The Scale

31

4. April 2013 by swissfitchick

Hey folks

Since Thankful Thursday ended last Thursday, I will not link up anymore, but I will still write thankful posts and will share stories of my ED and of my journey in recovery with you. I think it is important that I can let it out here for me to free myself, to see progress or backsteps and maybe to inspire some of my readers out there or to make them feel they are not alone.

Today I want to talk about the scale. The bodyscale.

(too fat!)

(too fat!)

I don’t know about you, but the scale was my most important tool in the past. I even – hear this – carried it with me on my travels just to be sure I can weigh myself on MY scale every day. Every. Single. Day. I didΒ  have success feelings when stepping on it. But I also suffered from the fact to own a scale and to ‘have’ to step on it and see what it says. The number on the scale used to be my ‘mood-iator’ – it was responsible on how my day was. Do you feel me? The number dominated my life, the scale was my best friend or my worst enemy. It was my drill sergeant, telling me how much I am worth that day. ‘You’re skinny – you’re good’ – ‘you’re too heavy = fat – you’re not worth it, not lovable, a lame duck’. I felt forced to have control over every single gram about my body and about every little move that number made, up or down. I could not imagine a day without my scale.

What does a number say? Does it describe your soul? Your heart? Your value? Why is it, that people get so addicted by a number? I know, that some people need the scale i if they are preparing for a competition or because they need to GAIN. But I am talking about myself – nobody cares about my weight but me.

I do admit, that I do not live a numberfree life. As tempting as it is and it is proven how wonderful it can be by Amanda, I am not there yet. I count calories and I measure myself to be in control. I have goals I want to reach and therefore watch the numbers. But the scale – it lost it’s value to me, SO MUCH. I stepped on it last Monday after more than a month. MORE THAN A MONTH. That is a long time for me and I am proud I did not let the thought get me that I need to weigh myself to see if I am good enough.

Yes, I check on my jeans, I check with measurements but I do that maybe once a month. I don’t let a number on the scale judge me anymore. Even if it is more than I expected to be or wished it would be, I don’t let it get down on me. I know that if I want to reach my goal I need to work, and I need to be focused and strong, but the scale does not help me with this. I am fed up with nightmares of the moment when I step on that freaking thing. Nightmares of a 3 digit number because I gained 158 kilos overnight and turned into a whale. I don’t need this. I want to reach my goal to lean out because I want to feel good about myself. I don’t do it for my boyfriend, my family or because I feel I need to prove something. I want to achieve things andΒ  want to feel good.

Without the scale. But with my own strength, with support from friends, family and coaches and with my determination. This is all I need to recover, to feel good and to have success beside the scale.

Are you afraid of the scale?

Do numbers dominate parts of your life?

xxx

Lucie

31 thoughts on “The Scale

  1. This post just blew me away, Lucie! I know I’ve told you multiple times, but I am so proud of you. So proud of the obstacles you’ve faced and ACHIEVED in your ED journey. You show others that it’s possible to live life full of happiness, balance, and work. You not only give me inspiration, but you give others that wonderful gift as well. All I ask is that you continue being YOU, an amazing, remarkable, fun, honest & loveable woman! ❀

    • You’re the sweetest girlie, thank you SO much!! Sometimes it is hard to be patient and only be able to take baby steps, but it’s the key! Thank you so much for all your support!

  2. I’m so pleased that you’re making good progress with your journey. I’ve never had an ED, so can’t say I know how oyu feel, but having been overweight for pretty much all of my adult life, I know how it feels to be obsessed with the scales and that little number in the screen! These days I try to place more value on myself than just a number – but it’s something that needs a lot of practice! You’re incredible πŸ™‚

  3. Danielle says:

    Love this Lucie! You are making such amazing progress and it really shows! I am not a fan of the scale but in the past I gave it so much power and it would literally affect my entire day after I stepped on it. I’m so happy to say I am out of that phase and I’m so glad to hear of all this awesome progress you are making πŸ™‚

  4. I think that I am somewhat afraid of the scale, and I know this, so I tend to try to avoid it. Since moving to my own apartment, I intentionally did not buy a scale because I knew that I would get obsessed with the number that I saw. Instead, I go more by how I feel and by the fit of my clothing. This seems to work just fine and is a lot more freeing :).

  5. Huge hugs, Lucie! I’m so proud of you πŸ˜€ The scale dominated my life and dictated my mood for more years than I care to admit, and giving it up was one of the best things I ever did. Yes it was scary at first, but over time I realized that my body is pretty smart and it has the ability to moderate itself without me constantly needing to control it. As counterintuitive as it may seem, giving up numbers and control actually got me better results than I was getting when I was constantly on top of everything.

    • Thank you love!! I also though at first it was scary but really, what is supposed to happen? Our bodies are so smart. It is such a great feeling not to wake up with a scare feeling on my stomach on what the ‘drill sergeant’ will say about me.
      And I am striving for a numberfree life, yes! πŸ™‚

  6. Greta says:

    Good for you, Lucie!
    I did own a scale. I’ve came a long way not stepping on it five times per day. Yes, my jeans know better whether I’ve gained or lost, too. However I sometimes jump on them out of despair and make things even worse – damn, will I ever learn? I have to just throw it away!

