4. April 2013 by swissfitchick
Since Thankful Thursday ended last Thursday, I will not link up anymore, but I will still write thankful posts and will share stories of my ED and of my journey in recovery with you. I think it is important that I can let it out here for me to free myself, to see progress or backsteps and maybe to inspire some of my readers out there or to make them feel they are not alone.
Today I want to talk about the scale. The bodyscale.
I don’t know about you, but the scale was my most important tool in the past. I even – hear this – carried it with me on my travels just to be sure I can weigh myself on MY scale every day. Every. Single. Day. I did have success feelings when stepping on it. But I also suffered from the fact to own a scale and to ‘have’ to step on it and see what it says. The number on the scale used to be my ‘mood-iator’ – it was responsible on how my day was. Do you feel me? The number dominated my life, the scale was my best friend or my worst enemy. It was my drill sergeant, telling me how much I am worth that day. ‘You’re skinny – you’re good’ – ‘you’re too heavy = fat – you’re not worth it, not lovable, a lame duck’. I felt forced to have control over every single gram about my body and about every little move that number made, up or down. I could not imagine a day without my scale.
What does a number say? Does it describe your soul? Your heart? Your value? Why is it, that people get so addicted by a number? I know, that some people need the scale i if they are preparing for a competition or because they need to GAIN. But I am talking about myself – nobody cares about my weight but me.
I do admit, that I do not live a numberfree life. As tempting as it is and it is proven how wonderful it can be by Amanda, I am not there yet. I count calories and I measure myself to be in control. I have goals I want to reach and therefore watch the numbers. But the scale – it lost it’s value to me, SO MUCH. I stepped on it last Monday after more than a month. MORE THAN A MONTH. That is a long time for me and I am proud I did not let the thought get me that I need to weigh myself to see if I am good enough.
Yes, I check on my jeans, I check with measurements but I do that maybe once a month. I don’t let a number on the scale judge me anymore. Even if it is more than I expected to be or wished it would be, I don’t let it get down on me. I know that if I want to reach my goal I need to work, and I need to be focused and strong, but the scale does not help me with this. I am fed up with nightmares of the moment when I step on that freaking thing. Nightmares of a 3 digit number because I gained 158 kilos overnight and turned into a whale. I don’t need this. I want to reach my goal to lean out because I want to feel good about myself. I don’t do it for my boyfriend, my family or because I feel I need to prove something. I want to achieve things and want to feel good.
Without the scale. But with my own strength, with support from friends, family and coaches and with my determination. This is all I need to recover, to feel good and to have success beside the scale.
Are you afraid of the scale?
Do numbers dominate parts of your life?