31. October 2013 by swissfitchick
I am not talking about my current relationship here, don’t worry – Sandro and me are happy together! 🙂
I want to tell the story about the relationship I had before I came together with Sandro, and the reason is to show, what an Eating Disorder can do and that we all should NOT LET IT destroy our lives and loves!!
It was back in Summer 2003. I wasn’t bingeing when we met, but I lived very restricted. I remember eating a light yogurt for breakfast, some fruit and yogurt for lunch and nothing for dinner or sometimes a popsicle (…!!!). I also remember that he once wanted to cook for me and I freaked out when he said he was going to cook pasta. Being thin was the only thing I cared for. Don’t get me wrong – I was deeply in love with this man and I was sure he is the one. But I was dominated by my Eating Disorder way too much. Only after a few weeks of being together he experienced my bad days ( > which was when the scale showed 300g more than I expected) and it spoiled all the butterflies and romantic you normally experience in the first few months of a new relationship.
You see, this man was there to go to the ends of the earth and back again for me – but I was too busy keeping my weight or getting thinner, to see, appreciate and enjoy it. Plus, I had so much love to give back – but I couldn’t. I disliked myself so much, I was convinced, that this luck can’t be true – it’s not possible that he loves me the way I am.
Now imagine you love someone and you want to be with this person and love her, and she keeps pushing you back, again and again and is obviously busy with someone else – the Eating Disorder. No wonder, he was fed up one day and said he couldn’t make it anymore.
I woke up – and fought. We had something like a break for a week, until we met again and I promised to stop being that ED bitch. To stop blaming him for being cheerful (and me being miserable) and to stop wreaking my anger over my inner fights against him. He definitely was the bereaved when I was whining because I ate a piece of bread that wasn’t planned. He was the sufferer, when I was miserable and angry because of a stupid kilo I gained instead of being thankful for the love and life I had.
Thankfully, we made it – for almost 2 more years. We really worked on our relationship and I gave it all, and we had a precious time together. But when I look back today, I honestly think, that the real deep love died in this first year. After 2,5 years of being together, I felt his love starting to fade away. I realized it in several occasions, but I saw it in his eyes, that he isn’t in love anymore. Despite all these signs, we moved in together – and from this day on for almost 4 months, I binged daily. I rushed into a terrible vicious cycle of bingeing, purging, excessive exercising, pills…..this situation with a love that is flaking; the thought of losing this loved person and you can not do anything about it – no, actually a good part of it is your own fault – was too much to handle for me. I was there in the same room, soaking up all that bad atmosphere. It was probably one of the worst months in my life, not only because our relationship slowly died, but because I was in the longest and worst relapse ever.
We weren’t able to communicate anymore, ergo, I did not talk to him about what’s happening. All he could see was that I was depressed and gaining weight. It was not only me, but also him who lost the energy and interest in doing something against the approaching end of our love. After 6 months, I packed my bags and left.
In the end, it was both of us who didn’t have the chance to save our love and we both made mistakes. But I am almost 100% sure that this story would have taken an other path if I weren’t so distracted with my struggles in the beginning of this young love. Love should be treated with respect and appreciation and we must take care of it every. single. day. I thought it is more important to give my attention to my ED and literally spurned his feelings. Especially in the beginning – a fresh love is so sensitive. There so so much that can be broken in an instant.
The man I was in this relationship back then, has become a dear friend to me today and I am beyond happy about this. We talked it all over and forgave each other. I am thankful and happy for all the time and precious moments we had together and for everything he and this journey taught me.
You might have read the post about my relationship today and how we handle a life with an Eating Disorder. As I wrote there, it still isn’t easy, but it IS possible. Anyone out there who is struggling with the combination of love and a fight with this disease, please DON’T give the nasty thoughts more space in your heart than love. Real love is hard to find, and if you find it, hold it. Slap this ED in the face and walk away hand in hand with your loved one. It’s NOT worth to risk relationships for being skinnier. Believe me, I know how hard it is to let go, I’ve been there, and still am sometimes, 19 years to be exact. And still today, I have days when I think it would be easier if there were just me and the ED. It’s not. Just believe me if I say so – it’s not easier, and especially, it’s NOT FUN.
Let go. Live. Love. Screw ED. It’s not easy, but it’s WORTH IT!!