25. July 2013 by swissfitchick
In the bad phases of my Eating Disorder, I did not drink coffee or tea in the morning like normal people do. I drank a sip of water, paired with a cocktail of pills. Included were appetite suppressers and metabolic boosters, diuretics and laxatives. To eliminate the side effects of these pills, I added a medicine against headache, guarana and medicine against stomachache. A big, colorful pile of pills went down every morning. Why? Because ironically, they made me feel skinnier. I say FEEL, because they never really made me any skinnier. But they made me feel ’empty’ which I associated with skinny. So wrong.
I am not sure how I started to learn about this stuff. I just know that someday I was addicted and I had to take more and more since my body got used to it and the reactions weren’t as ‘expected’ anymore, so I had to increase the dose. DANGEROUS.
My personal trainer did not get tired of telling me that I should STOP IMMEDIATELY taking this crab and that it is NOT good for me and my body and that it is dangerous. I would not listen. I kept on swallowing and increasing.
Of course, my body started to protest and sent signals, that it suffers. I had low blood pressure, dizziness, headaches, stomach cramps, a bloated belly after every meal and shortage of breath while my workouts. I was ravenous all the time because my body could not hold on the nutrients nor absorb them. The day came, when I fainted. I fainted a lot when I was anorectic, and always had low blood pressure, but I knew it was because of the cocktail. This is when I decided to talk to my doctor about it. He had no idea I was doing this and you can guess he was really upset and worried. Though it was clear, it would be difficult to go off the pills without professional help because of relapsing. So he sent me to a clinic, where I was to stay for 2 months for community detoxification. It was horrible. I did get off the stuff, but probably more because I just wanted to get out of there.
I relapsed. Sure I did, since nobody offered aftercare operations and I slid right back into my old habits.
The year after, I was at the same point again. The symptoms came back and I felt so shabby. So I went cold turkey with the diuretics and the appetite suppressers. It took my body about 2 weeks to balance things out. 2 weeks. Amazing. 2 weeks is NOTHING if you consider for how long I’d taken the pills. The 2 weeks were difficult, a mental battle and I felt awful, but it was SO worth to hold it out. Slowly but surely my body took over the work again and I felt 1000x better, had glowing skin, tight muscles and energy. I knew, I would never go back again and because I did the detox MYSELF and not because of the expectation of doctors, I was proud and I did not relapse.
Except with the laxatives. My digestive system was so dependent on them, it wouldn’t work by itself anymore. I knew that going off them would take much longer for my body to recover and I was terrified. It took me 2 more years until I finally stopped. That was in the beginning of June this year. Yes. 7 weeks back from now. So what I can say today is – I AM CLEAN. I am not taking ANY pill anymore and it will stay like this, I know it.
It isn’t so easy for my body to recover from years of laxative abuse and I must say, some days are rough. And it will definitely take a lot more time until my digestive system is back to normal again. The upsides?
I feel so MUCH better. My Body finally gets the time to absorb all the nutrients before they are all ‘artificially flushed’ out like they used to with the laxatives. I am a healthy eater, so I can definitely see the benefits now. All my cellulite is gone. My skin is tight and glowing, not dry, flabby and pale anymore. My muscles are more defined (not as much as I wish them to be. But that is not because of the laxatives and I am still working on that with baby step progress. All fine. ) I am not as bloated as I used to – still sometimes, but as said – these are the consequences of the abuse. I sleep better and my nails and hair are stronger.
So here you have it – the longer I took this stuff, the more it turned my body into something I never wanted it to be. It only made everything worse, while I thought it would help me looking skinny.
I feel so proud and happy that I went through this detoxification which certainly wasn’t easy, but I sweat it out. I was so determined to my wish to be clean and I am today, at least physically. It will still need some time until I am mentally ‘detoxed’ from ‘Eating Disorder Thoughts’, but I will get there too one day.
No questions today, thank you for listening! And of course – I would love to hear your thoughts.