12. June 2014 by swissfitchick
Let me explain this title.
A few years ago I went out for dinner with my personal trainer. We chatted about stuff and my life and my Eating Disorder. He asked me:’ What is your biggest wish about all this, Lucie? What do you want to achieve?’ I answered:’ I wish, I could look back and see this all in retrospect. I wish I was already further in my process and I wish I could say ‘when I was sick…’ and not having it here with me in my present. I wish it would be over now and me being happier.’
Little did I know how that actually feels like.
Yesterday I had a single session with my therapist to reflect on the whirlwind happenings of the last few months. I also updated her on my recovery. It was one of my proudest moments in my recovery to tell my therapist that I am free of relapses since 6 months, that food is not associated with emotions anymore, that I love my body the way it is – but still working hard for it. That I don’t own a scale anymore, that I built a lot of muscles (and gained weight as a result) and that I am positive about my present and my future – I am ready to dream big, work hard, stay focused and surround myself with good people.
I can look back. To the time when I was captivated by my Eating DIsorder for fucking 18 years. I am 36 years old now, so this is 50% of my life at present.
And I do look back. To the times when my morning ‘coffee’ was a handful of fun colored pills. When being around food was a torture. When weekends on my own were dominated by binges and purges. When all that mattered in my life was being skinny, and eating as little as possible.When my body refused to move because I was too underweight. I want to look back, cause I never want to forget what I went through. I want to remember how I felt in order to appreciate my freedom today even more. I started with anorexia when I was 16 years old and I have hardly any memory about how life was without a mind that is occupied by addictive thoughts. I know that today again.
I worked my ass off to get my mindset straight. I failed SO many times. I tried just as many times. I started recovery at wrong points with wrong goals and in wrong directions. And I fell and fell again. But I rose every single time after falling. It was the hardest thing to do not to surrender and say ‘fuck it – I can’t do it’. It would have been easy to get drowned in the cycle and not facing my real struggles.
I had to leave my comfort zone countless times. It scared the shit out of me and I was frightened that I would fail and be a loser. But I did it and even though it was far from a success on the first effort – I was successful after 100 attempts or maybe 1000 attempts. It is what it takes. Practise. Patience. Consistency. Hard work. Focusing. Believe. Faith. Love. Determination.
Kind of similar to handstands and handstand push ups. Still a long way to go for me……
I don’t know if I am recovered. I don’t dare to say so. Not yet.
But my wish came true, I am able look back to the times when. I can share my experience and encourage other women to believe in themselves. I don’t care if I am writing the same old shit here on the blog over and over and bore people to death – as long as I can speak to someone out there and give them a spark of hope it is ALL worth it.
Never stop working hard, never stop believing. Reaching happiness and your goals needs a commitment. And sometimes we have to choose that commitment daily. Yes. Every single day.