the best food I can find. I should love and appreciate it day by day.
And yes of course, I gained weight. And not just a bit. Can I still wear all my clothes? Some yes, some no. Do I mind? Yes, cause some of them were favorites. And no, cause some clothes just look way better on me now. I am happy that my body simply is stronger and fitter than ever before. For me it is a sign of recovery that I don’t freak out because I put on kilos. And that I don’t change anything in my routines because of that. That I hardly ever step on the scale. I am not interested in how much I weigh. I am interested in how I look and how I feel.
I eat to perform. I eat to achieve my goals of gaining strength and looking fit and lean. I do not NOT eat to be skinny and I don’t eat because I am struggling emotionally. I love food and I love what it does for my body and my performance.
Secondly – being strong physically makes me feel invincible. It makes me feel like I can get through everything that life throws at me. It makes me feel that I can fight and be successful. I mean, if I can lift 1 and a half times my bodyweight up from the floor (I weigh something like 65kg, fyi – YES) and pull myself up a bar with weight around my waist, I will SURE be able to fight those nasty and horrible Eating Disorder thoughts, right?? CONFIDENCE and SELF TRUST is what I need to fully recover. Because if I don’t trust myself that I can achieve anything, then the negative thoughts have an easy way to my mind.
Do what you want to do, because you CAN.
Go girls. You are STRONG!!