Being honest – it’s not over yet and it sucks.

17

12. September 2013 by swissfitchick

Hey folks! 2 things before I start with this post – THANK YOU for all your sweet wishes and virtual hugs in your comments and emails I got. You seriously know how to make this girl feel better and the good thing is, I DO! You’re the best!

Second: even though today will be a heavy post, it’s a day to celebrate – Sandro and me have our 4 years anniversary! Love you Babe, thank you for everything and all!

We will be having a nice dinner date tonight I can not wait!

IMG_4741Ok, so as mentioned, this post is going to be long and heavy, and if you are not in the mood to read some rant and whining, I recommend you to come back tomorrow for a happy post!

As said yesterday, I wasn’t feeling well this week (but I do a lot better today). It actually took a peek on Monday after a few weeks of getting more and more tired, exhausted, not motivated, sad and wattless. I had a hard time to get through my workweeks and was only waiting for the day to take the train back to Zurich. I tell you why. 4 weeks ago, I had a little binge. I call them ‘little’ because they are more like a slip and not a real relapse like they used to be. BUT – I had another one last Sunday, when I came back from the cycling tour. Plus, in the last few weeks I was battling the urge to binge on more days than I want to admit. I was strong, but I was emotionally in a state where I wanted to bury my emotions with food, which is an alarm signal for me. The slip on Sunday completely dragged me down, I was sobbing tears for hours and the night and I was overwhelmed with my old fears, panic attacks and anxieties. I was wondering how I can make it to work the next day and how I can tackle this week ahead. Yes, the weekend was loaded with big emotions and I was out of my comfort zone for almost 3 says, but that wasn’t the problem.

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I am not suffering from it physically anymore, because the amount I eat isn’t big, I don’t purge and I don’t take any pills or do excessive cardio-sessions. It’s the mental part which is rough.

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I couldn’t believe that this happened. My self-doubts stepped in big time, I was desperate and hopeless and I was so TIRED. I had no energy and just felt so FED UP with this effing, effing Eating Disorder. When, when, WHEN would this be FINALLY over?? After months of being in a good mental state and closer to the thought of being recovered, this hit me like a shot. But I also knew, that here are signals that force me to dig deeper. I knew, I had to face whatever bugs me, if I wanted or not. Because if I wouldn’t deal with it, it would only come back, over and over again. So on Monday, I called my therapist and we had a session yesterday to talk this all over. Note: I don’t see my therapist on a regular basis anymore, but I can always reach out to her if I need to.

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I felt like a failure that I had to see her (not because of her, but you get it), but I knew there’s no way. So I went and what I got was clarity.

There is this issue I have since YEARS, and this is how I act in a relationship and how I treat myself in a relationship. How I CHANGE when I am in a relationship. When I was single, all the responsibility for myself was right here – on myself. There was nobody so close to care and I made my way through my life and I did good. Not always, but most of my single years I managed to take care of myself pretty ok. When I started dating a guy, all was good in the beginning and then….I lost myself. What happened? I have this habit to slowly, slowly give up my responsibility in a relationship. I start to get dependent on my partner. I start to compare myself with him. I feel watched and judged by this person so close to me and I want to be PERFECT, beautiful, and ‘as expected’. When comparing myself with my partner, I always lose, because I always find that I am not ‘as good as him’. Then I want to prove that I can BE as good and I start pressuring myself like crazy.

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Important: It definitely is extremely wonderful that I get all this support from Sandro, no doubt. Though if you always feel that you ‘need’ support, and that your partner is ‘your support’, I sometimes kind of feel even sicker….does that make sense? It gives me the feeling that I would be completely lost without him – which I know is not ture. BUT it’s not Sandro’s or any of my boyfriends from the past’s fault. I am building up this pressure myself. Sandro ALWAYS gives me the feeling that he loves me JUST the way I am – unconditionally.

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Don’t get me wrong – this happens very unconsciously. It is not that I am an unhappy person all the time, not at all. It sneaks in slowly and I start to feel it with the time. My self-trust and self-awareness gets lost plus my strength. It feels like I can not do things on my own anymore, I need HIM to manage my life, my struggles, my duties. I start to feel insecure about little things and I fight to be better and better to deny these feelings. This pressure and expectation leaves me behind – tired, exhausted, insecure and doubtfully. THIS mental state is like a free ticket for Bulimia. I feel weak and unmotivated so food and a binge is an easy way to escape at least for a very short period of time.

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I know this pattern so well, because it’s not the first time it happened – honestly, it was in 2010 when it was REALLY bad and I was considered another clinic treatment. I was so full of panic and anxieties, I binged daily, I did not sleep and I was scared of every day that arrived. Today, it’s FAR AWAY from that. I am aware enough that I just realized that I start to lose myself again and that I SO need to find my inner guide again. I need to stop serving only others, but I need to serve and take care of myself. I need to ask my inner guide what I need and I have to believe in myself again. The last few weeks, all I wanted was to get through my work week, so I could be in my ‘safe’ place in Zurich, without duties and with Sandro. I felt like it is so hard to ‘survive’ on my own. Which of course is exaggerated and not true.

