7. February 2013 by swissfitchick
Thursday means Thankful Thursday – a lovely campaign hosted by my beautiful friend Jessie. Thank you so much!!! Please head over to her blog and check her post out and all the link ups, it’s so worth it!!
Today I am thankful for responsibility. That may sound weird, but responsibility was a big issue in my past and I am glad I feel so comfortable with this word today.
There are so many topics I could address by this subject. When it comes to life, my opinion is, that we are responsible for our actions we take. I think that happiness has a lot to do with taking over the responsibility for our live, our attitude and our thoughts. There is a lot we can decide to do that makes us happy and vice versa.
But where is the line? Example. I was a happy child. I had a wonderful childhood in a huge house with my parents and brother, and another family with children living in the same house. We were a community and my world was perfect. The day came, when real life hit. I was 12 years old, when my Dad was diagnosed cancer. 12. My safe, warm place called home was suddenly in the air. My only question to him was: Dad – are you going to die?’ ‘I don’t know Babe.’. As this 12 year old girl, I accompanied my Dad through months of chemotherapy. I watched him suffer, and I made a huge effort to be a good girl and to be strong. He did not die by that time. He recovered and we had 10 more wonderful years with him, until he was diagnosed again, this time it was past remedy. I miss him, every day, always. Things like this you can not make a decision about. They happen and they change your life forever, and there’s no recipe how to handle it. I was not responsible for my fathers death and I could not decide to live many more happy years together with him. But what I could do, was to decide how to handle it. I didn’t do very well, to be honest. It took me years to accept and to face what happened. I was responsible how I handled this loss and that it took me so long to kind of being able to assimilate it.
What about an ED? Or an addiction? Is it my own fault that I was sick for such a long time in my life and still am partly? I think in many parts I am. There is nobody who forced me to stop eating. I chose. There was nothing that forced me to binge and purge. I decided to do so. I may have thought that the inner voice forced me and that I was externally controlled, but if I look at it rationally, I have to say – no, it was me. I am not saying that it is easy to punch down these voices, thoughts, beats, addictions, believe me, I lived with it for more than half of my life and I had a hard time. But I think, in the end, it is ME who has to make the change. I, ME has am responsible for my recovery, for my disordered habits, for my attitude and for my will to be healthy and to let the ED go. I know that there are voices who say, that people with ED’s actually want that. I remember being said:’ well, I am sure you feel pretty darn cool to be called anorectic. This is something like a celebrity status symbol, right? ‘ The same when I was deep in my bulimia and told someone:’ But when you are not hungry, so why do you eat? And what’s the point of eating food if you go and purge it all??’ I absolutely know that if someone never had food issues/an ED it is the hardest thing to understand someone who has them. i tried so many times to explain myself and really many people made the effort to understand, but I knew they can’t. And it’s not their fault, but it’s not mine either. Still – I am responsible for my health, body, mind. I might be susceptible for triggers, I might be more endangered than others, yes. And there are triggers out there. I can find enough food for my ED thoughts out there. I learnt it the hard way, how difficult it can be if you are caught in the trap of an ED. But in the end, I think it is my decision IF I let these influences trigger me. I can decide to be strong, cause I am. I have the choice to read uneasy stuff that makes me feel bad or comparing. I have the choice if I want to restrict myself or if I want to enjoy life.
There was a day, and I can exactly tell you the date, it was March 12th 2012 – when I decided not to be bulimic anymore. 6 years back, a therapist told me: ‘You have bulimia’. From that point on, this diagnose was my ‘excuse’. When I binged, or ate disorderd, I told myself:’ well, I am bulimic. I am ‘supposed’ to do that.’ I felt sorry for myself and consoled myself with more disordered actions instead of standing up and slapping this disease into its face. I felt better with an explanation for my behavior and thoughts. This day in March, I did stand up. I thought:’ I am not approving this diagnose anymore. I won’t show symptoms anymore. I will get healthy.’ Of course that did not happen from one day to the other and I was aware of that. I am still working on it and will for much more time in the future. But it was the start of my journey into recovery, away from anorexia and away from bulimia. I chose to recover, I decided to start letting go anything that makes me unhappy and I chose to be happy – as much as that is possible.
What are your thoughts about responsibility – in life in general and in the subject of an ED?