Thankful Thursday #14 – who is responsible?

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7. February 2013 by swissfitchick

Thursday means Thankful Thursday – a lovely campaign hosted by my beautiful friend Jessie. Thank you so much!!! Please head over to her blog and check her post out and all the link ups, it’s so worth it!!

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Today I am thankful for responsibility. That may sound weird, but responsibility was a big issue in my past and I am glad I feel so comfortable with this word today.

There are so many topics I could address by this subject. When it comes to life, my opinion is, that we are responsible for our actions we take. I think that happiness has a lot to do with taking over the responsibility for our live, our attitude and our thoughts. There is a lot we can decide to do that makes us happy and vice versa.

But where is the line? Example. I was a happy child. I had a wonderful childhood in a huge house with my parents and brother, and another family with children living in the same house. We were a community and my world was perfect. The day came, when real life hit. I was 12 years old, when my Dad was diagnosed cancer. 12. My safe, warm place called home was suddenly in the air. My only question to him was: Dad – are you going to die?’   ‘I don’t know Babe.’. As this 12 year old girl, I accompanied my Dad through months of chemotherapy. I watched him suffer, and I made a huge effort to be a good girl and to be strong. He did not die by that time. He recovered and we had 10 more wonderful years with him, until he was diagnosed again, this time it was past remedy. I miss him, every day, always. Things like this you can not make a decision about. They happen and they change your life forever, and there’s no recipe how to handle it. I was not responsible for my fathers death and I could not decide to live many more happy years together with him. But what I could do, was to decide how to handle it. I didn’t do very well, to be honest. It took me years to accept and to face what happened. I was responsible how I handled this loss and that it took me so long to kind of being able to assimilate it.

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Gosh, I love them so much I even forgive them the fashion and the hairstyles🙂

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I was a chocolate monster already back then! (left)

What about an ED? Or an addiction? Is it my own fault that I was sick for such a long time in my life and still am partly? I think in many parts I am. There is nobody who forced me to stop eating. I chose. There was nothing that forced me to binge and purge. I decided to do so. I may have thought that the inner voice forced me and that I was externally controlled, but if I look at it rationally, I have to say – no, it was me. I am not saying that it is easy to punch down these voices, thoughts, beats, addictions, believe me, I lived with it for more than half of my life and I had a hard time. But I think, in the end, it is ME who has to make the change. I, ME has am responsible for my recovery, for my disordered habits, for my attitude and for my will to be healthy and to let the ED go. I know that there are voices who say, that people with ED’s actually want that. I remember being said:’ well, I am sure you feel pretty darn cool to be called anorectic. This is something like a celebrity status symbol, right? ‘ The same when I was deep in my bulimia and told someone:’ But when you are not hungry, so why do you eat? And what’s the point of eating food if you go and purge it all??’ I absolutely know that if someone never had food issues/an ED it is the hardest thing to understand someone who has them. i tried so many times to explain myself and really many people made the effort to understand, but I knew they can’t. And it’s not their fault, but it’s not mine either. Still – I am responsible for my health, body, mind. I might be susceptible for triggers, I might be more endangered than others, yes. And there are triggers out there. I can find enough food for my ED thoughts out there. I learnt it the hard way, how difficult it can be if you are caught in the trap of an ED. But in the end, I think it is my decision IF I let these influences trigger me. I can decide to be strong, cause I am. I have the choice to read uneasy stuff that makes me feel bad or comparing. I have the choice if I want to restrict myself or if I want to enjoy life.

There was a day, and I can exactly tell you the date, it was March 12th 2012 – when I decided not to be bulimic anymore. 6 years back, a therapist told me: ‘You have bulimia’. From that point on, this diagnose was my ‘excuse’. When I binged, or ate disorderd, I told myself:’ well, I am bulimic. I am ‘supposed’ to do that.’ I felt sorry for myself and consoled myself with more disordered actions instead of standing up and slapping this disease into its face. I felt better with an explanation for my behavior and thoughts. This day in March, I did stand up. I thought:’ I am not approving this diagnose anymore. I won’t show symptoms anymore. I will get healthy.’ Of course that did not happen from one day to the other and I was aware of that. I am still working on it and will for much more time in the future. But it was the start of my journey into recovery, away from anorexia and away from bulimia. I chose to recover, I decided to start letting go anything that makes me unhappy and I chose to be happy – as much as that is possible.

What are your thoughts about responsibility – in life in general and in the subject of an ED?

19 thoughts on “Thankful Thursday #14 – who is responsible?