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It is nothing new that I underestimate my strength in many areas of my life and that is what gives me this insecurity. As soon as I challenge myself and experience that I am strong, smart and good enough, my self-trust comes back and any stupid ED thoughts buzz off. When I am connected to myself, I am stronger than this effing disease. I own self-esteem and I act according to my needs = makes me feel good.

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I hope this all makes some kind of sense. I never shouted out my inner true feelings as honest as in this post and if you have similar experiences, I would love to hear them (throw me an email if you like)! Or if you have some good advice I would be more than happy to receive it. I know that in MANY MANY parts of my life I overthink way too much and I don’t let go enough. I am working on it. Getting older is a good method – it makes me see things more relaxed and not too serious. But I am a girl who lived 18 years with an Eating Disorder, so I guess I still need some more mental training.

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I am on my way up – thanks a MILLION for all your support!!!

xxx

Lucie

17 thoughts on “Being honest – it’s not over yet and it sucks.

  1. Jen says:

    You are an amazing woman. The fact that you can be so honest on your blog is proof. I think being honest with what’s going on decreases the power that these thoughts and insecurities have on you. You are healing and getting stronger day by day. It’s a process and a journey.

    The funny thing is – I don’t suffer from an ED, but I do completely identify with your insecurities. I think it really hits close to home for many people, especially women. Always comparing yourself to others – and finding reasons to prove that you are not good enough just as you. It’s interesting being a woman in the world these days. We’ve grown up with different expectations put on us. It’s scary trying to be a strong woman. But more and more are coming around!

    Regardless of the reasons, we still need to learn to love ourselves – every part, even the insecure parts of ourselves. Something I’ve learned from therapy and like to do is to give different parts of you a “persona” or “character” – it’s a version of yourself that learned to exist to help you survive in the world – Insecure Jen, Lazy Jen, Bratty Jen, Partier Jen, Judgemental Jen, Motherly Jen, Rebellious Jen, Sad Jen, Happy Jen, Proud Jen, Angry Jen, Attention-Seeking Jen etc. I visualize the person that seems to be speaking the loudest and try to understand where they are coming from even if I don’t like them at the moment – I try to find a way to understand them better, and learn to accept and love them (I visualize putting them into “Healing Circle” and this always makes me smile because it’s so hippy, but it totally words for me). There is always a reason they are there – to protect you, to teach you a lesson, to help you relax, to find peace, to help you be heard, to stand out – though their ways of doing it might be not of good use to you anymore (ie. Binging).

    I don’t know if these versions of yourself and insecurities ever go away – they are part of you. I think the more you love and accept them, the less loud they become. So if a voice is loud, it may be drawing your attention to something important – just like you realized.

    Awareness is key. I think the majority of people aren’t even aware of the voices and negative thoughts in their heads and how often they are there. People are very clever at finding ways to cover them (drugs, addictions, overwork).

    You are truly a breath of fresh air Miss Lucie, I think you are really going to help people in this world by sharing your story – it makes everyone feel a lot less alone!

    HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!

    xo

    • Jen – I can not even start to tell you how much I love this comment. I will be forever thankful for the day we met (sweaty, hungry, tired and unglamurous) in the Philippines as you TRULY are my canadian best friend!!
      Wise words you speak lady, and I agree with everything you say – THANK YOU. I LOVE the ‘persona’ – thing. Such a great way of being aware of our different characters and to realize when and why they appear. I will definitely include this ‘trick’ into my healing cycle (I love hippie strategies).
      I am glad that you can relate and hope other women can as well so we can build up a solidarity which is so much more important than comparing ourselves with each other.
      You are a blessing Jen, thank you for being my friend!!

  2. Firstly, happy anniversary Lucie! I hope there are many more years of joy to come to both of you.

    I commend you for opening up about your struggles instead of delving deeper in it. You can look back over this and perhaps when in a better frame of mind, piece together what potentially triggered it, or events leading up to it that resulted in it. Emotional? Perhaps you exercised alot and your body compensated for it?

    Something you should be proud of is how long its been since your last slip up- yes you may have slipped up now but it doesn’t mean your going to slip up tomorrow, the next day or the day after. You need to acknowledge that it happened (which you did) and look at tomorrow as a fresh start and realise we are all only human- and you have overcome so many obstacles already, this is merely a tiny stone in the road.

    • Thank you so so much Arman!!
      You’re so kind and your support just made me smile so much. You’re absolutely right – one should never forget how far he/she have come. I know I am on the right track, but sometimes the slips just are so decouraging. I feel a lot better today and I will – as you said – take today and tomorrow as a fresh start. Thank you so much!!