    • Agreeeeeee!!! Throw it away!! That number just makes us even more obsessing. I totally know that jump out of despair, I also do it here and there, but it just awakens old habits. Not worth it.

  7. Tonia says:

    I wish I could say no, but yes, the numbers on my scale determine my mood on most days. I wish I could feel free and happy no matter what the number is on a particular day, but it’s so difficult. I work on what is important in my life and how I FEEL each day, but it never seems effortless or easy. I am always battling how I feel and what that number is.

    • I am sorry Tonia that you go through this. I absolutely feel you because I’ve been there for so long and numbers still ARE important in my life just not the one on the scale. It takes a long time to listen to our emotions and bodies and face it – it is hard but don’t give up. We all are in this together!! Your work will be paid off!

  8. Shalama Jackson says:

    I do not own a scale. I do get on one every other week at work though, but my real measurement has been by my clothes. I am in desperate need of some new pants because the ones I am wearing or at least one size two big. Sometimes they seem like two. But they serve as a reminder of where I was.

    I do measure out food most days because there is no reason to do all this hard work and then just eat it all back.

    • Wooooot!!! Love this comment Shalama (oh and that name – beautiful) !! Not owning a scale is so great. And how good for you that you can go and buy new clothes!! I totally feel you on weighing food especially since you did all that hard work!

  9. So, so proud of you Lucie! I know how difficult it is too overcome a battle with numbers and the scale…but you’ve come a long way. I gave the scale a ridiculous amount of power in the past…letting that number dictate whether I’ve had a ‘good’ day or not.I rarely step on the scale now and when I do, whatever I see doesn’t determine how the rest of my day goes…I’m much happier this way!

    • Thanks so much Sam!! Yes, it definitely is hard work to break this habit with numbers. It can be so dominating. I love that you don’t let it dictate your mood anymore, yay!!!

  10. I can relate to what you write here so much. When I was deep into my ED, I would weigh myself at least four times a day and would be discusted at myself if I weighed more. I am glad to say though that I too do not weigh myself nearly as much. Probably once a month now but I still do rigidly count calories. I think you have come a really long way from when you were in your ED. Not weighing yourself is a big accomplishment as I think many of us with eating disorders measure the number on the scale as our self worth.

    • I love this!! I am so glad you could free yourself of the urge to weigh yourself every day. I too count calories, but letzing the scale go is already such a great accomplishment!!

  11. I relate to you so much! I need to learn to get myself out of the habit of weighing myself religiously and letting the number that appears dictate my feelings about myself and my self-worth (or how much I let myself eat or how much time I need to make sure I devote to working out). It’s hard and I am not at that point yet, but I know going forward I need to really try and get myself out of the cycle of weighing myself obsessively.

    Truly inspiring and motivating for me! Thanks so much girl!

  12. Beautiful post, Lucie. ❀ Every single word resonates so deeply with me. My mood and self worth used to be defined by the scale, too. If the numbers weren't what they were "supposed" to be, I'd be in a bad mood all day. I'd restrict so that I could "correct" my "failure," which would only make things worse. It was a vicious cycle that left me feeling miserable! Now I have a much healthier relationship with the scale–in fact, I really don't care what it says! I rarely ever weigh myself at home; the only time I hear my weight is when I go to the doctor (which actually happened today). I measure my health by how I FEEL–by my energy levels and my satisfaction with life. I'm a zillion times happier for it, and I'm SO glad that you are, too! Love you to pieces, my dear! ❀ xoxo

    • Oh how I love this!! Measuring your health by how you feel – amazing!! And I can totally relate on the ‘correct the failure’ thing…..it was like a punishment I deserved when I didn’t reach the number I wanted.

  13. Lucie, you are SO amazing and have such a big heart! I totally feel you on this post, I used to let the scale RUN my life weighing myself, my food, my calories its like NUMBERS ruled my world. I even wrote down my calories in my study books as well as my planner and cell phone just so I would not forget what those numbers were! Stupid numbers can ruin your day and I am so proud of you and you have inspired me so much to let them go! YOU ROCK LUCIE! Love + Shine CourtStar

  14. […] of all, I want to THANK YOU guys!! All your comments on yesterday’s post BLEW me away – I was SO touched and happy about all your support, love and encouragement but […]

  15. Oh sweetie! I LOVE the honesty in this post! You know my history with numbers as far as the calories go…while I never got to a point where I felt compelled to weigh myself everyday, I DID allow it to determine my mood whenever I did choose to step on it. Like you said, I was either good and deserved a pat on the back (and maybe a treat like new workout clothes or something!) OR I was bad…fat…ugly…and doing something/anything/EVERYTHING wrong! Isn’t it sad how hard we are on ourselves sometimes? Like I was saying last week with speaking gently to yourself…like you would a child…I just wish I had thought of that BEFORE!

    • So good of you to not weigh yourself! It’s nasty! And I know exactly what you’re talking about – never ever would we talk to someone else or even to a child like we do to ourselves. It’s such an important reminder!!

  16. […] know I wrote a post about the scale months back, but I feel the need to address this subject again. And it might turn out in a rant, and I am […]

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