21. February 2013 by swissfitchick
Hello my lovely readers!! It’s strange not being here for almost 3 days now, so it is nice to be back and to update you with all the things happening around here. So let’s celebrate Thankful Thursday thanks to the lovely hostess Jessie!
Today I am thankful for courage. For MY courage.
As you know, carneval was happening in Basel this week, Mondaymorning 4 am till Wednesdaymorning 4 am. I am a member of carneval since I am a little child. I know the tradition very well and I always loved living in this light-hearted, jolly, crazy, fascinating and colorful world for 3 days. Nobody cares about work, duties, time, how you look (everyone looks pretty weird in all the fancy dresses) – it’s all about the tradition and about the fun. About being together and entertain each other or the visitors. It’s a life out on the streets for 3 days, and nights.
I always enjoyed this to the fullest, until I started with my Eating Disorder. For an eating disorder, such circumstances are scaring. There is definitely no time to workout, there is hardly any healthy food, but loads of the ‘other’ food and alcohol. So for me, this happening turned into a hard time even though I never wanted that to happen and always fought to be able to enjoy it. And I never quit. I tried every year to dive into the fun again and to push away nasty thoughts. It is not even about weight gain. Since I walk more than any other time in the year, it is not very possible to put on weight. We walk 40 minutes with a 30 minutes break, walk 40 minutes, 30 minutes break WHILE playing. And this for 3 days from midday till the morning hours. This is how the schedule looks approximately. So there is definitely more food needed and besides that, my weight never changed because of these 3 days. But. It is such a huge step out of my comfort zone and it lasts for almost 4 days, which can be really exhausting. All that food around, a different routine/schedule, hardly any sleep. I always live at the place of my best friend at the time, which is wonderful as I just love to spend all that time with her and being around each other for half a week. But I am just not safe from nasty ED thoughts. There are so many triggers for me and I can not stay strong all the time. That means I DO overeat here and there with junk and the ED voice is trying to steer me right into a binge. The last few carnevals I had a great time on Monday, maybe also on Tuesday, but Wednesday I was SO tired and exhausted from trying to stay away from the thoughts and by trying to losen up and chill, that this last day was only a drag.
So this year I decided to enjoy Mondaymorning, day and night to the fullest but then head back to Zurich to be safe. I know that walking away from the challenges won’t make it easier. But I am just not there yet. I already felt it in the one day, how huge the challenge is for me. I am taking baby steps and I am happy that I was there and enjoyed it, laughed, and was part of this fascinating crazy crowd. Yes, I do feel sad, that the Eating Disorder can actually command what I can do and what not. That I have to adapt my life to ‘triggers’. But it does not help to cling on these thoughts. I am who I am and I need to accept it and make the best out of it. So instead of forcing myself through things I am not ready for yet, I stay true to myself and do what’s best for me. And being part of the carneval, yet realizing where my limits are, is so right for me. It might be difficult for people around me at the carneval to understand and it is not easy for me either to explain, but it is ok for me. It took a lot of courage to bear the consequences but it feels so much better to decide for ME and what I need rather than for external expectations. I am also very thankful for my friend Sylvia, who showed so much patience and understanding for all this. We participated in carneval together for years and I felt so guilty to let her down. We talked a lot about it and this compromise of me being there 50% (instead of nothing at all) was coherent for both of us. I am so glad I have this support around me, it is SO helpful and makes all the issues so much easier.
I took another challenge on Tuesday when I left Basel. I actually planned to do a killer workout when I come home to ‘rebuild the damage’.
Considering that 2 days of ‘other’ food and some drinks would change my body, this thought itself is so silly. Yes, I did eat a lot of bread, chocolate, cheese, and quite some drinks, but I wasn’t exaggerating at all. I surely felt bloated and tired, but that was it. So when I arrived in Zurich, I was beyond in a mood for a workout. So I relaxed. I put on homewear and enjoyed the silence in our appartment, cooked up some tea and read blogs. Cooked up a healthy delicious dinner, and even had a dessert (Cocoa-Almond-Frosting with Banana).
THAT was staying out of the comfort zone for me again. I totally believe that it is necessary to step out once in a while. Even if it is only for a short time – I think it is the point of time when we can learn something new about us, when we see what we are capable of and when we realize how change looks like. I am the first who is scared to death to do it, but I know I need to go for it once in a while to actually make progress. And guess what….nothing happened. I did not wake up with 35kilos more, I did not look like a whale, and my fitness condition did not disappear just because I did not workout ‘properly’ for 2 days. Everything the same. All fine.
So just a few impressions of this year’s blast. Please note: We are NOT allowed to chose our own costume. When you participate in a active group there is every year a subject of a news or headline – local or worldwide – which is presented with the lanterns, the costumes and the masks. So if you are irritated by my dress, I can tell you that I can totally relate. Sylvia and me could not handle it, we were laughing tears when we looked at each other. And every time when we had to take down the mask or take it on, it was a huge disaster till we were ready and I really had a stomachage from laughing so hard all the time. It all was totally comical and bizarre.
So Mondaymorning we got up at 2am to get ready. We were already in a hectic happy mood and I rocked Sylvia’s slippers…..
Start of the carneval is 4am. The city is crowded and the best thig is a few seconds before it starts. All the groups are ready, correctly positioned, and all the visitors get really quiet. That’s amazing. Thousands of people, and it’s SILENT. And then, at 4 sharp, all the lights go out – and it starts.
We had dinner at a restaurant with a buffet and I could grab some good fuel….
….some dessert was a must….
So today I am home and pretty happy even though I missed 2 days of the fun. I am ok with that – I will try again later. Ok? 🙂
Have a great Thursday friends!!
How do you realize when you are out of your comfort zone and how do you handle it?
Do you think it is good to leave the comfort zone once in a while?
I absolutely do. I think it is the only way to make a real change.
Do you workout intuitively? Restdays?
I go with a pretty strict plan = comfort zone. Another challenge to take!!