  1. nadja says:

    You’re so strong Lucie! I can only wish you all the best to continue your recovery! But don’t be too hard with yourself for what happened! I’m sure you’re gonna go through this!!!

  2. Greta says:

    Ugh. Thank you for sharing this, Lucie. Agh, I cried a little – but I always do reading about such personal and hart breaking matters.
    Now on your question.
    There are ED bloggers that disguise themselves as supporting recovery when, in fact, (may be even) unknowingly and with love, they too support illness. So, I compliment you on stepping away from all of them and continue on NOT being bulimic.

    Living with an eating disorder means living with pain, fear, terror, rage, indignation and an inability to sort through the stimuli that comes from living in a complex world. Support that attacks the complex world and seeks to make the individual comfortable and safe does not support recovery. It may contribute to creating an environment necessary for healing work to begin. But too often I see people seeking the safe haven as the goal without understanding that once in a safe or more safe environment the healing work must begin.

    My blog is the projection of things that seemingly has little to do with eating disorders directly, but has everything to do with understanding and honoring self and development in the world as it is.
    So this is my take, hun.
    I’m not bulimic either, I’m more😉

    • Yes, yes, yes. We are more than diagnosed ED-chicks🙂 And I totally agree that the confrontation itself is what makes the change. The world will not change just because I decided to recover. All the triggers will still be there in a year, in 10 years. It’s me who has to sort through the stimuli as you say. It’s hard work and a long road, but totally worth it.

  3. Such an amazing post Lucie! And one that I will be reading again and again. You are such an incredibly strong, beautiful, and amazing person and it truly shines through in this post. I do believe that once we stop diagnosing ourselves as eating disordered that is where the true healing begins.

    • Thank you so much Danielle! I think that the more we dive into the diagnose the more we accept it as a part of us – but it’s not!! We are NOT dependent on an ED, we are so much more than that.

  4. This was a really beautiful post, Lucie, and the part near the end about taking responsibility and choosing not to be sick anymore really resonated with me. I experienced something similar a little while back. I was extremely sick, and blaming all my actions on my illness, but then it was like one day I just woke up and decided that I’m not going to be sick anymore. It’s an extremely difficult thing to explain to people when they ask me how I got better, but literally one day it was just like… no, I’m not doing this anymore… it’s bullsh*t. Recovery is definitely one of those things that can’t be forced onto a person… they have to be willing to take responsibility and make changes for themselves.

    • Abslutely. I mean look at me – I was 33 when I realized that is ME who has to make the change. That it is in MY hands. ANd it’s the only way to go, there are no ‘healers’ out there. Maybe supporters, but WE have to do the last step.

  5. this perspective is something I totally believe. I always wonder why I actually developed a disorder and what actually was that turning point for recovery. a lot of it came from self awareness and that maturity that I just didn’t have at age 15. Recovery is about responsibility, I had to take it into my own hands and make those changes every day

    • Awareness is so important. If you realize where it is at, you know where to start the change. It took me a lot of time to actually SEE what I am doing and why. But from that point on, I never looked back.

  6. kepotts says:

    Hi Lucy! New reader here & am loving your blog thus far. The “choosing happiness” is such a simple concept yet so tough for us to implement. It takes a conscious step in a positive direction to make ourselves happy & we constantly have to remember that. Thank you for reminding all of us today🙂

    • So happy that you found my blog and thank you so much for taking the time to comment! ‘Conscious step in a positive direction’ – AMEN! Ït is exactly what we need to recover, yet so hard. But as you say – constantly remembering will lead us into the right direction!

  7. Reading what you wrote about your father brought tears to my eyes. I could never imagine being w/o my father. I continue to admire you more as another day passes. You truly are an inspiration to me Lucie. The strength you continue to show, the loving and heart warming posts you continue to share, the dedication to yourself you continue to put fourth, is just a beautiful thing❤

  8. Karla says:

    Great post! I agree that we do make choices. We choose to starve, binge, over exercise, etc. I think it’s an important step to realize that. For me, I also had to realize that every single day there will be choices to make throughout the day…. Choices that will lead to 1 of 2 places… Either a full, blessed life or depression, destruction and death. The choice isn’t always easy because the world and my past experiences has made me crave the comforts that the eds… Restricting and binging give me. But, we must remember that we always have a choice and I believe the only way to become completely free is to continually make the choices that lead to freedom, even when the other choice is the more comfortable/alluring choice.

    • Thank you so much Karla for this beautiful comment. I can not agree more. ANd yes, it IS hard and difficult to make a choice especially a choice that makes us stepping out of the comfort zone. But staying true with us and committed will make it all worth.

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