27. February 2014 by swissfitchick
First of all – thank you SO much for all your support and well wishes on yesterday’s post! You all rock, I love you!! I have the ultrasound this morning and will have to do another extended test next week – I will keep you posted!
I’m linking up with Amanda’s Thinking out Loud Campaign today in honor of the NEDA this week. Eating Disorders are still a tabu subject around here and in my opinion, we can not spread the awareness strongly enough.
I would like to address 3 signs of an eating disorder from the list of 10 that Amanda posted beginnig of this week. I had no idea….oh, HOW I FEEL this sentence. I was living in my calorie counting ‘healthy living’, obsessive bubble for years without even being CLOSE to realize that I had a problem.
1. Drastic Weight Loss
I remember very well how this started. I didn’t even consider myself as fat (I wasn’t) or chubby or anything – I was always perfectly happy with my body during my early teenage years. I was a very tall and slender kid/girl and a curvy teenager. My boyfriend back then studied medicine and learned about healthy/unhealthy diets and how they can affect our bodies. So he started to talk about this to me and we started to watch what we eat. Quite harmless. Very quickly, my weight dropped about 3-4 kilos and I got great feedback. I was surprised, cause it really wasn’t my intention to lose weight, heck, I didn’t even know what that meant or why I would think about my weight.
All that feedback callled my attention on that weight loss and I started to watch my diet stricter – and the kilos dropped. It was such a ‘great’ feeling of being in control and feeling lighter. Soon after this harmless start of eating healthier foods it turned into an obession and the Anorexia soaked me in.
I lost all in all about 15kg (33 lbs) within half a year. Scary, especially considering that I wasn’t overweight at all. Lucky me – once my doctor had a very intense talk with me, I gained half of the weight back pretty quickly, which probably kept me from having long lasting health issues (I hope).
I know that being aware of weight loss is so important and of course, my surroundment noticed and told me. Unfortunately I wasn’t open for any of their feedbacks. Actually, I was proud when someone said: ‘Gosh girl, you look way too skinny!’ – I felt over the edge. Dangerous.
2. Food Rituals
I think my Mom went crazy when she had to sit next to me on the dinner table when I started my love-ritual with my light yogurt and the 3 pieces of cereals I put into it. Seriously, this was like a holy event, me eating my ‘dinner’. Cause it was so little what I ate, I had to make it big. In between tiny bites I used to gulp down tons of bubbled water to make me feel full. Watching me today would feel so ridiculous. I would want to take all the food on the table and rub it in my face, sorry.
Or talk about lunch – someone DARED to serve food on my plate. I had to do it myself and only myself. I literally freaked out if someone took my plate to fill it up with food, I panicked! I knew exactly how much (little) of everything needed to be on my plate to keep it in my foodframe. Someone dared to spoil this and my day was effed up.
This one is one that I only recovered from a few months back. It took me a permanent treatment in a clinic, several relapses, lies (I lied to many people that I’m not taking pills anymore) and a lot of patience. But it’s one that I profit the most health-wise, cause I feel so so much better without them. I also LOOK so much better without them. I literally ‘rejuvenated’ my appearance by a couple of years when my body recovered from all the substances. You can read about the whole story here.
I can’t recommend enough that IF you are abusing any of this sh***t, stop it TODAY. It’s no no no good for you and your body – it’s dangerous, nonsense and it will never ever make you a happier person.
I’m still in recovery, and maybe I will be for many more years, maybe forever. Being AWARE is one of the most important things in this journey. It is a start. Being aware myself and making the world aware about Eating Disorders – how dangerous, sad, and difficult to get out of they are. Please spread the word, take care of your body and your health and don’t look away if you ever see someone struggle.