It’s a Break Up

35

23. March 2014 by swissfitchick

This post is the most personal post I have ever written. In this post I will open up my heart to you like I never did before.

You remember the post from last Thursday, and how I wrote that we should embrace life, cause we never know what happens tomorrow?

What I did not know would happen on that very same day, was that Sandro will end our relationship.

There are no words that can describe the pain of a broken heart and I believe that many of you experienced it before and know what I am talking about.

What can I say?

Things weren’t so well in the past couple of weeks. My mood swings associated to my Eating Disorder during all these past 4,5 years weren’t easy to handle ever. I know that. And I know that I did not treat Sandro perfectly right all the time and I know I was a bitch many times and too much. And many times it wasn’t because he made a mistake, but because I was fucked up in my disorder.

The other side was, that Sandro is a ‘too’ good person – maybe a little coward too? I’m not going to speak nasty about any one of the two of us here, but I would like to explain what happened. Anyway – things got more difficult once he started a new school besides his job in October last year. He was under a lot of pressure with school, studying, work  – and our relationship. I wasn’t 100% stable at that time and I still am not – so we did have the usual ups and downs, but it resulted in being too much for him. Sandro is a very easy and peace-loving person and whenever he can avoid a discussion, he does so. So even though he realized that things got more and more unsatisfying and he had more trouble to handle my ‘days’, he didn’t say anything. He just tried to do everything right for ME and in that case wasn’t able to be himself anymore.

I did realize this, I figured that he focused too much on me and wanted to help to make things better – but it only made them worse. I felt watched, and I felt that he isn’t his carefree self anymore. Besides that, we started to drift apart. Living in 2 cities and only seeing each other on the weekend wasn’t healthy for us anymore – in this difficult time, we would have needed to be closer and to spend quality time. I built my world in Basel, he built his in Zurich – and when we were together, there was only few things we had to share. Not enough. We spent more time on our own, and we gave each other more freedom than we should have and everything started to feel half-hearted.

We did have a discussion about it in February and we agreed that we need to work on us and that we need to get back that respect from each other, be careful with each other’s feelings and spending more quality time. We tried – the vacation in Spain was really beautiful, and we were on a better track – but obviously it was not enough. Sandro’s love was already gone, my love for him was wounded. I admit, that I wasn’t sure in the last few weeks, if this, what we have, is still enough to be continued.

Sandro then made the final decision to give up. And the moment I lost him, I realized how much it hurts to be without him. How cruel life is without him. But unfortunately, I think that if we tried now it wouldn’t work anymore, cause both of our emotions are injured a lot and there is not enough love around.

But I would have loved to have the chance to make things better and to fight for this love – if I only knew about his thoughts and feelings when there was still love. I had no idea – Sandro ‘tolerated’ and swallowed everything for months and I lived in the illusion, that we will sure have to work on us, but that we are still going in the same direction. This should not be an excuse for my behaviors and the speactacles I made about stupid things. I could have done better, but I did have my reasons why I behaved like that. The point was, that he LET me do it – he never complained. If he only complained. I would have realized what’s actually happening here and I would have been given the chance to make things better. I do accuse him for not talking to me about the truth.

But there is no good thing about the if’s and would’s – I was me, he was him and it did not work out.

My life is a rollercoaster at the moment – I scream and cry in pain, then I am euphoric about a new life, then I am walking around apathetically, then I dive into work and chats, then I am breaking down when having pictures from the past in my mind, then I shake my head in disbelief and then I am ok with everything and I go on with my stuff. I feel sick 90% of the time and in the other 10% I eat yogurt or scrambled eggs, cause this is all I can handle. Waking up in the morning is an absolute nightmare at the moment. I know this is part of this process and I hate it so much. I know time will heal and I hope these wounds will be healed fast, cause they hurt damn bad. But I was given this challenge and I’ll take it. Even though it sucks. There is a reason and there better be a good one too.

Thankfully I have the most amazing people around me here. Thank you to my wonderful and amazing big brother who wanted to pick me up in nowhere in the middle of the night. Thank you Mom for not being upset that it will take even longer until you will be a Granny. Thank you to my girls, Sylvia, Jack and Nausicaa who surrounded me in my first night as a new single by sharing a bed all together in our pj’s. Thank you Jessie, Cécile, Jonas&Fabienne&Elias, Jen, Anne, Markus, Tim, Corinne, Nicole and my boss – for all your support, words of encouragement, Skype calls, beds for me to sleep over, cooked dinners, deep and long talks, prosecco, hugs, good thoughts, love and cigarettes. I feel so unbelievably blessed.

I will take a week off from blogging – I will be back with hopefully better news next Monday. I hope you understand.

Yours,

Lucie

35 thoughts on “It’s a Break Up

  1. Oh my… I’m shocked! I realize that hardly anybody really writes about everything on their blog, but I really, really thought your relationship was pretty close to perfect.

    I have been in quite a similar situation one (except for the ED) and I know how hard it is. I had to start from the bottom again because back then I didn’t have anything except my car and – thankfully – a job. The situation almost pushed me into an ED because I just couldn’t eat anymore. I was lucky and could stop it before it got worse, so please, do not let this break-up get the best of you. As hard as it is to see now, everything will work out eventually.

    If you feel the need to talk to someone outside your inner circle shoot me an email.

    You’re strong, Lucie – you will get over this!

  2. mitchell-james says:

    Lucie I am so sorry, truly.

