What’s your wish Lucie? I wish I could look back…..

37

12. June 2014 by swissfitchick

Let me explain this title.

A few years ago I went out for dinner with my personal trainer. We chatted about stuff and my life and my Eating Disorder. He asked me:’ What is your biggest wish about all this, Lucie? What do you want to achieve?’ I answered:’ I wish, I could look back and see this all in retrospect. I wish I was already further in my process and I wish I could say ‘when I was sick…’ and not having it here with me in my present. I wish it would be over now and me being happier.’

quote

Little did I know how that actually feels like.

Yesterday I had a single session with my therapist to reflect on the whirlwind happenings of the last few months. I also updated her on my recovery. It was one of my proudest moments in my recovery to tell my therapist that I am free of relapses since 6 months, that food is not associated with emotions anymore, that I love my body the way it is – but still working hard for it. That I don’t own a scale anymore, that I built a lot of muscles (and gained weight as a result) and that I am positive about my present and my future – I am ready to dream big, work hard, stay focused and surround myself with good people.

quote

I can look back. To the time when I was captivated by my Eating DIsorder for fucking 18 years. I am 36 years old now, so this is 50% of my life at present.

And I do look back. To the times when my morning ‘coffee’ was a handful of fun colored pills. When being around food was a torture. When weekends on my own were dominated by binges and purges. When all that mattered in my life was being skinny, and eating as little as possible.When my body refused to move because I was too underweight. I want to look back, cause I never want to forget what I went through. I want to remember how I felt in order to appreciate my freedom today even more. I started with anorexia when I was 16 years old and I have hardly any memory about how life was without a mind that is occupied by addictive thoughts. I know that today again.

I worked my ass off to get my mindset straight. I failed SO many times. I tried just as many times. I started recovery at wrong points with wrong goals and in wrong directions. And I fell and fell again. But I rose every single time after falling. It was the hardest thing to do not to surrender and say ‘fuck it – I can’t do it’. It would have been easy to get drowned in the cycle and not facing my real struggles.

quoteI had to leave my comfort zone countless times. It scared the shit out of me and I was frightened that I would fail and be a loser. But I did it and even though it was far from a success on the first effort – I was successful after 100 attempts or maybe 1000 attempts. It is what it takes. Practise. Patience. Consistency. Hard work. Focusing. Believe. Faith. Love. Determination.

Kind of similar to handstands and handstand push ups. Still a long way to go for me……

Lucie

I don’t know if I am recovered. I don’t dare to say so. Not yet.

But my wish came true, I am able look back to the times when. I can share my experience and encourage other women to believe in themselves. I don’t care if I am writing the same old shit here on the blog over and over and bore people to death – as long as I can speak to someone out there and give them a spark of hope it is ALL worth it.

Bena

Never stop working hard, never stop believing. Reaching happiness and your goals needs a commitment. And sometimes we have to choose that commitment daily. Yes. Every single day.

xxx

Lucie

37 thoughts on “What’s your wish Lucie? I wish I could look back…..

  1. YES! So proud and happy for you๐Ÿ™‚ I find your journey inspiring and truly remarkable.

    It’s not the same old shit, each time I’m having a rubbish day (/week ha) and I open up your blog to see a post like this it brings back my faith and reassurance that it’ll work out okay. Better than okay, it’ll work out bloody awesome, cos life is awesome. It just takes (a lot) of work sometimes. But that’s what makes it worth it and how we appreciate it. Thank you Lucie, for being so strong and for being you๐Ÿ™‚

    • Thank you so much Pip!! You know I love every comment of you and I am happy I can cheer you up when having a bad day.
      Always here, thank you for your loyalty!!

  2. healthypetite says:

    I really love this post, and I really love how far you’ve come. I have too dealt with anorexia for half of my life (however I am only 19) and wonder what life is like without all the thoughts. I have recently relapsed and have sworn to myself this will be the last time. You give me hope for the future. xx

  3. I don’t even really know what to say — this is beautiful, Lucie. I love what you said about failing so many times and trying so many more. That’s really what it’s all about, eh? Never giving up. Never losing hope that one day you’ll be free of the demons.

    I never want to forget what I’ve been through either, mostly because it keeps me on the straight and narrow and prevents me from resorting to bad habits if I ever have a bad day. That and I want to remember so that I can always relate to girls who are going through the same thing and need a little bit of encouragement.

    Love youโค

  4. You give more than a spark of hope! Reading your posts and seeing what will come when we keep fighting is a huge inspiration. Thank you su much for that!!!

  5. You continue to be an inspiration, Lucie. It’s not an easy journey- and it is a journey because sadly, the memories are there, the fallbacks are there- but you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and try again. Soon enough, the ‘good’ days take over the ‘bad’ ones.

    • Thank you Hunn.
      The bad days are already the minority – and even if they happen, they don’t dominate me or drag me down completely. I just curse all day, so I’m fine๐Ÿ™‚

  6. cottercrunch says:

    we all fail at so many things, but it’s the pursuit and the WANT To be FREE and LIVE LIFE that keeps us going, yes? and YOU! You are sharing your journey so that others can follow. That’s amazing and i adore you even more for it!