  3. s. says:

    dear lucy
    thank you for your open words.i appreciate you sharing your story and i am sure others do as well. there are so many people struggling with insecurities and self-doubt. so do i. you are not alone with this. sometimes i ask myself if other people can possibly be free of these burdens or if they maybe just aren’t as aware.

    you do such a great job with getting up and dust yourself off everytime you fall.
    yes, you fell. you will fall again. that’s part of being human. you don’t have to be perfect. no one is. be kind to yourself, it’s ok.
    if you feel like you are getting back to the same point again and again, things never change and you feel helpless: remember that this is not true. it may look like you relapse, walk in circles. I see it more as a spiral. you are moving, upwards. the circles get more and more narrow as you learn to get back on track faster.
    life confronts you with the same lesson again and again until you fully learn it. each time you face your issues and deal with them, you take the next step. you do progress. this is not easy, it’s hard work. it takes a lot of courage and perseverance. you have both. you are willing to develop. you are truely brave. please be proud of yourself.

    • Thank you so much for understanding me, for these supportive words and lines of encouragement! It means so much to me to get all this support when I just let out all the honesty and made myself even more vulnerable. I know I have to see how far I’ve come and I know I will fall again, but as you say, it’s human and it’s what makes us growing stronger. I lvoe the idea of a spiral, I ant to keep this image in my mind.
      THANK YOU SO SO MUCH.

  4. Lucie you so much love and support Lucie! You are so brave to share your struggles and you know that I am so very proud of you. Progress is so much more important than perfection, we will never reach perfection and that is 100% okay.
    One of my favorite quotes from Geneen Roth is this: “the Process is the Goal”
    Love you girl!

  5. Lisa says:

    First – congrats to you on Sandro on your four years together!!!!
    Second – I really appreciate you sharing your honest emotions and thoughts with us right now. Don’t ever feel like a failure for the way you feel. I struggled feeling like that for a while, but eventually I came to a point where I learnt as long as I was progressing in my feelings that was good enough for me.
    And I’m so happy to hear that Sandro is a great support system for you. That’s so important in a relationship.
    I think just the fact that you were so open and honest about this is a huge step It sounds like you know what you need to do to move past this, and just knowing that is great!
    You’re such an amazing person and deserve all the happiness in the world and just remember this is just a little ebb in life for the moment, and it too shall pass.

    • Thank you so much Lisa for all these words, mean the world to me! It feels so good to be understood and to have all that support and encouragement from you guys. It was so relieving to let out all these struggling thoughts and freeing myself from this negativity. I feel so much better today. THANK YOU!!

  6. Sloane says:

    Oh honey thank you for this. Your honesty is SO touching on so many levels. Where to start?
    First, I’m so proud of you for going and checking in with your therapist. You are so self-aware now and that is HUGE. This disorder takes SO DAMN LONG to fully shut out, and when we are stressed, anxious, exhausted, and have something weird going on emotionally, it likes to peek in again. But you KILLED it this week! I know the feeling of being exhausted with your disorder. It sucks. But you are NOT failing. You are THRIVING and that is so good to see. You deserve so much happiness, and you are not stopping in your quest to create it for yourself and I am SO proud of you.

    Now, for the guys. GOD do I understand that one. For some reason in relationships, I too lose myself. My worst times in my disorder were also times where I was involved with a guy (though none of mine were good men like Sandro…mine were assholes). And even now when I start dating someone I start to feel more and more anxious about food and exercise and my body. Old shit starts coming up, and for that reason I’m really effing scared to date. But I hear you on the support thing too–like you feel so much worse when you fee like you HAVE to be watched over and cared for or else you’ll fall apart.

    Keep working it sweetie. Or better yet, take a break from “working it” and just give yourself and your man some lovin. Lose yourself in the beauty of your life for a while and see how that goes.
    If you need anything you know I’m just an email away! I so appreciate you writing this–it inspired some work of my own I need to do🙂

    LOVE YOU!!!
    xoxo

    • Girl, thanks a MILLION for your beautiful comment. You know how much I admire you and how far you have come, so hearing from you all this as my inspiration, feels so good!
      Oh and believe me….I had some assholes too on my side. Thank God they are far away now and out of my sight! I can SO understand your fear of dating – it took some years for me too until I could trust someone and myself again!
      I will take your advice to heart and especially this weekend will lose myself in the beauty of life. Thank you SO MUCH!!

  7. […] One of the most honest posts I’ve read about being years into ED recovery. From FitSwissChick […]

  8. […] without ANY plans and after last weekend’s cycling madness, it was so needed. Also, after a few rough days, it was nice to finally enjoy some peace for my mind. Even though I was totally jealous of many of […]

  9. […] do binge occasionaly. Though when I look at the last six months, I binged maybe 4 times – in 6 months. For me, […]

  10. […] worked my ass off to get my mindset straight. I failed SO many times. I tried just as many times. I started recovery at wrong points with wrong goals and in wrong […]

  11. […] It’s not over yet and it sucks – Relapses happened in the past year on and off. I had to dig deep to figure where they came from. An analysis of my inner struggles. […]

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