29. May 2014 by swissfitchick
I appologize right now – this is going to be a little rant. This post was on my mind since about 2 weeks now and I have to write it down today.
It’s been quite a while since a situation like this occured. ‘What Lucie, why do you only take a bite? Eat it all, come on. I eat it all. I don’t care about calories.’
I am SO irritated by comments like this. If someone would follow me through my days, they would realize just how much I eat. I probably eat a lot more than many around me – and it works for me. But honestly? I don’t even feel the need to explain my eating habits AT ALL. Just because I was suffering from an ED for 18 years doesn’t mean I am still at the same point I was back then – and it doesn’t mean I need to PROVE everyday that I can eat unhealthy food without feeling guilty. I don’t need to prove anything to anyone. I know that it wasn’t always easy to be around me when food was involved and I know I have been seriously sick for years. I know that my eating habits were strongly disordered and that I treated my body like shit. I know I did dangerous and stupid things and I know that I was obsessed with food and exercising and weight and body image. And I KNOW that I am still IN recovery and not RECOVERED YET – I am aware of it all. Believe me something though – when I look around, I realize that I am actually a lot more relaxed about food and body image than many others that were NOT diagnosed with an Eating Disorder. Through all these years of therapy, hard work, reflection and my daily commitment to get healthy, I came to a place where I am happy and healthy – with a good side of my past, meaning disordered thoughts – on which I am still working on. But I do feel that there are so many who judge or watch me because I am vulnerable – vulnerable, cause I tell the whole wide world about my problem. That’s ok for me, it is my decision to write everything down and let the world know. But I am not ok if people draw conclusions before actually getting to know me and my present. As said – I feel like there are enough people who are struggling with food and guilt, yet still feel the need to tell ME I should relax. I am sorry, but I really don’t need to hear this anymore. I educate myself about my disorder, about nutrition, health, fitness, crossfit – daily. I know myself very well and I am working on my recovery and on my body daily as well. I am FAR from being perfect and I never want to be. I am far from being an expert but I DO work with experts in order to learn. I know I don’t do everything right, but it is what works for me right now.
In my opinion, there is a difference between avoiding certain foods because of guilt, or because of a goal.
Guilt vs. Goal.
If I overindulge many days in a row, I start to feel guilty, slowly. But I never feel guitly if I indulge at one meal or even 1-2 whole days. Heck, I was off the wagon for almost a week back in February and I felt awesome cause I was happy. BUT – here’s my goal now: First of all, I want to be healthy. And I want to define my muscles, I want to see the work I put into my body, I want to look athletic and I want to feel confident and proud when I look in the mirror. That’s my goal and if I want to reach this, I can not eat chocolate 3 times a day. It’s a fact and it’s a decision. I make this decision and I go for it. I enjoy the process and I still eat a LOT of wholesome, fresh and nutritious food. I love to cook and I love to work hard in the Crossfit Box or at the gym – it’s my passion.
Is this disordered? I don’t know. WHAT exactly is disordered and what not is a subject for an other LONG post. I can only say that what I do makes me feel good. I love where I go and I love to watch the progress I make. I love to experiment with food and workouts and the response of my body – it is the best education I can get. I don’t want to be skinny and I don’t care what my weight is. The only thing I care for is that I can do what I love and that I feel good doing so. And BECAUSE of that I don’t care who likes or approves my lifestyle or not. As long as I don’t hurt anyone, I can do what I want. Right? Right.
It irritates me that people make judgements based on what they know from my past. It makes me sad that I am not looked at the person I am today with all my progress, knowledge and recovery but as the disordered girl who is obsessed with calories, who only wants to eat salads and light yogurts and who is only happy with a skinny body. My friends who were with me all these years know that I eat chocolate guilt-free, that I can party like a mad woman, that I am an uncomplicated and spontaneous gal to spend a weekend or a vacation with. Even if I am on a stricter plan like now, I never turn down social events or the chance to spend time with people – I have my tricks to stay on track and still have a perfect time – and no one will notice. Unless they watch me like a hawk and judge me for drinking less alcohol or saying no to dessert.
It is MY decision what I eat and what I don’t. I am in the middle of a break-up, a move, I meet new people, I take care of my friends, family, my blog, I have a job – and with all these happenings and responsibilities I still eat 3-5 proper, nutrient-dense and structured meals and don’t behave disordered. My thoughts may be disordered here and there and they may remain like this forever – or maybe not, who knows. The point is, that I know what I do and I like it. I know it works for me and my body responds very positively. It may not work for someone else but it does for me.
We all know that we are different, EACH ONE OF US has different goals, and needs a different diet or workout routine to reach them. Some may not even have a fitness goal, they have goals in the area of family, job – etc. Fact is, we do what’s best for us and what makes us happy. And no one – NO ONE has the right to deliver a judgement about something they don’t know the story behind.