Looking sick vs. looking healthy

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30. January 2014 by swissfitchick

Before I start, I would like to leave an important note here. I will talk about skinniness and sickness – which I don’t connect as a matter of course. I’m talking about MY skinny body that WAS sick. I know there are a lot of people out there who are naturally slim and are NOT sick. I am not saying that everyone who is skinny equals sick – but I was.

I remember about 2 years ago at the very beginning of my recovery, my therapist asked me, how I would want to look like, physically. I should describe myself the way I want to look like and why. Now that is easy, I thought  – I want to be as skinny as possible.

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‘What if someones tells you, you look healthy?’ she asked. ‘Oh no. Healthy means fat.’ I answered.

‘So you want to look sick?’ she asked. Pause. More pause. ‘Yes.’. I answered.

So, this may sound shocking and not understandable for some of you, bu that was how my mind worked. I wanted to look light. Sick. As slim as possible. SMALL. I wanted my jeans to be lose and starve away my booobs as much as possible.

Lucie_ThinDuring my teenage years, we did have some rough times in my family (my Dad was diagnosed with cancer when I was 12 was one of it) and all I wanted was to make as little worries for my Mom, Dad and brother as possible. I felt like I would take up too much space in these difficult times. Like I should be so small and unconsiderable, so I wouldn’t be an additional burden for anyone in my family. The less of me, the better.

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It was one of the toughest tasks in my recovery to OWN my size. That I am a human being who takes up space. Who DESERVES space, physical space. That it is ok and pretty to carry around meat and some fat over my bones, to have boobs and a booty. That it isn’t the world’s end when my face is a little puffy and that it is actually beautiful to look strong. SO HARD. It took me YEARS and is still one of my biggest struggles to appreciate my size. To BEAR my body exactly the way it is. I’m not over this yet.

Don’t get me wrong – I NEVER EVER got told I would be a burden or that I am in the way. I was a loved child – but all these troubles these years were too much for us. I wasn’t the only one struggling, all of my family did. My father survived the first diagnose, but he died 10 years later from a different form of cancer.

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It’s a different story today. I hardly ever step on the scale. I know that I gained about 6 kilos from my former ‘skinny’ weight – kilos of fat and muscles. A lot of muscles. I dare to say that I am strong. I do Crossfit and I lift heavy weights. I feel powerful, invincible, and especially mentally strong. I wear bigger clothes, but sexy ones. I have a BUTT. I DO look leaner than ever before and smaller than in my bulimic times when everything was fat and water, but I take up more space definitely. And if someone lifts me up, well then this person doesn’t say – ‘oh your’e so light!’ – this person needs to make a lifting effort. Lol.

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For me being skinny means I have to live restrictive. I am naturally slender, but it’s not that I can eat everything in sight and don’t put on weight. If I want to stay in shape, I have to watch what I eat. And that, I do. Cause I want to be in shape, I want to be lean and fit. Maybe that is still a little obsessive, but it is definitely much more enjoyable than living restrictive – cause it lets me following my passions – cooking, eating and exercising. Experimenting with foods, workouts, making progress and learning all about the fit lifestyle. And yes, I would probably freak out again, if I would put on another 7 or 10 kilos. I wouldn”t be ok with that. I still have a certain way I want to look like.

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(Picture: The scond point is crab. Don’t exercise daily. At least not at the gym. Have sex, or go for a walk, but don’t do a gym workout daily, that’s boring. Ok? )

BUT – I LOVE to eat and I love to enjoy all the foods. I enjoy my mealplan a lot, ESPECIALLY because there’s space for chocolate and prosecco. It must be, cause life is too short not to. Believe me.

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And regarding the remarks of other people – I love when someone says that I look strong. And healthy. Lately, a young girl from Crossfit said to me:’ You have such a hot body. You look so fit and strong.’

I would have freaked out in my anorexic years. I would have thought she meant fat. Big. Bulky. SEXY. I didn’t want to look sexy. I understood sexy as way too curvy (for my opinion back then), vulgar, big, massive. With big boobs. Big boobs were a no-go.

I was so very much thankful, pleased and happy about this compliment from such a young and beautiful lady! I never want to look sick again. MY body is not healthy when it’s skinny.

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So, ladies and gentlemen – EMBRACE your beauty. Whatever size it is. If you want to feel great about yourself, then take care of your body, live healthy and stay fit. Stop caring about a size or a number on the scale, but TRAIN YOUR MINDSET. Cause that’s where it starts. Practise self-love, gratitude and mental force to battle the stupid little voice that’s telling you stupid things.

xxx

Lucie

29 thoughts on “Looking sick vs. looking healthy

  1. You DO have a hot body, Lucie! And I’m so glad that you’re able to realize that, now!

  2. Lucie you do look amazing!!! This is going to sound creepy but I love your body. It’s funny, I was/am nervous about my body changing since starting Crossfit. I am so glad you said this: “I still have a certain way I want to look like.” I think this is such a sticky topic in the HLB community but it is so true… our appearance matters to us and you have come so far to recognizing how to be healthy, look strong and SEXY. I have been grappling with my words on a post talking about just this. Thanks for the motivation🙂 xx

    • Aw, that’s great that it inspired you to write – I can not wait to read yours!! Go for it!
      It is the truth, that we care about our appearance, of course we do. And it’s totally ok, as long as it does not hurt us!
      And thank you. So much!