    In the novel ‘Eat Pray Love’, Elizabeth Gilbert describes pain and sorrow almost like a place, a deep, dark wilderness that you can pinpoint, almost like on a map. She writes that is why we use the expression “Oh, I’ve been there” whenever a person sympathizes with another person’s pain. We have been in that situation too, and remember how hard it is.

    So when I say I’ve been there too, I know how hard it is what you’re feeling. But I know you can get through this. Stay strong.
    xx

  3. Lucie- there is so much I want to say, but I’ll send you an email.

    Thinking of you at this incredibly difficult time.

  4. Favo says:

    Hello Lucie,

    sorry to barge in here like this, but I’ve actually been reading your blog silently for quite some time now.
    You’re a source of inspiration in the way you handle your struggles and in your dedication to a healthy life style.
    I’m sorry to read about your loss. I can hardly imagine what that must feel like and I’m trying not to because I think it would only make me cry.
    I wish you strength for the time to come. You already proved how strong you are, so I don’t doubt that you’ll come out on top!
    All the best, Favo

  5. Lucie I am so sorry to hear this – this was a very difficult post to read… I can only imagine how difficult it was to write. I ended my long-term, long-distance relationship this summer and I had many of the same feelings. It sucks. But over time, you will be stronger because of it. I truly believe everything happens for a reason, sometimes we just have to wait to see the reason. Thinking of you and send you lots of love.

  6. I’m so sorry to hear about this Lucie – breakups are never easy, but it’s even more painful when it’s someone you’ve been with for so long. As much as I hate cliches, the saying that everything happens for a reason is true – you will come out of this a stronger person. I’m always here if you need to vent❤

  7. Oh love… I’m so sorry😦 I just want to give you the biggest hug right now, and I hope you know that I’m here if you ever need to chat. I’ve lost relationships and friendships to my eating disorder as well, which is just more motivation to kick it to the curb for good, right?

    Sending you tonnes of love… I’ll write you soon❤

  8. cottercrunch says:

    oh friend, i’m so sorry. You are going through the emotions, you are right. and they are HARD. But we are here for you and will help you get through this. Continue to share and cry and let it all out. But know that God has a hand in all this. There is a reason for it, and you will be stronger in the end. Mend that heart slowly but surely. I’m here if you need me, always!

  9. Wow Lucy, so much respect for you in the courage it must have taken to right this post. It is always said that we are made stronger by our experience and this is something that I fully believe, even if it never feels like it at the time you are going through them. You will get there, baby steps. Thinking of you xxx

  10. Aww Lucie! I am sending you so much love and hugs! You are so brave to write this post and share it with all of us! I am thinking of you and if I can help in any way shape or form just let me know🙂 xo

  11. I am so sorry to hear this. It took so much courage for you to write this post and I admire your honesty and strength. XOXO

  12. Vanessa says:

    I am so sorry, Lucie. I know you are an incredibly strong person and will get through this, even though it may take a while. I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Much love to you.

  13. Jan says:

    Lucie, I pray that you are able to get peace and that your sadness will drift away. It sounds like you have a terrific family supporting you through this challenging time…

  14. Lisa says:

    I’m so sorry to hear this news Lucie, it seems like you have a good head on your shoulders and you’ll come out of this with time<3

  15. Victoria says:

    Oh, Lucie, I’m so sorry to hear you are hurting so badly. Take care, and I hope you heal soon.

  16. mytwentysomethingstory says:

    I am so so sorry to hear. You just seemed like such a wonderful couple. Take care of yourself. And thank you for sharing such a heartbreakingly honest post.
    Sending you love and hope xx

  17. Nicole says:

    Be good to yourself during the next few weeks. Breakups are never easy to handle – take all the time you need to get your “footing”. Sending you virtual hugs.

  18. I am so sorry Lucie, I am sending you my love from afar. I think you have been able to take a good perspective, and I’m glad to hear to have the love and support of friends.❤

  19. Renatus der Traber says:

    Take these words from Sarah:

    You’re strong, Lucie – you will get over this!

    Take care and good luck

    Renatus
    The king of trabulonia

  20. You know i’m here – always. Other than that, just know I love you girl. Like I said on the phone, it’s still fresh & just like anything else that’s “fresh” in life, it gets easier❤ I wish i could give you the biggest hug right now. My heart aches for both you & Sandro, as I know it's not easy for either one of you.

  21. Oh honey! I’ve been there…I know EXACTLY what you are feeling right now. I’ve been through my fair share of heartache…and still carry around some of the deepest scars. The important thing to do right now is to focus on YOU! Take care of yourself…do things that you know make you happy. And if they don’t make you feel happy right away? Just keep on doing them until they do! Be sure to surround yourself with people who love you. Our natural instinct in these dark emotional times is to pull away, but that’s the exact opposite of what we need. Also, I’m just an email away if you need to talk! Love you! xoxo

  22. I’m so, so sorry to read your news Lucie, and I admire you so much for sharing such an honest post while you’re feeling so raw. Breakups are so tough – and nothing I or anyone else can say will make it hurt less, but in time you know that you’ll learn to live with it easier. In the meantime, take good care of yourself; it sounds as though you have lots of lovely people around you to help you do that too. Take care xx

  23. I am so, so sorry you are dealing with this… break ups are so tough, especially when you have such big lessons to learn from them. No one person is ever completely at fault, and it sounds like you get that. But know that you are an incredible person and you will find the one you’re meant to be with. Someone who fits and who deserves all of your love. xoxo

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  25. You are such a strong, beautiful woman❤. Sending SO much love and strength to you during this hard time. xo

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