12. September 2013 by swissfitchick
Hey folks! 2 things before I start with this post – THANK YOU for all your sweet wishes and virtual hugs in your comments and emails I got. You seriously know how to make this girl feel better and the good thing is, I DO! You’re the best!
Second: even though today will be a heavy post, it’s a day to celebrate – Sandro and me have our 4 years anniversary! Love you Babe, thank you for everything and all!
We will be having a nice dinner date tonight I can not wait!
As said yesterday, I wasn’t feeling well this week (but I do a lot better today). It actually took a peek on Monday after a few weeks of getting more and more tired, exhausted, not motivated, sad and wattless. I had a hard time to get through my workweeks and was only waiting for the day to take the train back to Zurich. I tell you why. 4 weeks ago, I had a little binge. I call them ‘little’ because they are more like a slip and not a real relapse like they used to be. BUT – I had another one last Sunday, when I came back from the cycling tour. Plus, in the last few weeks I was battling the urge to binge on more days than I want to admit. I was strong, but I was emotionally in a state where I wanted to bury my emotions with food, which is an alarm signal for me. The slip on Sunday completely dragged me down, I was sobbing tears for hours and the night and I was overwhelmed with my old fears, panic attacks and anxieties. I was wondering how I can make it to work the next day and how I can tackle this week ahead. Yes, the weekend was loaded with big emotions and I was out of my comfort zone for almost 3 says, but that wasn’t the problem.
I am not suffering from it physically anymore, because the amount I eat isn’t big, I don’t purge and I don’t take any pills or do excessive cardio-sessions. It’s the mental part which is rough.
I couldn’t believe that this happened. My self-doubts stepped in big time, I was desperate and hopeless and I was so TIRED. I had no energy and just felt so FED UP with this effing, effing Eating Disorder. When, when, WHEN would this be FINALLY over?? After months of being in a good mental state and closer to the thought of being recovered, this hit me like a shot. But I also knew, that here are signals that force me to dig deeper. I knew, I had to face whatever bugs me, if I wanted or not. Because if I wouldn’t deal with it, it would only come back, over and over again. So on Monday, I called my therapist and we had a session yesterday to talk this all over. Note: I don’t see my therapist on a regular basis anymore, but I can always reach out to her if I need to.
I felt like a failure that I had to see her (not because of her, but you get it), but I knew there’s no way. So I went and what I got was clarity.
There is this issue I have since YEARS, and this is how I act in a relationship and how I treat myself in a relationship. How I CHANGE when I am in a relationship. When I was single, all the responsibility for myself was right here – on myself. There was nobody so close to care and I made my way through my life and I did good. Not always, but most of my single years I managed to take care of myself pretty ok. When I started dating a guy, all was good in the beginning and then….I lost myself. What happened? I have this habit to slowly, slowly give up my responsibility in a relationship. I start to get dependent on my partner. I start to compare myself with him. I feel watched and judged by this person so close to me and I want to be PERFECT, beautiful, and ‘as expected’. When comparing myself with my partner, I always lose, because I always find that I am not ‘as good as him’. Then I want to prove that I can BE as good and I start pressuring myself like crazy.
Important: It definitely is extremely wonderful that I get all this support from Sandro, no doubt. Though if you always feel that you ‘need’ support, and that your partner is ‘your support’, I sometimes kind of feel even sicker….does that make sense? It gives me the feeling that I would be completely lost without him – which I know is not ture. BUT it’s not Sandro’s or any of my boyfriends from the past’s fault. I am building up this pressure myself. Sandro ALWAYS gives me the feeling that he loves me JUST the way I am – unconditionally.
Don’t get me wrong – this happens very unconsciously. It is not that I am an unhappy person all the time, not at all. It sneaks in slowly and I start to feel it with the time. My self-trust and self-awareness gets lost plus my strength. It feels like I can not do things on my own anymore, I need HIM to manage my life, my struggles, my duties. I start to feel insecure about little things and I fight to be better and better to deny these feelings. This pressure and expectation leaves me behind – tired, exhausted, insecure and doubtfully. THIS mental state is like a free ticket for Bulimia. I feel weak and unmotivated so food and a binge is an easy way to escape at least for a very short period of time.
I know this pattern so well, because it’s not the first time it happened – honestly, it was in 2010 when it was REALLY bad and I was considered another clinic treatment. I was so full of panic and anxieties, I binged daily, I did not sleep and I was scared of every day that arrived. Today, it’s FAR AWAY from that. I am aware enough that I just realized that I start to lose myself again and that I SO need to find my inner guide again. I need to stop serving only others, but I need to serve and take care of myself. I need to ask my inner guide what I need and I have to believe in myself again. The last few weeks, all I wanted was to get through my work week, so I could be in my ‘safe’ place in Zurich, without duties and with Sandro. I felt like it is so hard to ‘survive’ on my own. Which of course is exaggerated and not true.
It is nothing new that I underestimate my strength in many areas of my life and that is what gives me this insecurity. As soon as I challenge myself and experience that I am strong, smart and good enough, my self-trust comes back and any stupid ED thoughts buzz off. When I am connected to myself, I am stronger than this effing disease. I own self-esteem and I act according to my needs = makes me feel good.
I hope this all makes some kind of sense. I never shouted out my inner true feelings as honest as in this post and if you have similar experiences, I would love to hear them (throw me an email if you like)! Or if you have some good advice I would be more than happy to receive it. I know that in MANY MANY parts of my life I overthink way too much and I don’t let go enough. I am working on it. Getting older is a good method – it makes me see things more relaxed and not too serious. But I am a girl who lived 18 years with an Eating Disorder, so I guess I still need some more mental training.
I am on my way up – thanks a MILLION for all your support!!!
- Eating Disorder and a Relationship (swissfitchick.wordpress.com)