28. February 2013 by swissfitchick
Good morning friends!
After the WIAW Party we know what follows – the wonderful Thankful Thursday camapign hosted by the as wonderful Jessie.
Before I get to the actual subject of that post, I want to say, how thankful I am to have found such a good friend in Jessie. We both did not have the best day yesterday and we chatted on and off throughout the day. Besides supporting each other we had some good laughs. Really, I sat in front of my PC grinning and bursting all over the place, it was hilarious. This really made my day. Jessie and me never met before (yet!!) but I trust in her like a trust a really good friend and sometimes it just feels better to talk to somebody who is far away. I don’t know, but it’s just that.
So now on to my other thankful which is patience.
If you’re not a fan of Take That, sorry – I am not a ‘fan’ either, but I really love a few songs and this one is one of them.
Patience is hard. For me. I can be SO patient with friends, family etc. but I am NOT patient with myself. It needed SUCH a long time (read….16 years) to realize, that it is patience what I need to recover. That it is patience what makes progress – not only in recovery but in everything I want to achieve. That I need patience to stay steady and stable and able to take steps forward rather than backward. Everytime I was impatient I fell. Everytime I beat myself up for not being fast enough, for ‘you should be much further by today. Your progress is lacking you should have achieved your goal way before today’ – I took steps backward.
Example. When you read my blog the past few weeks, you know that I didn’t have the best time. I was in a funk and felt sluggish, low energy, a bit depressed. I wasn’t happy feeling like this, but most of all, I wasn’t happy THAT I felt that way. Even though I am used to this winterblues, it returns regularly every year in January/February. Speaking of this timing, I have to say this was my best year so far. I experienced a wonderful and peaceful December probably the first time since years. I did not have trouble with relapses because of cookie overload or because of other triggers around. The funk came way later, which means I kept up much longer this winter. BUT. When it hit, I started to unlike myself. I hated myself for not being as energized, for being scared of starting the day because I feared that I wouldn’t make it through. I could hardly get up in the morning (which is unusual since I am an early bird) and the only thing I wished for was to curl up under my blankets and sleep.
I forced myself to be different than sluggish. I forced myself to be perfect no matter how I feel. I wanted to be the smiling, cheerful girl I am under ‘normal’ circumstances. I wanted to do as many things in one day as I usually do. I wanted to hit all the workouts I can, even though my body screamed for rest. I did not adapt my schedule to my state, I did not listen to my heart and my body who begged me to slow down, because they were tired from all the darkness and cold and the busy days. They were weak from my beat.
Since I still didn’t listen and my Ego stayed stubborn and impatient with myself, a reaction had to happen. I relapsed. Not one time. Two times. Not huge relapses. Nothing happened to my body except that I felt even worse. BUT they were a signal. A signal for me to open my eyes, to wake up. Like the buddhitsts say: ‘Wake up to live fully and passionately’.
I went to talk to my therapist. I was SO scared that everything comes back in it’s fully strength and that my recovery work is spoiled. This is what happens to me so many times. Especially when I had a relapse. When I am in this circle, I am CONVINCED that my life is over. That it can’t be any worse. That I won’t be able to go to work the next day and somehow the world will fall apart. This might sound crazy, but it’s like I say. I have these really irrational fears which scare me to death. If I would think with my rational mind of course I knew that it’s nonsense. But the vicious cycle keeps me captivated. – Please don’t worry – these fears last for a few hours maximum, mostly only for 30 minutes or so. The moment I connect with the ‘real’ life (going to the supermarket, call a friend) I am back and know that everything will be allright.
Amazingly enough I realize that I ALWAYS forget, that this is not true. The fears, the bad days, the funks – everything passes. The good will come. Just be patient. I was SO many times attacked by a blues, I had a bad day or maybe 2, but they always passed. The point was ALWAYS, to be patient and to hold it out. Not to stress over it, not to try to make it go away, but to FACE it, observe it, accept it and wait until it’s gone.
As soon as I try to fight it, I fall. If feelings like self-doubts, anxiety, sadness, loss or depression arise, it is a sign. A sign that something needs special care. I need to sit still and listen and observe and I will see what I need. Fighting it down makes it even worse. Why do I keep forgetting that??
My key is meditation. Here, I practise inner peace, patience and the connection to my inner guide. Daily.
My progress here is, that I get out of the cycle or of the blues much faster and better than in the past. Since I face the emotions and handle them differently and with more patience, I am far faster happy again than before. So since last week, after Carneval, I am finding my way back to myself. I feel the energy is coming back. Winter is still here with all the cold and and grey, snow and rain, but I feel lighter. Knock on wood it stays like this, but on the other hand – aren’t these experiences the ones that teach us new lessons about life and ourselves? I appreciate them even though they might be hard. What does not kill me makes me stronger.
Are you a patient person?
Did you ever experience a winterblues?