The point of no return

19

6. June 2013 by swissfitchick

If you are familiar with Eating Disorders, you might have read about the point of no return.

In recovery of my anorexia/bulimia, I know EXACTLY what this is and I experienced it – I don’t even want to know how many times.

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So today, I would like to talk about binging, about the urge of compensating and how I am slowly overcoming this habit/addiction.

We all have bad days, right? We all feel down sometimes, depressed, frustrated or sad. We all do. The difference between people is, how we handle these days and situations. Some smoke. Some work their ass off. Some go for a long run. Some have healthy strategies to cope with emotional days and with negative vibes, some do things that doesn’t make them feel any better. Maybe drinking, or – eating. When I feel bad, I want to eat. Everything. I want to go home, close up, isolate and eat. Most of the time I don’t do it, because I know, that it’s it good for me and that I will feel even worse after. But yes, here I admit it – when I feel emotional, the only thing I want is be alone and to eat all the food.

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So here’s a day. It’s raining. It’s dark. I am having a sad day, for whatever reason. I might have stomach pain and am tired. Maybe I feel ugly. Maybe I had a disagreement with my man, or I just feel sad, cause the bad weather makes me sad. I want to ‘swallow’ these feelings, gulp them down with food, with sugar and carbs. Chocolate. Bread. I am aware of the wish and the urge, I am aware of the feelings and I know, I need to stay connected to myself and to just let it pass. Because it WILL pass. No matter what – IT WILL PASS. I am a LOT more successful today when it comes to HOLD IT OUT. Most of the times I can make it through without going crazy. I try to stay conscious and aware of myself, of my emotions and why I am struggling. This is SO important. I found alternatives to handle these emotions. First of all, I write them down. This way, I can see what’s actually happening. Focusing my thoughts on food is only the distraction from what is REALLY bothering me. Food makes me forget my emotions.

Foto(1)Then I stick to my plan. I try not to consider to eat any ‘unsafe’ food, but stay with my meals and my workouts. Intuitive eating is the least that works in these moments. It is NOT good for me to have any ‘treats’ in these situations, because they only act as triggers. Then I try to do the best out of this day. I work, or I go for a walk, a run, I meditate, I distract myself with reading or I go to a place where I feel comfortable. If that is my home, a favorite coffe place, the couch, the lake – I have to listen to myself to find out, what I NEED. Do I need a talk with someone? Do I rather want to be all by myself? Is a workout a good thing, or just stressing me out at that moment? I HAVE to go to my inside and focus on my needs. And then go for it. Being nice to me, sending love to me and stop judging. It does NOT help to judge ourselves if we have a bad day. It makes that day even worse. Bad days happen and there’s nothing wrong with that.

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Sometimes I am not strong enough. I am not centered enough. I lose the connection to my inner guide. I start pressuring myself, judging myself, doing verbal abuse to myself. These are all triggers. ‘You should not eat chocolate, you’re already too fat’; ‘Why are you on a bad mood? You should be in a good mood, every day’. Frustrated, I grab a piece of chocolate. And because that makes me even more frustrated, I grab another one. I feel guilty and furious because of my weaknesses. I can’t stand myself. I feel shabby. The chocolate made the wheel turn. THE POINT OF NO RETURN ARRIVES. This is, when I decide, that I am not strong enough today. That I don’t WANT to find a healthy alternative. That I NEED a binge (that’s what I think – of course I never need one). This is the moment, when – SO FAR – no one and nothing can stop me anymore from going out, buying things and eat. I don’t feel like myself anymore, I feel like a autopilot machine that is made to do what it’s got to do.

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After I had all this food, the downfall starts. ‘I need to get rid of it all’. ‘I am so lame’. ‘I am nothing’.’I will turn into a fat elephant in no time and I won’t be able to go to work tomorrow. No one will ever love me the way I am and I hate myself’. And then there is this huge force to compensate all the ‘damage’. To get it ‘right’ again. To ‘reset’ and starting all over and THIS time, I’ll do better.’

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Let me tell you, that today, this downfall doesn’t really happen anymore. I think, I have relapses about once a month. This is such a little amount compared to other times. This is GREAT progress. Like this, I can even accept a binge and accept the fact, that it happened and just go on normal. That would have NEVER been possible in the past. It took me days to get out of the whole. With excessive workouts, pills, maybe purging. I felt guilty for DAYS. Today, I feel guilty for a few hours. That’s it. I don’t workout more the next day than I usually would, and I don’t fast the next day. Like this, the relapse gets forgotten so quickly and has no chance to occupy my mind any longer than for a few hours. I am back to normal. I never gained weight like in the past. I go back on track and I stop beating myself up. This is NEW and this is GOOD.

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What do you do if you feel down? Any good strategies you want to share? 

xxx

Lucie

19 thoughts on “The point of no return

  1. I’ve never had an eating disorder so I hope you don’t mind me commenting.

    I’m totally an emotional eater, and for years I used food to anaesthetise bad feelings and extreme sadness. It was only when I started dealing with my feelings and working through things that I was able to recognise that I wasn’t sad because I was fat (like I thought), but I was fat because I was sad.

    Now I have a much better way of dealing with things. I talk (this helps) to trusted people, and I do things that make my soul feel restful. I walk to somewhere beautiful and spend time with nature, or I take a run. Running is very good for my mind, it lets me be with my thoughts and is good for working through some things.

