6. June 2013 by swissfitchick
If you are familiar with Eating Disorders, you might have read about the point of no return.
In recovery of my anorexia/bulimia, I know EXACTLY what this is and I experienced it – I don’t even want to know how many times.
So today, I would like to talk about binging, about the urge of compensating and how I am slowly overcoming this habit/addiction.
We all have bad days, right? We all feel down sometimes, depressed, frustrated or sad. We all do. The difference between people is, how we handle these days and situations. Some smoke. Some work their ass off. Some go for a long run. Some have healthy strategies to cope with emotional days and with negative vibes, some do things that doesn’t make them feel any better. Maybe drinking, or – eating. When I feel bad, I want to eat. Everything. I want to go home, close up, isolate and eat. Most of the time I don’t do it, because I know, that it’s it good for me and that I will feel even worse after. But yes, here I admit it – when I feel emotional, the only thing I want is be alone and to eat all the food.
So here’s a day. It’s raining. It’s dark. I am having a sad day, for whatever reason. I might have stomach pain and am tired. Maybe I feel ugly. Maybe I had a disagreement with my man, or I just feel sad, cause the bad weather makes me sad. I want to ‘swallow’ these feelings, gulp them down with food, with sugar and carbs. Chocolate. Bread. I am aware of the wish and the urge, I am aware of the feelings and I know, I need to stay connected to myself and to just let it pass. Because it WILL pass. No matter what – IT WILL PASS. I am a LOT more successful today when it comes to HOLD IT OUT. Most of the times I can make it through without going crazy. I try to stay conscious and aware of myself, of my emotions and why I am struggling. This is SO important. I found alternatives to handle these emotions. First of all, I write them down. This way, I can see what’s actually happening. Focusing my thoughts on food is only the distraction from what is REALLY bothering me. Food makes me forget my emotions.
Then I stick to my plan. I try not to consider to eat any ‘unsafe’ food, but stay with my meals and my workouts. Intuitive eating is the least that works in these moments. It is NOT good for me to have any ‘treats’ in these situations, because they only act as triggers. Then I try to do the best out of this day. I work, or I go for a walk, a run, I meditate, I distract myself with reading or I go to a place where I feel comfortable. If that is my home, a favorite coffe place, the couch, the lake – I have to listen to myself to find out, what I NEED. Do I need a talk with someone? Do I rather want to be all by myself? Is a workout a good thing, or just stressing me out at that moment? I HAVE to go to my inside and focus on my needs. And then go for it. Being nice to me, sending love to me and stop judging. It does NOT help to judge ourselves if we have a bad day. It makes that day even worse. Bad days happen and there’s nothing wrong with that.
Sometimes I am not strong enough. I am not centered enough. I lose the connection to my inner guide. I start pressuring myself, judging myself, doing verbal abuse to myself. These are all triggers. ‘You should not eat chocolate, you’re already too fat’; ‘Why are you on a bad mood? You should be in a good mood, every day’. Frustrated, I grab a piece of chocolate. And because that makes me even more frustrated, I grab another one. I feel guilty and furious because of my weaknesses. I can’t stand myself. I feel shabby. The chocolate made the wheel turn. THE POINT OF NO RETURN ARRIVES. This is, when I decide, that I am not strong enough today. That I don’t WANT to find a healthy alternative. That I NEED a binge (that’s what I think – of course I never need one). This is the moment, when – SO FAR – no one and nothing can stop me anymore from going out, buying things and eat. I don’t feel like myself anymore, I feel like a autopilot machine that is made to do what it’s got to do.
After I had all this food, the downfall starts. ‘I need to get rid of it all’. ‘I am so lame’. ‘I am nothing’.’I will turn into a fat elephant in no time and I won’t be able to go to work tomorrow. No one will ever love me the way I am and I hate myself’. And then there is this huge force to compensate all the ‘damage’. To get it ‘right’ again. To ‘reset’ and starting all over and THIS time, I’ll do better.’
Let me tell you, that today, this downfall doesn’t really happen anymore. I think, I have relapses about once a month. This is such a little amount compared to other times. This is GREAT progress. Like this, I can even accept a binge and accept the fact, that it happened and just go on normal. That would have NEVER been possible in the past. It took me days to get out of the whole. With excessive workouts, pills, maybe purging. I felt guilty for DAYS. Today, I feel guilty for a few hours. That’s it. I don’t workout more the next day than I usually would, and I don’t fast the next day. Like this, the relapse gets forgotten so quickly and has no chance to occupy my mind any longer than for a few hours. I am back to normal. I never gained weight like in the past. I go back on track and I stop beating myself up. This is NEW and this is GOOD.
What do you do if you feel down? Any good strategies you want to share?