  3. This is definitely an interesting topic – I know I felt the same way back in the day when I heard the word ‘healthy’ – I didn’t want to look healthy, I just wanted to look skinny. I’m glad that your mindset’s changed and you were able to take that girl’s comment for what it is – someone noticing how damn gorgeous you look😉

  4. That whole transaction with your therapist really speaks to me. So glad you’re in a better place now!

  5. Hugs! This brings back so many memories of my formal self. Now I look back at pictures and cringe. You do look awesome (not in a creeper way haha)

  6. I love your honesty and your frame of mind now- You never were nor will you ever be a waste of space. Thanks for being honest about saying how you wouldn’t be okay with putting on the extra 7-10kg for example- that is so true and many in the HLB world consider it taboo. At the end of the day, MANY would fall into that boat too- just never admitting it!

    I think papa fitswisschick would be VERY proud of who he’d see today.🙂

    • Thank you my friend – I believe that all of us work for a certain appearance and I think it is totally ok. Who doesn’t want to look good? As long as we don’t forget about the real values and don’t hurt ourselves, I think it’s totally fine.

  7. I have one hot tiwn!🙂 Ha Ha – aleady wrote you on viber how I really feel about this post❤

  8. I love this post, and think it’s equally applicable to people who’ve had an ED and been at the too skinny end of the spectrum as to people who’ve been too overweight at the other end of the spectrum. I’m totally at the second end, and although I’m working hard on being slimmer, I don’t want that to be at the expense of my health, fitness or mental attitude, so this is something I’m working on a lot. I want a good relationship with my body, I want to be slimmer, but I want to be STRONG, and FIT too – thank you for these insights Lucie, I learn so much from reading your blog🙂

    (and you totally look HOT – strong and fit – and those abs are rocking!)

    • And I LOVE your comment Poppy! You’re so right – this speaks to both sides!! The mental work needs to be done on either side.
      I am glad you already now have such a healthy attitude and don’t forget that health also means to ENJOY LIFE.
      Thank you!!

  9. Enora says:

    Hi Lucie! Great post. Thanks for your honesty!
    Its true that its more important to look healthy and fit rather than skinny!
    And look at you: lean, slim but also fit and healthy! Bravo!

  10. Julie says:

    I was always overweight/obese so when I started losing weight, I was so ecstatic. I reached my goal weight and didn’t know how to stop. I just kept doing the same thing and never made a new goal of what I wanted to be… I thought smaller was better. I lost 20 pounds more than my goal weight eventually and looked so emaciated. I had no idea until I look at my mom at the same weight when she got pneumonia.

    • ‘I thought smaller was better’ – I totally feel you on this, Julie. When I first started with losing weight, I didn’t even do it on purpose! It just happened, and when I started to notice, I got obsessed. It’s scary how quickly this happens!

  11. cottercrunch says:

    you are smokin! and i always think beauty begins in the heart and mind. It shows on the outside with how you treat yourself. Yes? Strong. Loving life. Stressing less. Being real. Like you are now!

  12. april says:

    you DO look beautiful and fit (and most importantly, you look happy!). i’ve struggled with disordered eating, as well, so i understand what you mean about looking sick versus looking healthy. i’m in the process of my own recovery so that i will no longer look “sick.” i used to think looking thin was the most important thing, but now i realize that i’d rather look fit and healthy, just like you.

  13. You have come so far, it is amazing to read about your mindset shift. I am so glad you have found such a happy and healthy place. I welcome any extra strength I can get, and although I don’t own a scale, any weight gain that comes along with that really just doesn’t even cross my mind.

  14. carlyjg says:

    Thanks for your openness and honesty, love❤. You're absolutely incredible.

  15. Natasha says:

    I LOVE this post, and I must say that your body looks absolutely amazing!!!

    And I also know exactly what you are saying about hating ppl telling me I looked healthy. When I was starting to put on weight, my mom would tell me that I was starting to look more healthy, and it drove me NUTS! I wanted to continue to look as skinny as was humanly possible (and still be able to [somewhat] exist). Anyhow, I’ve moved past that point. While I enjoy food and exercise, I value being happy and actually healthy more. So now I just don’t stress about either food or exercise, and my life has fallen into place more!

    but again, your bod does look fantastic…you can tell you work hard for it, and that is super impressive🙂

    Have a great day!

    xoxo

    • Thank you so so much Natasha for this sweet comment!! I appreciate it so much and I am so glad you can relate! Embrace your healthy body, it’s the best!!! And I’m so happy you are now in a better place regarding Food and exercise!
      Thank you!

  16. […] Looking sick vs. looking healthy – how I embraced weight gain […]

  17. Emily Hawkes says:

    I started avoiding one of my friends after she told me I was looking ‘healthy’. That’s terrible isn’t it?!?! One word could have ruined a friendship. And daft that it’s a word that most people would take to be a positive thing.
    You look fantastic – how many people can pull off the bikini look and post it on the internet! And the colour is gorgeous on you! xx

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