When the Eating Disorder ruined my relationship

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31. October 2013 by swissfitchick

I am not talking about my current relationship here, don’t worry – Sandro and me are happy together!🙂

Ahem....

Ahem….

I want to tell the story about the relationship I had before I came together with Sandro, and the reason is to show, what an Eating Disorder can do and that we all should NOT LET IT destroy our lives and loves!!

It was back in Summer 2003. I wasn’t bingeing when we met, but I lived very restricted. I remember eating a light yogurt for breakfast, some fruit and yogurt for lunch and nothing for dinner or sometimes a popsicle (…!!!). I also remember that he once wanted to cook for me and I freaked out when he said he was going to cook pasta. Being thin was the only thing I cared for. Don’t get me wrong  – I was deeply in love with this man and I was sure he is the one. But I was dominated by my Eating Disorder way too much. Only after a few weeks of being together he experienced my bad days ( > which was when the scale showed 300g more than I expected) and it spoiled all the butterflies and romantic you normally experience in the first few months of a new relationship.

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You see, this man was there to go to the ends of the earth and back again for me – but I was too busy keeping my weight or getting thinner, to see, appreciate and enjoy it. Plus, I had so much love to give back – but I couldn’t. I disliked myself so much, I was convinced, that this luck can’t be true – it’s not possible that he loves me the way I am.love-quotes-020

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Now imagine you love someone and you want to be with this person and love her, and she keeps pushing you back, again and again and is obviously busy with someone else – the Eating Disorder. No wonder, he was fed up one day and said he couldn’t make it anymore.

I woke up – and fought. We had something like a break for a week, until we met again and I promised to stop being that ED bitch. To stop blaming him for being cheerful (and me being miserable) and to stop wreaking my anger over my inner fights against him. He definitely was the bereaved when I was whining because I ate a piece of bread that wasn’t planned. He was the sufferer, when I was miserable and angry because of a stupid kilo I gained instead of being thankful for the love and life I had.

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Thankfully, we made it – for almost 2 more years. We really worked on our relationship and I gave it all, and we had a precious time together. But when I look back today, I honestly think, that the real deep love died in this first year. After 2,5 years of being together, I felt his love starting to fade away. I realized it in several occasions, but I saw it in his eyes, that he isn’t in love anymore. Despite all these signs, we moved in together – and from this day on for almost 4 months, I binged daily. I rushed into a terrible vicious cycle of bingeing, purging, excessive exercising, pills…..this situation with a love that is flaking; the thought of losing this loved person and you can not do anything about it – no, actually a good part of it is your own fault – was too much to handle for me. I was there in the same room, soaking up all that bad atmosphere. It was probably one of the worst months in my life, not only because our relationship slowly died, but because I was in the longest and worst relapse ever.

We weren’t able to communicate anymore, ergo, I did not talk to him about what’s happening. All he could see was that I was depressed and gaining weight. It was not only me, but also him who lost the energy and interest in doing something against the approaching end of our love. After 6 months, I packed my bags and left.

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In the end, it was both of us who didn’t have the chance to save our love and we both made mistakes. But I am almost 100% sure that this story would have taken an other path if I weren’t so distracted with my struggles in the beginning of this young love. Love should be treated with respect and appreciation and we must take care of it every. single. day. I thought it is more important to give my attention to my ED and literally spurned his feelings. Especially in the beginning – a fresh love is so sensitive. There so so much that can be broken in an instant.

The man I was in this relationship back then, has become a dear friend to me today and I am beyond happy about this. We talked it all over and forgave each other. I am thankful and happy for all the time and precious moments we had together and for everything he and this journey taught me.

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You might have read the post about my relationship today and how we handle a life with an Eating Disorder. As I wrote there, it still isn’t easy, but it IS possible. Anyone out there who is struggling with the combination of love and a fight with this disease, please DON’T give the nasty thoughts more space in your heart than love. Real love is hard to find, and if you find it, hold it. Slap this ED in the face and walk away hand in hand with your loved one. It’s NOT worth to risk relationships for being skinnier. Believe me, I know how hard it is to let go, I’ve been there, and still am sometimes, 19 years to be exact. And still today, I have days when I think it would be easier if there were just me and the ED. It’s not. Just believe me if I say so – it’s not easier, and especially, it’s NOT FUN.

