22. November 2012 by swissfitchick
Today is Thankful Thursday hosted by Jessie, thank you so much!!
I had a few thoughts when I sat in the tram on my way home from the office with all the other people going home from work. It was special for me to kind of being part of that ‘normal’ world – it wasn’t always like that. I remember times when I was deep in my ED. I never spent relaxing time at home. Besides being at the office for work I went to the gym (I kind of lived there). Or met friends for a drink (not for lunch or dinner obviously). Or I went shopping. When I was home, I kept myself busy to distract myself from eating. IF I ate at all, I had carrots, yogurt or crispbread. Or I had my kitchen full of junkfood which I digged in in no time. So when I was home, I starved or I binged and purged. There was no way to be alone and not behaving sick. I also never had a normal ‘food-day’. Because I binged about 1-2 times a week, I had to starve the rest of the days to make sure I did not gain weight. Before bulimia, I never binged, I just ate about 2 tiny snacks a day and that was it. I always felt, I am not part of the normal world. I was deep in my own ED world and had no idea how it is not to think about food and weight ALL THE TIME. When I went out of the house after bingeing and purging I wondered, that the normal world was still there. I had so many irrational anxieties. That if MY world obviously falls apart, all the rest would fall apart too. That I will not be able to walk or speak after all these bad things I’ve done. That I would have to stop working cause I could not show myself to other people with this kind of sickness. That life would stop. And when I woke up from my binge-purge-coma, and went outside, everything was still the same. It took me such a LONG time to realize and have faith that I won’t die because I ate too much junk food or because I did not eat at all for 3 days. Eventually I would – but my body is strong. Today I am still followed by ED thoughts every day. I still want to be skinnier. I still watch myself in the mirror and think ‘Yuck’. I still compare myself with others and feel bad. I still struggle with self-doubts and I think so many times that I am not good, not perfect enough. I still starve at days. Or I binge and purge – SOMETIMES. BUT: I go home from work and I cook dinner. I never did that before – and you know what? I have a smaller size. I feed my body well and in a ‘normal’ eating behavior on as many days as possible. Sometimes, I like my body. Or my face. I am convinced, that what I do is good – my relationship, how I treat my friends and family, my job, my blog, my food, my workouts. I maintain my weight. I can let most of the bad days go without freaking out and being terrified that it’s the world’s end just because I feel fat, ugly and depressed. And I really don’t care anymore about what others say about me. I am ME – like it or not. I love my life – and I am SO thankful for it!!!!
I am thankful that it is weekend soon which means loads of time with my boy and other fun things are on! I will do a city race on Saturday evening – 5,5km – to dedicate the chrsitmas lighting!!
I am thankful for my childhood! I was a happy girl!! And I love that old fashioned puma-sweater from my brother! I want it! 🙂
I am thankful for the TOUCHE ÉCLAT from YSL!! It saves me after nights with lack of sleep! Lets all shadows magically disappear.
What are you thankful for today?
Have a great day!