15. May 2014 by swissfitchick
This is nothing but Thinking Out Loud.
2014. The new year begun, and I was very pleased since I had a wonderful December full of Christmas Spirit and loads of fun parties. No anxieties and no binges, just festive atmosphere, friends and a nice, mild winter.
In February, I injured my back and had to take a week off. It was a good lesson and even though I had a lot of pain, it had a positive effect on my mind AND my body. I rested, I calmed down, I recovered and I understood how wonderful and important rest is.
And the happiness went on with carneval and ski-weekend and the proof, that I can dominate my Eating Disorder. I felt great – but I felt that something wasn’t quite the way it should be and it made me sad. It was my relationship, and it ended in March.
Then I had an attack of dizziness which had to be tested in the hospital – which turned out to be nothing, but it also turned out that during the tests, they had the suspicion of multiple sclerosis. NO, it’s ALL GOOD. I am healthy. Cheers to life!! After that, I was riding an emotional rollercoaster. Saying that, I must say that thanks to my daily meditation practise I am so very much AWARE of my feelings – I can experience them in their very RAW nature without burying them in binges, other disordered eating habits, overexercising, or partying until I was a picture of misery (I used to do this in the past when I felt bad about something).
I exeprience the sadness. The laughter. The fear. The longing and nostalgia. The euphoria. The gratefulness. The love. The despair. The pain of a broken heart. Raw, so raw, because I want to FEEL what life throws at me. I know I am ready to face everything and to look at it and to watch myself handling it.
At the moment, the pain of my broken heart hurts more than ever before. There were these few weeks of doing pretty well and explaining to myself rationally every day why these things happened. At the moment I am here, layaway through my days and even if it is cruel, I let the feelings come. I am vulnerable because I don’t try to distract myself and I don’t surpress my feelings. When no one is looking, I cry a little at the office (and curse cause of the messed up make up) and I cry almost everytime on my bike – thank God for sunglasses. Crying is good. And my shades are stylish. Just sayin’.
I still laugh daily. I love to crack jokes, I love being silly – no sad event will ever take my humour off from me. I live from it.I am not begging for compassion here. What I want to bring across is, that life is like that. There are good times and bad times. Happy times and shitty times. Weal and Woe. It’s up to us how to handle them. I have a wonderful job, I am healthy and I will move into my dream-appartment soon. I experienced the most touching and wonderful support from my friends, my brother and my sister in law, my Mom, my co-workers, my blends and from all of you my readers. This is happiness and something that is true value in my life. I feel that life is testing me and I take it. I got to know myself so well in the past 2 years – even in exceptional circumstances like this, I know what I need. If I need to go out, or if I need a lonely run. If I want to go for a walk and embrace nature or if I want to curl up at home with my Bestie or Brother and a movie. I know if I need a kickass Crossfit Class or a meditation. I know if I need someone to pick me up and make me laugh or if I want to be on my own and write this post. I know I am strong enough to pull through this time and you bet I will keep my smile on. Will you join me?