30. January 2014 by swissfitchick
Before I start, I would like to leave an important note here. I will talk about skinniness and sickness – which I don’t connect as a matter of course. I’m talking about MY skinny body that WAS sick. I know there are a lot of people out there who are naturally slim and are NOT sick. I am not saying that everyone who is skinny equals sick – but I was.
I remember about 2 years ago at the very beginning of my recovery, my therapist asked me, how I would want to look like, physically. I should describe myself the way I want to look like and why. Now that is easy, I thought – I want to be as skinny as possible.
‘What if someones tells you, you look healthy?’ she asked. ‘Oh no. Healthy means fat.’ I answered.
‘So you want to look sick?’ she asked. Pause. More pause. ‘Yes.’. I answered.
So, this may sound shocking and not understandable for some of you, bu that was how my mind worked. I wanted to look light. Sick. As slim as possible. SMALL. I wanted my jeans to be lose and starve away my booobs as much as possible.
During my teenage years, we did have some rough times in my family (my Dad was diagnosed with cancer when I was 12 was one of it) and all I wanted was to make as little worries for my Mom, Dad and brother as possible. I felt like I would take up too much space in these difficult times. Like I should be so small and unconsiderable, so I wouldn’t be an additional burden for anyone in my family. The less of me, the better.
It was one of the toughest tasks in my recovery to OWN my size. That I am a human being who takes up space. Who DESERVES space, physical space. That it is ok and pretty to carry around meat and some fat over my bones, to have boobs and a booty. That it isn’t the world’s end when my face is a little puffy and that it is actually beautiful to look strong. SO HARD. It took me YEARS and is still one of my biggest struggles to appreciate my size. To BEAR my body exactly the way it is. I’m not over this yet.
Don’t get me wrong – I NEVER EVER got told I would be a burden or that I am in the way. I was a loved child – but all these troubles these years were too much for us. I wasn’t the only one struggling, all of my family did. My father survived the first diagnose, but he died 10 years later from a different form of cancer.
It’s a different story today. I hardly ever step on the scale. I know that I gained about 6 kilos from my former ‘skinny’ weight – kilos of fat and muscles. A lot of muscles. I dare to say that I am strong. I do Crossfit and I lift heavy weights. I feel powerful, invincible, and especially mentally strong. I wear bigger clothes, but sexy ones. I have a BUTT. I DO look leaner than ever before and smaller than in my bulimic times when everything was fat and water, but I take up more space definitely. And if someone lifts me up, well then this person doesn’t say – ‘oh your’e so light!’ – this person needs to make a lifting effort. Lol.
For me being skinny means I have to live restrictive. I am naturally slender, but it’s not that I can eat everything in sight and don’t put on weight. If I want to stay in shape, I have to watch what I eat. And that, I do. Cause I want to be in shape, I want to be lean and fit. Maybe that is still a little obsessive, but it is definitely much more enjoyable than living restrictive – cause it lets me following my passions – cooking, eating and exercising. Experimenting with foods, workouts, making progress and learning all about the fit lifestyle. And yes, I would probably freak out again, if I would put on another 7 or 10 kilos. I wouldn”t be ok with that. I still have a certain way I want to look like.
(Picture: The scond point is crab. Don’t exercise daily. At least not at the gym. Have sex, or go for a walk, but don’t do a gym workout daily, that’s boring. Ok? )
BUT – I LOVE to eat and I love to enjoy all the foods. I enjoy my mealplan a lot, ESPECIALLY because there’s space for chocolate and prosecco. It must be, cause life is too short not to. Believe me.
And regarding the remarks of other people – I love when someone says that I look strong. And healthy. Lately, a young girl from Crossfit said to me:’ You have such a hot body. You look so fit and strong.’
I would have freaked out in my anorexic years. I would have thought she meant fat. Big. Bulky. SEXY. I didn’t want to look sexy. I understood sexy as way too curvy (for my opinion back then), vulgar, big, massive. With big boobs. Big boobs were a no-go.
I was so very much thankful, pleased and happy about this compliment from such a young and beautiful lady! I never want to look sick again. MY body is not healthy when it’s skinny.
So, ladies and gentlemen – EMBRACE your beauty. Whatever size it is. If you want to feel great about yourself, then take care of your body, live healthy and stay fit. Stop caring about a size or a number on the scale, but TRAIN YOUR MINDSET. Cause that’s where it starts. Practise self-love, gratitude and mental force to battle the stupid little voice that’s telling you stupid things.