23. March 2014 by swissfitchick
This post is the most personal post I have ever written. In this post I will open up my heart to you like I never did before.
You remember the post from last Thursday, and how I wrote that we should embrace life, cause we never know what happens tomorrow?
What I did not know would happen on that very same day, was that Sandro will end our relationship.
There are no words that can describe the pain of a broken heart and I believe that many of you experienced it before and know what I am talking about.
What can I say?
Things weren’t so well in the past couple of weeks. My mood swings associated to my Eating Disorder during all these past 4,5 years weren’t easy to handle ever. I know that. And I know that I did not treat Sandro perfectly right all the time and I know I was a bitch many times and too much. And many times it wasn’t because he made a mistake, but because I was fucked up in my disorder.
The other side was, that Sandro is a ‘too’ good person – maybe a little coward too? I’m not going to speak nasty about any one of the two of us here, but I would like to explain what happened. Anyway – things got more difficult once he started a new school besides his job in October last year. He was under a lot of pressure with school, studying, work – and our relationship. I wasn’t 100% stable at that time and I still am not – so we did have the usual ups and downs, but it resulted in being too much for him. Sandro is a very easy and peace-loving person and whenever he can avoid a discussion, he does so. So even though he realized that things got more and more unsatisfying and he had more trouble to handle my ‘days’, he didn’t say anything. He just tried to do everything right for ME and in that case wasn’t able to be himself anymore.
I did realize this, I figured that he focused too much on me and wanted to help to make things better – but it only made them worse. I felt watched, and I felt that he isn’t his carefree self anymore. Besides that, we started to drift apart. Living in 2 cities and only seeing each other on the weekend wasn’t healthy for us anymore – in this difficult time, we would have needed to be closer and to spend quality time. I built my world in Basel, he built his in Zurich – and when we were together, there was only few things we had to share. Not enough. We spent more time on our own, and we gave each other more freedom than we should have and everything started to feel half-hearted.
We did have a discussion about it in February and we agreed that we need to work on us and that we need to get back that respect from each other, be careful with each other’s feelings and spending more quality time. We tried – the vacation in Spain was really beautiful, and we were on a better track – but obviously it was not enough. Sandro’s love was already gone, my love for him was wounded. I admit, that I wasn’t sure in the last few weeks, if this, what we have, is still enough to be continued.
Sandro then made the final decision to give up. And the moment I lost him, I realized how much it hurts to be without him. How cruel life is without him. But unfortunately, I think that if we tried now it wouldn’t work anymore, cause both of our emotions are injured a lot and there is not enough love around.
But I would have loved to have the chance to make things better and to fight for this love – if I only knew about his thoughts and feelings when there was still love. I had no idea – Sandro ‘tolerated’ and swallowed everything for months and I lived in the illusion, that we will sure have to work on us, but that we are still going in the same direction. This should not be an excuse for my behaviors and the speactacles I made about stupid things. I could have done better, but I did have my reasons why I behaved like that. The point was, that he LET me do it – he never complained. If he only complained. I would have realized what’s actually happening here and I would have been given the chance to make things better. I do accuse him for not talking to me about the truth.
But there is no good thing about the if’s and would’s – I was me, he was him and it did not work out.
My life is a rollercoaster at the moment – I scream and cry in pain, then I am euphoric about a new life, then I am walking around apathetically, then I dive into work and chats, then I am breaking down when having pictures from the past in my mind, then I shake my head in disbelief and then I am ok with everything and I go on with my stuff. I feel sick 90% of the time and in the other 10% I eat yogurt or scrambled eggs, cause this is all I can handle. Waking up in the morning is an absolute nightmare at the moment. I know this is part of this process and I hate it so much. I know time will heal and I hope these wounds will be healed fast, cause they hurt damn bad. But I was given this challenge and I’ll take it. Even though it sucks. There is a reason and there better be a good one too.
Thankfully I have the most amazing people around me here. Thank you to my wonderful and amazing big brother who wanted to pick me up in nowhere in the middle of the night. Thank you Mom for not being upset that it will take even longer until you will be a Granny. Thank you to my girls, Sylvia, Jack and Nausicaa who surrounded me in my first night as a new single by sharing a bed all together in our pj’s. Thank you Jessie, Cécile, Jonas&Fabienne&Elias, Jen, Anne, Markus, Tim, Corinne, Nicole and my boss – for all your support, words of encouragement, Skype calls, beds for me to sleep over, cooked dinners, deep and long talks, prosecco, hugs, good thoughts, love and cigarettes. I feel so unbelievably blessed.
I will take a week off from blogging – I will be back with hopefully better news next Monday. I hope you understand.