Let go. Live. Love. Screw ED. It’s not easy, but it’s WORTH IT!!

xxx

Lucie

21 thoughts on “When the Eating Disorder ruined my relationship

  1. My ED wreaked havoc on my relationships as well — and not only romantic ones, but the ones I had with my friends and family. All I cared about back then was being thin, and the only relationship I honestly put any effort into was the one I had with food. I was constantly thinking about it, constantly around it, and constantly obsessing over it. Nothing else mattered. I became so isolated from everyone, and the scary thing is… I was thankful at the time, because the less people I had to deal with, the more time I could indulge my disorder. Blah. Bad times.

    I’m so happy to hear that you’re in a better place, love. And I’m glad that you have a man that adores and supports you❤

    • This is really tough girl, and it definitely is scary to realize, how much power an ED can have over us. I am so happy that you are in a healthy place today, with your family, friends and your guy. THIS is what matters!

  2. I’m so glad you were able to overcome this period in life and find love again. It’s scary how a non-living force can have such a control over us. I dread to recall the number of meals out with friends/family I skipped out on in the past because I didn’t want to “overeat”…or when I did go, the amount of guilt I felt afterwards. On the plus side, I guess it only makes us stronger and makes us appreciate what we have now so much more🙂

  3. mitchell-james says:

    This struck such a chord with me Lucie, thank you for posting it!

    It makes me think of all the situations where I made things more difficult than they needed to be, or turned down opportunities because I was so focused on staying super-lean and eating way too little.

    It’s so inspiring to learn from others and know that things get better, that we can persevere to be better versions of ourselves.

    I’m really glad you and your ex have maintained a friendship. Despite the difficulties in your relationship, at least now you can appreciate one anothers company, and doing it while maintaining a true sense of health.

    Well done😀

    • Thank you for your kind words Mitchell!
      Lief is too short to care only about staying lean and having the best body – we should focus more on the fun and the love! Screwing a friendship or relationship because of weight is not worth it.

  4. Thank you Lucie for being so raw and honest with this post- Its terrible how ED’s can ruin relationships in ALL areas- family, friends, love, interests.

    Its great that you guys have still maintained a friendship and that you have a rock in Sandro who can pick you up but give you the necessary reality check at times.

  5. I was divorced by age 23. Eating Disorders are hard on both ends.

    • I am sorry to hear this Ashley, but I can so relate. And you’re absolutely right, it’s not only a fight for the one with the disease, everyone around them are suffering too!

  6. My eating disorder ruined two relationships before I finally realized that I needed to seek professional help and treat the disorder. My story is here: http://thekoshercavegirl.blogspot.com/p/my-story.html

  7. ashley says:

    This was a touching post. I’m glad I stumbled up on it. Eating disorders are tough – I know because I have friend who have dealt with them!

  8. emskiruns says:

    Thanks for being brave enough to share this story it was a really interesting and heart wrending read.
    I am so happy that you have managed to come through the worst period of your issues with ED and that you are in a relationship now with someone who you love and who loves you and supports you in return.
    I hope things continue to be good for you and that you two are happy together.
    Em
    x

  9. […] When the Eating Disorder ruined my relationship (fitswisschick.com) […]

  10. CrazyDancer27 says:

    Wow thank you for this post. I have been recently diagnosed with an eating disorder a few months ago. I relate completely to this post and as I did the same thing with my ex-boyfriend. I am at least opening up to him more about how it effected it and I hope in time things between us can smooth out, but I denied my feelings and just was so unaccepting of him and his love. To this day, I am still trying to figure out if I was in love or just loved him. My eating disorder did not even give me the capability of attraction, i feel like. So thank you for the inspiration.

  11. […] He was an honest and friendly man, funny, full of life and he loved me truly to the moon and back. I wrote a post about this relationship and explained how difficult it was because my Eating Disorder came back stronger. I wasn’t […]

  12. Dustin says:

    Thank you Lucie!

    Have been on the other side of this fence. Grateful to hear someone who accepted it for what it is. I would call an ED many names, but then again it wouldn’t get her back. Losing a girlfriend to this obsessive behavior (weight, image, calorie counting and inability to see it taking its toll on one’s body with excessive exercise) was too much to handle. Being dumped for that routine and compulsive behavior hurts.

    Happy to read you have braved the storm and are enjoying life! I give anyone who confronts an ED a lot of courage and credit for loving themself (to realize there’s help out there and go get it!).

    Enjoy the journey,
    Dj

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