    I admire you so much Lucie, you’ve come so far – and you’re sharing it all on here for the world to see. I’m sure you are helping many people by sharing your experiences and feelings. x

    • Poppy, thank you so much for your honesty!! Food is such an easy tool to ‘cover’ our real emotions. Like you, I love to be outdoors, running and in nature to get emotions and thoughts sorted. I am so happy for you that you are in a better place today!!

  2. cleanfoodcreativefitness says:

    I’m so happy you have moved past this point Lucie! I used to keep all my emotions hidden which lead to so many issues with my eating. When I started to actually address my emotions and seek comfort when I needed it became so much easier to resist this “point of no return”. I could relate so much though in reading this post. I’m so glad we both have found coping mechanisms that work for us!

    • Yes, I truly think that it is comfort we are looking for, but REAL comfort and not food. It takes so much effort to get over these habits, but it’s so worth it!

  3. Thanks for your honesty in this post Lucie – I know you haven’t put bingeing behind you 100% yet, but you’re making such great progress with it. I know that you’ll get to the point eventually where it will 100% be a thing of the past. I can definitely relate to the negative self talk leading you to do damaging things to your body – it’s frustrating how we force our bodies to take on our mental and emotional pain.
    I’m happy to hear that when it happens, you’re not continuing to beat yourself up over it and just choosing to move on with your life. Definitely a great step in learning how to put them behind you entirely!

    • Thank you so much Sam! Yes, the verbal abuse really is horrible and even though I still do it here and there, I got so much better at it. It is so full of negative vibes, skipping it really is the only way to get it behind us!

  4. jess says:

    THIS IS ME… I was almost in tears reading this because it is excatly what I do now. Last week I stooped counting claories using my fitness pal, because I thought that was the root of my problem. But I have binged two days already since then. I know that I stressed…I need to find an outlet. I am so unhappy with my job… I binge most as soon as I get home. I feel like I can’t trust myslef when I am home alone.

    • I am sorry you go through such a rough time Jess! I know how it is. Bingeing is an outlet of emotions and pressure, we need to dig deep to find out what and why it is. Bingeing only buries the real stuff deeper and deeper. Find out what REALLY bothers you – I am almost 100% sure it has nothing to do with food! Send love to yourself, you and your body needs it!

  5. I always love your honesty so much, hun. But what I love even more is the fact that you’re doing so much better now. Facing our emotions is never easy when we’ve been using alternative methods to bury them for so long, but it’s definitely a necessary part of the healing process. And so is self-forgiveness. I think that not being hard on ourselves when we slip up (because we ALL do) is one of the key aspects of recovery. You’ve been doing so well, that there’s no doubt in my mind that you’re going to beat this 100% soon, and I’m SO looking forward to hearing about it when you do🙂

    • Thank you so much Sweetie for your kind words! You are so right that self-forgivness is SUCH an important part of recovery.
      I hope I can come up with more good recovery news soon🙂

  6. Such a powerful post and just so you know you are not alone. I to go through this and through my years of guilt and sadness I am able to now overcome these emotions because as stated they are just emotions. You are such a strong soul and I am so proud of all that you have accomplished in the short time we have been working together! Stay strong and know and remember how much you love your body!! Have an amazing day Love + Shine Courtstar

    • Thank you so much love!! I am so happy and grateful for our work together, you showed me a LOT to learn in my recovery!
      You know how impatient I am and I am glad I learned better to just keep going even if I have my downs. It’s a long and bumpy road, but it’s worth it!

  7. compasschloe says:

    Very inspiring!
    I really identify with what you’re saying, especially about eating being the only distraction and intuitive eating not working when you’re in that state of mind. My binge voice just tries to convince me that I’m physically hungry to get round it! You’re right about waiting it out being the only way…thanks for sharing🙂

  8. Yes, yes and yes. I won’t comment on every point because I have experienced every single feeling you described in this post. I became very depress a few months ago because I was bingeing and gaining weight. I never wanted to get out of bed, put on clothes or see people the next day and the isolation just made everything worse. I haven’t really been having huge binges lately, although I do still overeat emotionally. The difference is that if I start to overeat, I don’t automatically call it a binge and surrender to it; I just tell myself that I am eating more than I need to today and it is okay and the less guilt I feel about a slip-up, the more likely I am to stop. I find that the more positive my attitude, the more likely I am to stick to a healthy lifestyle. Now, when I eat too much, I still get up the next morning, get dressed for work and get on with my life because being around people is much more therapeutic than wallowing in my own misery. So proud of you for the milestones you are reaching! xoxox

  9. Wow, what a great post, Lucie! Not in terms of a “great” topic, obviously, but in terms of sharing your experiences and how you learned to deal with them. While I’ve gotten better with not letting every unhappy day get me down there are some when I’m not strong enough to deal with my emotions. Actually, I had one not too long ago – think heavy rain outside all day, me being alone trying to study and snacking around all day. What helped me after being in a funk all day was braving the weather, grabbing my umbrella and going for a 30-minute-walk despite the nastyness. I honestly think being outside is my (second-)best remedy for “those” days – best would be having my mum around to talk to.
    I’m glad you made such a lot of progress and are in a much better place now. Not too long and I’m convinced you’ll leave all of this behind.

    • This is so great, I love that you could dig yourself out by walking outside. This helps me so much too!! It somehow puts everything in perspective. Thank you so much!!!

  10. […] The Point of no return […]

  11. […] The point of no return – a description of that moment when the waterfall breaks. The moment when I decided to binge. […]

  12. […] immediately gave me the undeniable urge to literally swallow all these scary feelings and demons. At the point of no return, I would go to the supermarket or wherever I could get as much junk food as simply possible and […]

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