19. December 2013 by swissfitchick
So since I updated you last week about my workout routine, I wanted to give you also an update on my eating habits and where I stand in my recovery in terms of food. Also in this post I posted a progress pic of myself and if you feel triggered by pics like this, I recommend to close my blog for today.
I don’t know if I will ever fully recover from my Eating Disorder and food is still a very difficult subject for me. But listen up, things changed for the better.
I’m sticking to a pretty strict meal plan. I get very creative with the foods on my plan, but I am not an intuitive eater. Maybe I am one day – but having a mealplan is keeping me sane currently. I am suffering from the eating disorder since almost 20 years now (including ‘off’ seasons) and I can’t remember how it feels to eat intuitively. No idea. I will try one day, but I’m not there yet. I tried it once and it was a disaster. I was thinking about what I could/should/want to eat ALL DAY and it completely freaked me out. So a solid and specific mealplan it is. It gives me an idea on what is ‘normal’ and it keeps me from thinking about food all the time. What I do on Monday is, I print my plan I get from my coach, I check it, go grocery shopping, prep for the week and done. No more doubts, thoughts, analysis, obsessions – this is what I eat. Full stop.
No worries. I have freedom to decide if I want to include other foods or recipes. It’s flexible, but of course it is adjusted to my goals. My goal is to eat healthy, regularly, enough, and food to stay fit and lean. I might be more relaxed about my weight, but I still want to look a certain way and I work for it. So there is a list of foods I need to eat more and some I need to eat less. but there’s always space for a little chocolate🙂
I’m also having my treats here and there – this way I am not craving this stuff like crazy, because I ALLOW myself to have sweets or a slice of pizza if I really want to. KEY is CONSISTENCY. Even if I fall off the wagon for a day or even a few days, I keep on going, working and never give up. THÌS is what gave me results.
So roughly said, my plan is like this:
Morning: Carbs, Proteins
Mid morning: Protein, Fruit
Lunch: Veggies, Protein, Carbs
Mid afternoon: Protein, maybe some fats
Dinner: Veggies, Proteins, Fats (&chocolate🙂 )
What about bingeing/starving?? I don’t starve anymore. AT ALL. I sometimes skip my snacks cause I’m not hungry, but I try not to skip meals because of ‘compensation’, and even after a binge I go right back on track with my plan – NO MATTER how much I binged on. I DON’T starve anymore.
I do binge occasionaly. Though when I look at the last six months, I binged maybe 4 times – in 6 months. For me, that’s HUGE. Cause it’s NOTHING compared to how many times I binged in the past. If I binge, I manage to keep it very small – I’m not wolfing down huge amounts of food anymore, it’s more like a ‘junk-attack’, a SLIP – which is different from a binge, at least for me. Emotionally and physically, it’s still rough. Because I eat very clean 80-90% of the time, my body reacts on a good amount of junk food with bloating, cramps, bad sleep and fatigue. Emotionally, I still feel like crab after a slip. I am not beating myself up like I did before and I am not drowning in self-pity or turn into a hopeless, desperate wreck, no. But I feel the FAIL and I get angry about myself. Positive thing about it is, that it lasts for a few hours and then it’s gone. I figure out why it happened, and I forgive myself and start taking care of myself again. Positivity comes back much faster and lifts me up, back to real life, where I am not a failure and where food is good. No purging, no pills, no starving, no overexercising.
But as said – it is still not so easy. Food is my drug. I need to cope with it as a normal thing in my daily life and handle it like drinking water. I can not just stop eating, I can not eliminate food of my life and I don’t want to. But handling a matter that had full power over me for almost 20 years, is a long work in progress.
Food gives me comfort and pleasure, power and health, but it also gives me anxieties, panic, stress and frustration. If I am stressed out, sad, angry, frustrated or anxious I want to eat or I want to smoke. Both not very ideal to eliminate stress. If I eat because of stress, it can easily end in a binge. What do I do?
Meditate. Yoga. Go for a walk. Bury behind a book. JOURNALING. Call a friend. Hide at home with a good movie.
Meanwhile, the only tricky situations are social events. I still have a hard time to be relaxed and to ignore the anxieties that attack me, when I am around a lot of food an alcohol for several hours. Sometimes I do overindulge, sometimes not – but the stress factor is still too high. As said – work in progress. In my daily life, it became a lot easier for me to eat regularly and healthy. It became a HABIT. Speaking of progress and this is my BIGGEST physical achievement so far: I am at a healthy weight; my digestive system is back to normal (after years of laxative and diuretic abuse); I have my period back. I went off the BCP in June this year (for cleaning purposes. Nothing else) and nothing happened. I waited and went for a check – but 2 months ago it came back on its own. Score.
Physically, I am healthy.
Just to end this post with one advice to anyone out there struggling: What helped me the MOST in making steps forward in my recovery from bulimia and anorexia was self-love and meditation. And both together. Practising positivity and self-love IN my meditation and training my mind in self-confidence, in sense of self-worth and peace. I stopped comparing myself to others which gave me SO MUCH MORE freedom in my mind and my soul. Appreciating myself, my life and my health, being patient, being thankful and staying consistent with all of it made me move forward in big steps.