27. December 2012 by swissfitchick
I am joining another round of Thankful Thursday hosted by one of my most favorite persons Jessie over at jessielovestorun. Check out her blog and the link ups!!
Today, I am thankful for where I stand today. When I look back – just one year ago, or many years back – thinking about that I live with the ED since 18 (18!) years now – this time of the year was always my biggest challenge. Well, actually, it was more like a big disaster. In my time as an anorectic girl, I used to stroll through the supermarkets to LOOK at all the sweets and treats and to dream about, how it would be, if I could eat them all. It was like having a meal, just wandering around the shelves and staring at the food. Or checking the labels. And then buying tea or chewing gum when leaving. When I allowed myself to splurge a few crumbles of cake that were left on Mom’s plate, I’d skip dinner.
I remember one christmas when I was deep in my Anorexia, I think I was down to 42/44kg or something awful like this. I planned a 5 course meal to cook with my Mom. I wanted to eat it. But to make this possible, I had to starve before and after. So I stopped eating at lunchtime the day before and only started having food when we sat down for dinner the next day. I remember that I started to feel nauseous after the second course. I got up and walked out of the room to the toilet. I didn’t make it, I fainted on the way, but nobody realized it, as the door was closed. After a few minutes I woke up just to find me lying on the floor and feeling awfully sick. I shouted my boyfriend’s name and they all came to get me. I puked and then laid on the couch for the rest of the night with no dinner at all. My body was obviously totally unable to cope with any amount of food in its stage – skinny, weak and drained – and after 1,5 days without food. When I look at the pics today, I feel so sorry for what I did to my body. I was pale like a sheet of paper, my hair were thin threads, my skin looked kind of transparent and my legs – since I always had skinny legs, my legs at this time really looked horrible. How could I…..
A few years later, I did puke/purge too. But because I was so terrified that I could gain a few grams by eating cookies. The last few years, I loved christmastime because of the lights, the music and the anticipation, but it was still hell for me with all that food. I wasn’t able to eat treats in moderation, so I just cut them out completely and accordingly had a binge sooner or later. I was in a vicious circle from end of November until beginning of January. This year is the FIRST, where I do pretty well. It still IS a challenge. And I surely had way too many cookies than I intended to eat. I had panic flashes. When I put on my jeans. When I went to bed with a full stomach. When I knew, I will have drinks more than once a week. And yes, I had to do my daily intense workouts to feel safe. But I did way better in keeping the balance, because I ALLOWED myself to eat cookies or to have drinks an dessert. I definitely had it all in moderation – which wasn’t possible for many many years. And….my Jeans are the same, I don’t think that my body changed at all. Of course I want to go back on track now and my goal still is to lose my last kilos and to define my muscles. Judge me if you must, but that’s what I would like to achieve, body related. And I am pretty glad I will have a January coaching with a trainer from Florida. But still….I totally think that the most important thing was – I was enjoying each and every day, all the parties, get togethers, spending time with my friends and family, dinners, appetizers, drinks and cookies. And this is a huge step for me. Besides my ‘shaping’, I also want to achieve that this is getting better each year – that I don’t even have to think about a slight panic in my head when christmas comes near. That I can just relax, enjoy, laugh and love.
And today I am also extremely thankful for my readers!! It is my motivation EVERY day to write and post, because I know it is read by YOU and your comments and your support means so much to me you can not imagine. This is such a great help in my recovery process and I can not thank you enough. THANK YOU!!!