31. March 2014 by swissfitchick
I’m back. I am still riding an emotional rollercoaster, but I’m ok! It gets better. And this is also because of YOU – I still receive so many beautiful messages and I am just AMAZED by all this support. You guys rock. I probably still resemble a lot one of my favorite actresses Diane Keaton in this movie:
Sorry, but I really think this is so hilarious. I mean – you just have to take things in life with good spirits. No matter. And hey – things are pretty marvelous too. Thank you Mrs. Healthy Diva!!
SO – let’s talk a little about last week and the weekend. After some days of eating 2 times a day a chocolate bar and glasses of red wine at night, I forced myself to go back to normal eating. I know that I need to have a healthy body which can carry my soul. And I did so. I went with girlfriends on lunchdates….
I also kicked my ass at Crossfit and at the gym. Seriously, it works wonders. Writing is still one of my best outlets (like here on the blog), but pushing myself to the limits in my training is such a great therapy. And even better with a little twerk – it’s been waayyyy too long since we twerked, guys. Can we please start the party again???
On Friday evening, I arrived at my brothers and my sister in law’s place in Flims, the Swiss Alps. It was a long day, but I was so excited to see them and I was just beyond grateful to be in their company for the weekend – it was us, my sister in law’s brother, their room mate and several other friends who were around all weekend.
Now, to cut this short – the weather was absolutely amazing, but it was almost over 20 °C, which means, the snow was melting away and snowboarding wasn’t really an option – especially cause it is so expensive to buy a ticket for a day. So, what we did was – partying and sunbathing on the balcony. We had some good food, but not that much – some healthy and some not so healthy, but mostly we just sat in the sun and drank water all day, until we started with drinks late afternoon. And many drinks. Oh yes – I got pretty drunk both nights and danced my bootey off – and it was ok. Sometimes you just have to party away the shit.
I did cry sometimes when I was on my own, and then smiled again. Cause honestly you guys, I’m way too lazy to remake my make up 4 times a day. But I know that I need to feel the pain and let it come in order to heal. It is part of the process, and I can not even tell you how much I hate this pain when it feels like it will tear me apart. But it won’t, cause I am a tough girl. Funny enough, Sandro told me in another email a few days ago:’ you are an impulsive, passionate and strong girl and I always admired that. I think in the end you were too strong for me’. I was amazed, cause I did not realize this. I always thought he is the strong one.
Anyway – I distracted myself a lot this weekend, but I also talked and reflected – and realized, as I mentioned before, that in the end, it was probably not enough to continue what we had. It may sound like an excuse to make me feel better, but believe me – there definitely were things between us that made our relationship difficult – besides my ED. Thinking of all the good memories we share still absolutely kills me and not being able to go back to Zurich, the lake, our appartment – it sucks and hurts so damn bad but I take it and add a little honey.
For me, it is another learning session about myself. Life teaches us so many of them and we should be aware of them, face them and learn from them. For the very first time that I am in an emotional battle, food is not a subject or an issue. I really don’t care that much abou it – I wasn’t able to eat for the first few days, and then I went back to normal eating. On the weekend I changed my plan to ‘relax’ mode and today I go back into a cleaner mode. But I don’t let my feelings out in my eating habits. I don’t binge, I don’t starve. I cry, I workout, I talk, I scream, I laugh, I write and I listen to tons of good songs all day – but I don’t project my emotions onto food. Win.
I feel that I finally found a stable position with both feet on the ground. Yesterday night I came home from this weekend with all these people, talks, sun, fun – ups and downs. I feared that I would completely fall when I come back home to Basel (and not to Zurich) and find myself alone in my little flat. Not the case. I did struggle cause the pictures from the past came back and I let the tears flow, but I didn’t feel lost at all. And I didn’t feel the urge to call someone – I was fine to be by myself. Obviously, somehow I learned in the past few months/years how to catch myself when I fall.
Speaking of: such a random piece of music, but the one I listen on repeat since days.
What do you do to give your emotions an outlet?
Favorite good mood song currently?