  7. Love this and love you! As hard as some struggles are, it’s awesome to be able to look back and tell yourself “I beat that. I’m better now.” As much as I want to forget some of the stuff from my past, I know it shapes who I am today and remembering the worst of times really allows me to appreciate recovery and where I am today. I’m so happy you share your journey with us!

    • I definitely want to forget some of the things too, it’s hard and sometimes embarrassing to remember. But it’s part of us, we can’t deny it – but the more we can make things better today!

  8. I’m so proud for you!!! And I know you’re enjoying life.๐Ÿ˜‰

  9. Oh wow Lucie..you are AMAZING! I am so proud at how far you have come and you continue to be such an inspiration to so many! Even for people who might not have had an eating disorder, you still remain a source of proof that anything is possible when you work towards making a change! While the ED may have robbed you of memories in the past, it also allowed you to become stronger than you ever thought possible!!

    • Thank you my sweet friend!! And yes, the mindset applies to all factors in life. It is always about trying again and again and again – one day it works!

  10. Carrie says:

    Lucie, I’m a relatively new reader (8 weeks or so), but I just wanted to tell you how closely I identify with your story and how f-ing awesome I think you are. You are an inspiration!!!๐Ÿ™‚

  11. You go girlfriend! Keep on moving forward!! Love to YOU!

  12. […] I Wish I Could Look Back… via Fit Swiss Chick. A super inspiring post about never giving up and always trying again no matter how many times you might fail. […]

  13. Wow, Lucie, this post gave me goosebumps so many times over. You are such an inspiration, and I love the way that you can celebrate your progress while still knowing that you have work to do. So glad you’re feeling good about your body and your self – you are beautiful!

    • Thank you so much Megan!!
      I am always a little scared that I could ‘lose ground’ – with the successes. Forgetting that I need to be aware of all the things that I still have to work on. Writing about it and staying present helps – and you my readers give me even more hope and motivation!

  14. Bridget says:

    I am still in the process of starting recovery. I’m still in denial a bit. I’ve only been struggling with an ed for just under a year… It has taken such a toll on me emotionally. My family is so frustrated with me and expect that this will be a quick fix. I wish they understood how difficult and complex a disordered eating mind set is. Thank you for writing this. It did truly inspire me.

    • Don’t let anyone putting pressure on you Bridget. Recovery takes a lot of time and patience and it is YOUR journey, so take it as slow as you need to. It’s the only way to make it happen lifelong!!

  15. Flo says:

    Lucie, I never comment on blogs, although I do read yours (and follow you on instagram of course)! I just want to say that this post brought me to tears because it felt like I could have 100% written this myself although I doubt as perfectly as you have! I also suffered from consuming bulimia and anorexia for 8 years (from 12-20) and your description of how life is in the eating disorder is so spot on, it is painful to think back to that time and I am so sorry that you had to go through that for so many years too. I failed so very many times too, so many times felt like recovery and freedom from my addiction was just too difficult. But it is so true that we cannot give up. Because after 999 failed attempts, when I almost lost all strength and never attempted it again, I too found recovery on the 1000th. Anyway I just want you to know how incredibly inspirational you are to me and what a beautiful person inside and out you are. You are amazing girl!!! Flo (@fpfit on IG)

    • Flo – I can not even tell you how much your comment means to me. THIS is exactly why I blog – comments like these make me a better person and make me want to keep on going and getting better.
      You know you are a huge inspiration to me too and I am so impressed by what you achieved. Keep doing what you’re doing. So many out there are looking up to you for good reason!! Love you!!

  16. Missy says:

    You give me so much hope. I read your blog but I rarely comment, especially when you write about this because it’s often renders me speechless, it always hits home.
    Today, I am your age. But still not looking back on “it” so thankyouthankyouthankyou for sharing with us.

    • Missy – thank you so much for commenting.
      I am with you, I know how damn hard it is to get out of it. Please please NEVER lose hope. Have faith and keep believing. I know you can do it.
      Always here!!

  17. […] What’s your wish Lucie? I wish I could look back…. – Recovery is here, for real. Thankfulness and Reflection are the top feelings. […]

  18. What a great post! You’re inspirational Lucie. Congratulations on all of the progress that you’ve made!

    On the topic of eating disorders, I was thinking about them yesterday because I was looking at an Instagram account where this girl posted all of these pictures of herself (her very slim, pretty self) with captions about how fat and ugly she was, and how she couldn’t believe that she had eaten 900 calories this day or didn’t workout another day. I was just so sad for her, and was thinking that posting it on social media is such a desperate cry for help.

    • Thank you for your sweet words!!

      I know these IG accounts, there are many out there and I think it’s supersad and horrible at the same time. There’s the line when Social Media gets cruel!!

  19. […] + What’s Your Wish Lucie? I Wish I Could Look Back… […]

  20. I think if we ever finish where we are on a journey then we’ve probably stopping hoping, wishing and dreaming. We’re always on a path and so long as you’re moving in the right direction for you, and you definitely are, then you are a success. Keep putting one foot in front of the other.

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